So here we are: a different way
a different day.
When taken to the heart,
man is to know self and love
mixed into a vat of flesh and wounds.
To tell. I live in a car. It is coarse; yet raw-ly becoming. One because it is true; the other: from negative representation of an attitude, and a mingling. As I am doing with insanity or true comfort which makes Homelessness, Gypsy, Transient, I guess even white trash, except I have it easy, for I drink little and run from addiction in general. Even as I fall prey to Art, eating and love.
I can afford this. Like Stienbeck and his Diablo,( don Cervaneyotas servant friend) mine is a red toyota called Tara. A home from rain and thieves, though the protection is Buddhaistic. (a good bat ,a lonely road and your in) I keep a safe glance and a prayer, as a trusted security for the celebration, the calling of my gypsy.
The sky is blue like always, the earth turns on it’s axis. By accepting to live without the guilt of bills I live my art.. And so homelessness is no longer the raging bull of insecure economics. for all my life I have written. The life style of creation is yet only in moments un-guilty. So , I repeat, I afford my life and am happy. .
All successful life seems a divorce from apprehension. Where thought comes in-Lue of power for completion of an idea. What is strength? but endurance. The tortoise and the hare race, except unlike the story the tortoise and hare really have no bodies and spiritual strength is easier to measure, tolerate, and respect. For it is a strength to feel. To Not buy , or rent or lease, but to own. ,and not to casually give away the living love of trees. Walls complain of middle managed situations and a rising interest in violence nationally and locally,, the buildings becon the lonely tales of man’s inner cruelity of statistics and bottom lines.. The bootstrap makers, win all the time, as they tell you to pull them up.. It is only because they are pulling them down
and I am not one to wear clothing if I don’t have to. Minding that skin cleans easier than all the fashions of spring.
Yet it does tear.
I watched three minutes of television in the car. I had to buy one to complain about it. It seems like complaining. But it is criticism Television is part of environment and a major player in consciousness. It was Fox news I watched. A Televised child’s game at Six on a Boston Affiliate. A foolish sight of no research. and I am done, but I wanted to see Micheal Moore. the now famous name, not un-helping the cause of the “Film” maker gone patriot.
Let it show; the most common among us is alive.
But I have not seen the movie yet. And it seems oxcymoronic to mention The National New, from this latest American Media Giant who has found the brand of philosophic choices rather than good journalism , and reaps well, to report only sensationalism, and high school orientated criticism, backed against a common man’s media.
I will say what I know. The documentary in our time is changing into a individual realism of inner commonness. Our society is also feeling very useless and wants as much information as the Democratic foundations of one human, one vote. We are driven to pay attention to everything, and the world is changing faster than us. no never accepting, we must. yet accept that intelligence binds us. And now you know, what do you do.
IF I say hello to you on the street and you turn me away, I look for other forms of connection , of course one came before the other. She stands with dog, she is small breasted with a baby blue jogging sweat shirt with a zipper on the front , stretch beautifully, the redundancy is killing me. Her oval face pouts. Walking a medium large white Husky, but she stops. Just where she faces out of view, as i sit in a park and look around while writing.
Or I should say, I look at women passing,
Being without love, and kindness seems criminal. All this seems corroded by doubt. . and so as the study of living continues, I am to love from distances. Maybe I see the energy of my dreams the wrong way, but i just live it. and it is alternate and yet it is natural.
The questions taken back to Adam and Eve, the fig leaf for the usage of the god’s light they felt but given bodies as an escape from heaven’s determined control and aloof ness they like them yet knew only guilt from doing so as the child is to it parent. While the body ackes and moans, while the body knows pain and balances the physical will.
Have it heaven , to , and reality, for, one to exist. It must be part of everything and now. Then , and Forever. Like true science.
And with these questions answered, as such, we make history.
Yet history is the cowards controlling. for where do you think your doubt will leave accept in fantasy, or reason with only limited applications, for what else has been the entirety of philosophy, (for which i know Nothing about) but to argue while such to me explained must be lived, and then trained, if you will, to what is felt.
But it is the separation of feelings that technology tells. It is self gratification while a hundred years passes by.
It is the man over god complex, or it is the technology which fuels the spiritual as Pre- Thorey-itics.
The chill in the air is the time. I may move soon, I may watch television again.
I didn’t mention it but it is the time of American Politics, and the start of the Democratic Convention 2004.
John Kerry is the intended, having won most of the primary votes , and tonight starts the creation of sides.
the ludiacracy is that there are sides. while the quiet majority has the weapons and is never elected.
so is always in power. and there we laugh hideously that a star trek episode might have been right.
How would you introduce Aliens as a fact, except to have global power through consciousness first, that is by creation, the wicked to fight against; to have peace as a rule of law and contribution.
Will Kerry Pay Back United Nations Debt. Equalize schooling and make the statement that the “MISION OF DEmocracy is world peace through self sufficient governing. “
Realizing our hands are drawn tight with each passing day of humanity, here where we cup our hands to provide, we let the remains of that in our commerce, our products leave a residue of Americanism. and where the indigenous are replaced we apologize but yet our fun loving media, and Advertising culture, makes People think, that is all American, but it is just corporate business.
It is dealing to a market that is free enough to choice what to spend on.
A market that is not hungry, or over populated. It is not SMALL. For it has been reproduced on for only two THOUSAND and so years, that humanity has walked the planet. These are the years of conscious change.
As a collection of independent states, American has achieve the ability to exist alone, and within our bourders, but even our Peace has been debated in battle. But through this all we are still standing from sea to shining sea, but we are, truthfully, the representation of cooperation and resolution achieving an equality with spirt through the intermixture and the acceptance of other cultures, . in what ever form our cultures push us.
I have a new computer but you couldn’t know.
Living in a car, for the freedom of America. for the freedom of my artistic impulses, with the equality of my heart. and here like in all my writings. It is easier to write outside, sometimes the fulfillment is an equality of the technological idea and muse. In trees sometimes like Now in Boston’s Jamacia plains park system. Behind me I hear voices in some type of Spanish, i don’t have to even look around. I don’t know BUT the question and answers sound like married men escaping into some sort of game. I could look around and it could be about cars, I am interested now, and they are throwing around a baseball. I can feel the laughter I hear from them.
I started to think about other people’s stories about cars and writing. I always though it was interesting to tell about what has happened instead of what is happening, the story uncreated , or sometimes it is created as the answer to stories created. Funny that, i feel this way because of stories and sights. my Prejudice such, willingly or not. The stories are feelings. taken and left to survive, the lack of observation engroving a meritless reaction, like our hands move in reaction learned sometime long ago and they escape time by redoing the practices taught then, but not always just the hands to move, and more expected and explained are the emotions that work that way, the response stimuli, the natural unobserved path.
when the natural observed path gives voice.
strength is endurance.
July 24, i am guessing.
So here i am again. telling of the day and of life , mostly because as right now sits, i have little else to do. truthfully i feel i am questioning my sanity while living what i can of life, I should be happy , I was given a car on credit, i can pay back eventually, i should be happy people love me , making me pay eight hundred for a car that needs and needs again. i am going to the doctor soon. tonight actually, and little problems are all superficial. i have more of a problem because i haven’t painted the rest of the hubcaps. one is red. sort of because i stopped when it came to getting red on the tires, though that wouldn’t stop them from working..but still i haven’t painted the rest. so one hubcap is red.
What am i doing. I really can only say the truth, I have alot of “want to be” doings.
the car is filled with my toys, a video camera for the flim’s i am thinking about(with only limited action) The guitar, for which sits in the back and i don’t feel able to play it. My hands hurt to play when I am working construction. and my voice is raw from cigerettes and coffee, and at present, disuse. there is also a Clarient, and a keyboard, but last night i bought a television, this life of indirection is starting to take a toll.
It was to easy to come back to Jamacia Plains. back to the problems i am creating and have created without knowledge. People who don’t call, saying they missed me. Someone even thanked me for coming back. but then i am Thank full for the work , but the rest is the rest , i don’t really miss many of them. unleast I really think about it, then the truth has always been i like people like i like pets really. i like to make them smile, mostly. I have just enough weed to make the stumbling with the words an action when truth is i am very tired and have body lice.
It is funny how a problem like body lice can create the same inner guilt I have always felt , sorted and sublime, like all my problems. I can tell no one, they couldn’t want to talk to me then. I can not face the problem correctly. i am not able to combine washing my clothing and spraying the bedding sufficiently and cleaning myself, combing out the eggs and doing it all over again a week later. So I sit and feel badly that I am giving lice to other people, and even as it is just a problem it will create bad blood for all around me. Maybe because i gave them the lice , or that I didn’t tell them I had lice. It is hard loving and losing, my needs are not answered with any kind of love I can accept , I am alone, and now i want more and can not , the door is over there out side of my reach because the childhood thoughts subconsciously coming to action quicker than thought. or feeling.
later in the night,
I know that the rest of the world is outside of these doors and walls. I know it is alive outside and there inside of an adjustment of common ness, I have left a reality, for reality and I want to know should i talk, escaping a mountain of disbelief and only one moment true insanity for the truth of perspective. how I see is how i am. there inside of being alive, i stand around inside of desire, while lingering around nessecity. changing fulfillment with will and emotional responce.
and there we change and examine more. so i am to look at my life to notice the change nessecary. while wandering around inside of why to change, there my heart examines happyness, power, my inner soul revolves around the exploration of emotions, but i watch many “emotions” being only a continuation of some past learning while trained out of truama.
Should i speak should I care. for to speak marks me, and i am alive to the thought you are not to talk about yourself. but so many years pass with history taking a mark only from the stories writers create. where are the understandings of living. i can tell tales about me, yes that would be life, the fantasy talking. but love drives me to tell my own story. without fantasy, and without a story tellers moral or fragmentations of the why. Characters act out symbolism. but i can only see the pschological actions extended to interaction. This person i am sees the commoness of change, and i want to identify what i can because of the observation.
Almost gone is summer. the day fading . another year , another summer, where tide create the unknown i have only lived this summer with the simple and known. I have no money so i work, i have no car to get money so i now have a car, i have no home so i live in the car, the price of living I can afford , and i am yet wondering what is next with winter coming, and the thought of going to the south, my art projects suffer obscurity. and yet the day is all artistically equaling, but i am not suffering like i would have wanted from my summer, the suffering of poverty , for music and it’s performance, so i am here with money and no music. the guitar gathering dust, and my head is cloudy with the smoke, daily i delay my feelings with, i could never really understand them,
Did i ever tell about the voices which tell me to shut up every time i play guitar. I am preoccupied by them and avoid playing anywhere where i might see different from life in general. but even as my goals slowly find completion i am without focus enough to go with the dialogue. a creation outside of the self which wants to hid and have, instead of playing and feeling good. but still everything is in storage. and the nights are streaming together in some casual way of proclaiming i am alive but without the gaols i would see. here is the chance to be alive into the next step. but for the voices. and the distractions of need. I have no real love and wonder on my chances for such without a home this time. but basically a sense of self still deemed by inner thought facing my own feelings, am i alone in that. have we all taken whatever we could from life to such a point that we don’t even understand why we have not the dream we wanted, love and gave in the past for.
It would be easier to love being carpenter and forget outside. for get what surprised smiles have accompanied my words; sung or written. like once i felt for a women , a statement of departure from the child for love, fullfilled innocently. why did i want to be such a man who would reach for truth and yet not for real love the mixture being alive in my self respect and being.
So the direct tale is not enough they say, but then i read and everyone is telling direct tales mixed with story to entertain i guess because it is not enough to just live, we must eloborate the call with the prejudices of extreams the colors of man. So i will remain myself and walk that way..
what is today, today is the first hours after leaving jail. I was arrested I drank wiskey, and i was a fool who drove blind into a cop storm of the Democratic convention, A bar with the most beautiful flirting bar-women in the world I have ever been in, it is a good thing i only started to feel alive to my emotions enough to enjoy the good times because if i would have seen this kind of commercialism well before, i might not be alive to tell now.. but what is alive now after
, after driving blind drunk , waking up pulling over to blue lights i did not even argue, i blew into a tube which said i was way drunk , but then i went into a jail and felt the world fade with all my possessions in a car that was being towed away, with a life lived to forget again.. but wait then i walked into a cell in a real jail, with all the problems of the uneducated with all the unforgiven, thinking the end for my life was the being of my death, holding on to the material i need that is in the car that was towed. but knowing i am one of these people except i am white, and i am middle class, and i am an artist, for whcih even as that saves me it also condemes me for my inactivity to save myself . I am living the reality of the outsider, without the crimes of most except poverty, and my heartlessness. It has only been of late that i really have felt for my own emotions and desires. the middle of the story will have to be filled in later, for six days i sat in a cell , one alone and five with a crack dealer who was busted for a gun charge. and i read like always when i have been in jail , i will have to eloborate later. i fear the battery in my computer will run out ,
the last hours in the cell , yes i read,, but i meditated, and for all the trust of life one puts into the hope of prayer, i mediated on the image and promise of the Green tara, a part of buddism i learned last year, a part which gave me the hope to grab my car before i was sentence to time for which may come on thrusday, for which i will try to accomadate tomorrow to save the progress of materialism i have now.. i was just about to go to sleep when the jailer came and said i could go. and here i sit in the car having rescued it from the tow yard, for what i thought was a lot cheaper than i thought, but it was god’s will and my hope without me, for i had given up on coming out before the court date. Now i will be free to accept what ever the day demands knowing hopefully i will be covered for what ever the system wants from me, but i know this was the only way things would work. God is giving me a chance to change,, and i am going to start with the cigerettes and i will have finished with the alcohol. i know the depression of my childhood is why i started to drink, and why my sexual apitite has been so amazed and my love so fouled. i must remember these words are not just something to prove to myself that the muse is alive in the world but that i am creating , a voice for the unvoiced. the injuried and the maligned. the enertial call is going to be a reality one day.. after i get around this present disadvantage of my depression. my boss has been more than a boss, he has been my only support with his help i was able to see the full extent of the beautiful life i live , for after he helped i was able to reach out to the rest of the friends i have, and i have alot if i can stay alive long enough to be alive for them , i missed all of them so much , that it is for them that i must stay on the course i am to live. with hope and faith. I have had seven days without any drugs, my drivers liscense is important and alive right now, but more importantly i feel alive as i write this , the effects of my confusion have limited me all my life and i don’t feel that way now , i feel intelligent and focused and that is away this last year has been to me, my life is still intact. tomorrow is another day. later.
So here we are another day. I am more rested and I am calm today.
Another day. most of the day i was off and on crying.
Now i am watching televsion and listening to music and watching my own video. today I felt again the facts of my own depression, watching the crying from outside, as in i stopped three seconds after there was no one to listen.
on televsion is a Televsion documentray of Christ. where prime time televsion is talking about Mary magadelene, in a time where we are hearing about moslums, and the holy war, and here we are on televsion with christ. AND WE WONDER WHY NOT TO WATCH TELEVSION.
WHY NOT MUSLUM HISTORY, WHY NOT SLOVIC HISTORY, TO KNOW YOUR ENEMY SHOULD EQUALIZE. YOU DONT SEE THE OTHER SIDE, AND NO ONE WANTS TO SHOW YOU. SHOULDNT A DEMOCRACY REACH TO EXPLAIN SO AS NOT TO CREATE SIDES. OR ARE WE CREATING A SOCIETY WHICH FUNTIONS ON AN “US and THEM” CONFLICT ECOMOMICS. AND TO ADMIT A COMMONALITY A UNITY. CREATES PEACE AND COMMUNITY, WHICH MAKES INHERENT DEMAND. FOR THE COMMON UNITY.
THE MORE WE LISTEN, THE MORE WE DIVIDe THE CLOSER WE COME TO THE UNITY,, SO SOCIETY WILL ENENTUALLY. BUT ALSO WE WILL EVENTUAL UNite IN A COMMON SPIRITUALITY, FOR WHICH I HAVE BEEN FEELING ALL MY LIFE, WHICH I HAVE SAID IS CONSCIOUNESS.
IT IS THE TRUE KNOWLEDGE OF LIFE THAT WE ARE SPIRITUAL NON PHYSICAL PHYSICAL ENITYIES. WE ARE ENERGY.. AND THAT CAN ONLY BE PROVEN BY LIVING..
i HAVE GIVEN UP LIVING WITHIN THE SYSTEM.. I MIGHT bE GOING BACK TO JAIL. TOMORROW..
MAYBE.. I MIGHT BE CAST INTO A DETOX. FOR FEELING.. FOR FEELING I AM UNINTELLITUAL. FOR FEELING I AM A PSYCO. WATCH AS SANITY CHANGES,, THE WORLD WAS ONCE flat by unanimous vote.
i guess i have already told you but i am in trouble. i am confused as to what i want to do next and if i don’t descide the world will be chosen for me, i could run.. no i can not. i did not go to work today, becasue i was and am to mentally tired. i need to rest and have a pleasant day before going back, but maybe i will not have a job when i do. i am not sure, it is likely that i will but it only settles the money thing, then there is the facts of no home , and the stress i am feeling living in the car is huge,, but last night i remembered how to live in the car, that one has to Put the seat , the front seat into the forward posistion in order to get enough room to lay all the way out. this car is alot biger than the last one , though it feels alot alike.. the whole moving the front seat forwards was a discovery.. ( I did it before and just forgot).
the curtain , it is grey , it is supported by a long thin peice of metal rail normally used for the ends of mesh fencing, good and strong , i cut it close to over length and bent it in.. then made the curtain, by placing key rings through the fabric. each end of the material is wedged onto either end of the rail, and the rings hold up the middle. it is cool , and last night was its first,, I spent two hours fixing up the car yesterday,, painted two windows. so no one could directly see in the back while i am sleeping or while the car is parked,,
but all this is secondary,, i am confused and lost,,
living in the car is not so bad,,it is how everything gets handled.. that becomes the matter at first, i was only to be up in boston for a little while , now , with the criminal charges which are going to take my licence. i am again stuck. at least inside my depression if nothing else,, and i have to choose what to do. do i stay here without a licence for enough time to get the hardship liscense, which my lawyer says i can get right after i settle with the state ,, that means when i am on probation. and nothing is more stressful than an unseen enemy..
but here we are. i am still in the reality of depression more than anything, i get to work and get so tired i am nothing when i get off, i forget everything and hope becomes the love from a women. That is a normal workers life, but it is not an artists, and i am trying to hold onto the art i have, for my sanity and soul. but i can not tell you what comes first money or normal mentality, for one i have given the other. and the reverse, i have lived on the streets and played guitar all day and was happy with enough for coffee and cigerettes,, but i couldn’t afford a place. So i went to work getting a small job dishwashing. which didn;t work out i wanted more money, and i started to drink with a girlfriend ( who became my all and my loss when she left) I Went off the civil scales. Retreated to my room and left lies which i knew were lies take over for hope. on that front.next month he said i would be working,, ok i will beleive, and did. then the month passed and the real word came in “no work”. and the man saying that walked away. And i walked back home oweing rent and bills and life. i became depressed and could think of no way out and then i started to go to therapy, Three months after i was kicked out of the apartment the state gave me money to help survival, which i stilll am getting.
Therapy started, and i was happy, that i was doing something about my depression, it is a chemical depression, and i can not just get over it. but i do beleive in the facts of talking out what is .. as in ,, i started to really think about my life, and how alone i have always been, and the love that has been in my life. the reason i am alone now . and the reason i am in my car. and faced with the problems of this time.. I was with a friend i thought the night i was drinking.. i left alone and blind drunk. i forget alot when i am alone, my whole summer will have to go to the state for the fines so much that if i can get the probation taken to northampton i may have to do the time because i can not afford the fines.. like today i did not go to work and i would rather be unemployed and taking care of the life i cherish, than trying to save money for a life i can never have , i will never have peace without art.. i am going to take a nap ..now.
So i did.
the dreams were like all future type dreams for which if you ever knew me you might have been told i sometimes dream in future situation i lived later.. this was one of those dreams. i was on a construction job which turned wrong, i was being fired by someone who was not the boss.. that is all i remember..
So here we are again. Last week a friend said write about a futrue you want and then go live it..
a future i want , what is that to a man who believes in timelessness. the future is dreams only the self is alone in physicalness. and there by i have never lived for a futrue that was really undetermined during the now.
I am an artist. words and visuals are my arts. i have developed only these really though i do paint also. but the remaindar of my life has been trying to figure out my mental problems. that has taken me into drugs and away from drugs,, into the negative and into preceptional changes of life, I merely started to take the good and celebrate that,, life now.. when the air is a blessing on a hot afternoon in june. when i get to watch a man play with his dog. and mind his very young child in a stroller.. all the dog wants is the thrown ball. the man must have a house where to go home to , maybe a wife. my view is the jamacia plains pond, a resurvior for the people of this area. many people come here on the week ends , and my shoes are off. a purple colored weed springs up by the edge of the man made pond which use to be a place to collect ice long ago. the weed is visited by bees, and the man is talking to his son, who only understands the dogs smile, and the inprisonment of the stroller..
I feel at peace. but tomorrow i will to work and strength and tireness, tomorrow is will to batttle the traffic and my own confusions at what ever job is am presented to do. to night i will worry wherather the car is parked on a street where no one will bother my sleep, but i found a new spot away from traffic and away from people , I think i want to move to a small town when i am finally sentenced for the drunk driving thang. . I can only love the trees and the nature of man wihout the nature of man involved in socialization of the same, the less man concumes nature the less he cares.. trees are caring.. they are cover for the weak human flesh, that is why people from the desert would first need religion. and civilization. they needed to have hope for the nature was/is a killer to them and god opressive. where the other cultures did not achieve as fast on that level. most of civilization that develop war fare became the leaders of civiization, because they need to civilize and create homes, the rest could live with minor attentions untill those warrior races showed up trying to kill them, then they to started to organize. or at least so it seems.
Humanity now again is facing nature, for our civilization is creating the need to over come human nature in its basic consciousness, we can not kill to get what we need so those who are strong in physical strenght are used for that, are created for that and self create for that,, as in all of our need to be answered,, but civilization is falling to a level where we are unsure about the future, our creations have left us to question our thoughts, because our thoughts do not align with civilization, to be civil is to have peace, but peace is not giving up our basic needs for the survival of economic reasonings. Maybe i am being in this vine american.. for americans are the youngest to hve a peacefull civilization,,but peace used in this way is peace without inner harmony.. for the american system is created around the abuse of man’s labors. and the subjective concerns of our psychological attitudes. it is this attitude for which i need to face, seeing as i am distracted into my world of harms, my unloved excistance created from my unloving american system. and at present ruled by the texas warlord of george w bush. not to give him the responciblity of my birth, no that was american.
that was the labors birth, that was the offspring of alcoholics who are given the drug to ease the pain of the unresponcive nature they must up hold in order to be alive, you can not look to far if you are a laborer.. you must look to self feelings and the elimination of those feelings to get through your day.. I deny that the wieght is to heavy. so i lift it.. i deny that a bullet should end my life and that fear is apart of me, to fight. i denied i had a terrible child hood of abuse and silence and tryed to love no matter. Personal choise has not been apart of my life untill the last two years. and now i am homeless because i accept the voice of the love i feel. I like my art, and without a job i am clamly driven to the art and to the peace for which humanity should be alive to. but it has been a change of consciouness. and a love for mental strenght untold to the laborer. unwelcomed even in the boss worker relationship.
but i am not without my ides. and for them this is all good. traffic passes without a tellling to the gases emitted. but each one would tell you the painfull effects someday, of our love of cars.
the speed of life is now subsonic but it is speeding up. the only way for civilization to go forward is the calm readjustment of our loves and our focus, for which the humanities would project, we must be greate people to be a civil earth. and for that our animals must learn what they have learned.
I stand on that journey with thought. for my smallness is the greatest teacher, and i am responcible only to that , so as to be free enough to change readily and enjoy the transition with the celebration of words and the projection of ideas into stories, and into these journals and such is why i write, for the future is left to be dreamed , the now is the living path.
I was wounded from the most important characteristic a man can have, the element of his trust and the loveing of himself. most working types would face the same, most who need to deny the artistic impulse to survive need to deny change for it might stop what path has been created from misunderstandings. and lives are at stake for them. children created without attention to love’s true importance.these children become like they’re parents other wise, I would hope to give a starting ground to the change someone needs to find peace in self control and harmony,, but the battery will run out for today very soon, i need to remmber what i am daily,, is all i can say quickly..
So here we are with everything in the car. and me sitting in another house owned by another person. A women divorced with children. She loves to have me . and yet nothing is real again. I want to be alone with my clay and pens. but to believe i can get ahead is the hardest part. but to see beyond this moment is the hardest, the television spills out the tale of the titanic, and i watch with attention to what is not me, I wonder weather i would be the same morally if i was not depressed most of the time. the fog of my thoughts the uncherishness of my dreams. without joys to lead me and only extrvagant actions to entail life, my music my art. there where should be common happyness with the colors, the love of the women. and the high of being alive solely. it should be enough. but then i look. the rain came down for three seconds when it was to rain all day. Sore loss the day for the prediction.
and there we stand to know what is to be, by forcast.
I watch the movie go. playing rich against poor, love against ease and or nessecity. here where i am playing sanity, when we are walking the thoughts equality. Be practical and loose a sence of self fullfillment.
and yet i have had every whim and luxury of poverty. from drugs to fantasy, but i am apart only of my dreams. i take days where the rain comes and goes away quickly. life is a thing ancient for whcih give memories eterally romantic and dear.. so i am to see life and my escapes. even though i know a person can not escape fully. but then i don’t really want to. it is life for which i need to be alive within my dream, the guitar. it is in the car. waiting for its usefull day. my dreams alive within it.
Today will be over soon, and yet i want to know what i have taken from today.
I have to describe the days i will be spending while i am on suspension because of the unfortuate drink event which caused it. So here we go..
I have no liscense as of tomorrow morning at tweleve which for all it is worth is enough to say i have no liscense right now. If i go anywhere to sleep it will be tomorrow by the time i am to wake and then i wouldn’t ,by law, be able to move the car.. Wrong.. can not risk the morning without car being safe so i have parked it on the street in front of Olivar house, my present employer.
Olivar figures into alot of the story of the last months. Seeing how to come here i have no where to stay here as well as northampton where i was previous. I was, am, homeless, transient, with an alcoholic and depressive nature. Nature being quite creul in that my father committed suicide at twenty three, and i was raised by my mother and a visious over lord of a step father who abused and degraded my childhood. and of which revolves the reason for my presnet state. you may be able to here Tomas Mann in my words right now .. I am reading Doctor Fautus.
so i descide to write the facts of the time spent in “suspention” an analegy for most of my life Suspended from a sort of humanness found in happiness. Suspended from the joy of spiritual excistance. and right now again for it has been many times Suspended from the security of a permenate shelter.
It is my own story i tell , and always have. i could remove my self. and give faulty names and generious and mostly ignorant elborations for my character but that is not me.. and i feel being true revolves the enviroment and evolution of mankind in a different way so that others are not to discount what is said as being facts of invention. though one could . I am trying not to make an error that would invovle a more sybolic cleverness than the truth for which i seek as a personal and world evolutionary motive.
It is funny but the liscense has only been mine for a few weeks but still i fell right in line with a life of travel and adventure. for whcih i had not previous but must have unconsciously dreamed of.. To travel was so much fun. i like to drive, enough to wake it to the country and the shore in that short time. for research of clubs. and a discovery of street scenes. I almost even made it to my first rave for which I want dearly to research as part of the modren culture of america. So lossing the liscense effects the speed of my life.
it is funny through becasue one of the problems of modren life is also the speed of life. I sped around town without meeting anyone such that i could not have the commoner conversations i would have walking.. there also was not real connection with the streets I passed over. so that their problems were only theirs and i could not understand them.. One of the other elements i will miss will be watching women pass by. Craning my neck to such an extent that the speed made the action almost tragic from attentions demanded of the road. A car is also a quick suicide everyday to be aware of.
But without the car as i am describing, I can not go anywhere fast.. to walk accrossed town is a hour journey. and one i didn’t do much of just for that reason. before. with the liscense i was doing favors for people and expanding the attentions i gave to friends. I felt confident to go through the next steps of my own personal journey. but now i am stuck again. but i refuse to loose the effects of the nontravel time. to write more and follow the journey to the mental designs i have been following before i got the car.
Slowing down the speed of my arising but now i know i will have the car again soon so as to plan for that day.
and yet when can a day come as a feeling that isn’t already here? I am to find the morning unworking. No money to be made no hope for the ultimate just day thinking when i should not, or yet, reason would have to be at the end of a long rope where the ground is below anywhere would not be fullfilling heaven as above, comeing down seems the oppisite but grounding is the need a calling to earth, the majesty of which is untold but unthought is the excisance of shelter in our mondern world. the simple is forgotten sometimes when we follow thoughts so complex and retarded from a common nature.. and so i wake.
last night stolen from the car , i laid in an apartment woned by my employer who knew not but will find out becasue i was seen I waved even as the paying person screamed “don’t smoke in there” without even a hello. Funny the hatred of smokers by the non smoker. I guess that was a general theme growing in my late teens at home in pa. mother hated smoking.. all my friends smoke. but then my frineds often number the people who tried to commit suicide. and generally are activist in there thoughts and actions. but not regarding smoking as a front.. when even I know it is.. but there are so many we get lost to which ever way we choose.
Nature has its own demands.. as we avoid it, grow weak to civilization which often stands in the way like an egotist. Western Education and the Elimination of Meditation from an over all understanding of body mecanics, Private property and the desprite flux for the working class to afford life and home. World culture and the dogmatic historis which litter it’s ablity for invention. Just to name a few. but the demands of the spirit of the man the individual can not be over looked. Each time reason and linearness unpersonalize us We loss. I can feel the conclusions of medatitional life, but i can not tell you or you may stop competeing? might stop being materialists? why? becasue you might connect medition with budda, and forget it is prayer mixed with visualization. And yet it is realizing change on one level, knowing that enlightenment is not of you, but that you are a student of change as humility and evolution requires. is definity a reverse of egotism. One must have a study of personal history to know. I have long been away and then when i come closer the facts make me sad and i want change. So i freed myself a number of years ago to the concept of change enough that i but my life in storage. in order to recreate a life based around music. and performance. or living and writing as an occupation and not just a hobby, For that i had to understand and accept One that i am a writer and a musician. i am not happpy without those action controling my life. the seperate peace of understanding nature individual nature. and accepting it. becasue i was alway insecure about making a living at art.. and still am,, for there is no real art without audience. and sometimes it is hard to even get the stage never the less say what needs to be said with so many in reverse to change,, the mud is thick with gold and only the suffering wish for change.
so be it. and yet the spirit suffers the acceptance and rejection of commoness. and understanding, for we deny personal experience to go on , we forget the wiegh is heavy,and isolate those feelings, until a part of us just dies under the wieght, and gets the name maturity,
but what is the thoughts of death to the man who is missing alot of life, bechetts character inNausea,, or i am not sure if it is that book or not,, the characer was calling out its depression, six stones off sucking. a clean empty pocket for each, for there was only four pockets. bound to the thoughts of the sucked stones. and i to get only what i can from the stabliity the rock.
a aliveness whcih includes of and others. with spiritual respect to self. to take credit for a nature whcih is develped slowly becoming the light plant . as if physcis has a predestination of realization awaiting it.
Like to see at all is blinding. Faith as sanity? throiugh scientic analizs, but not in common ear, the media so abundant. A personal acceptance of what can not be denied. Do world problems lead me to that? is a story questions to inspire or harras, my blue collor, and turbulant growth, for as time errodes into Psycological responce, such the evolution of ideas is.
but yet to write the mosaic, as living what care a man has to, a haman facing the self uncerated but taken from training. seeing the training like to se what would be health in responce, inventing against the images which come to frightne sometimes, palying the guitar the a neighbor i heraa yells shut up , when they realize i am going to play and thats what i like to do streaching always the first ten minute after the yell, heard above or below depenidng on mine heardings. It was me , Always and i don’t know , the sufffering of queistness whixh explained shild hood , that procliamed a trailor , and middle class cares,, no learning except from my mothers eyes who always inspire me,
It is somethig you take , like the ifrst wink for anyone, so attenion and beyond in caual, eye language,
yet it makes no difference these words sometimes going ove what is kown,. and some times, left behhind to settle cures of civivlation, i am animal when i need money, just slightly more organized , the fist of hammers, the on target. and expansion’s construct. give me somewhere to go Tara.
please oh tara dear preacios god budda. .
it rains alittle.
most lof the time seitting here i do not think of plot except how the reminder of plot is the historic portayial of self. here seeing what yet is whay it the calll of himan defiintion. I have walked out on sanity, sleeping with the double edged knife to realize the power of having a life, the connection spoken cause no one believes what they feel enough, know one.
Like peaching it falls from the tongue the fingers, oh what is the difference, experience the thiryt word aminute thought.
a drunken haze only.
lets us enter what is next of the world to conscious understanding , and
I sit writing. I sit while i listen to two men put up a ladder, i listne , the hellos from people , short spnaishconversations, a dielece of Nicrogaw. or , no not snasaliveaodorean, but it is after a full day i know, they did what they had to and down came the ladder,, or no , they are still just putting it up, the ladder is dull aluminium the otowo carribean looking men, a tone to the stin like dust before dark red-brown. the ladder stands for a while before the rope is pulled to place, now , the fact is to repalce the light , as i went out, and saw they were having problems controling the ladder, wings you know , for them that don’t do it.
they have already worked a full day, the elements is tireness in this case could lead to safty mistakes, the longer. I sit here and don’t do anything, then i go and help them, almost like they would need the help, by i figure they are tired, but they should lower it.
. ok ay, I stood up and gave assitance, the world of brother is big enough for all the rest.
So anthorer day another house, this one should i tell of should i admit how much love has come back iinto my life for the leaving of it. Leaving love, walking away form what i should of always held, so much love is life to be to again see it and live with it.
not as some held up rummer i have to seach out and claim my life in it is the celebration and kindness. it is huge from attractive women, long and deep, with the health sex appeal and the unimportance for the hug is strong and tenderly attractive to touch.
the night was good as i will also suspend drinking for now again, because i have something to loose, the longing for personal contact without the imprisoning demanded world attention ito what is alone. like ask the congurantion for the priests thoughts. or asing a million to tell you your conncection to god. as self is survival, and wihou all i have done , i respect sertain parts of life , and for them i will go on. sleepy
So here we come and i must write as quickly as i can in fact it isn’t even worth while sitting here waisting moments but yet just to exert, the infinite the push in space, the smallness against the amass of vacum.ng for what .. there is no waiting, there is only time to see , sight with good eyes for the good awaiting, sight wihtout for the bad eventualities. but would a moment make cres and tears, one would say so much where it does not mean for any but one , and yet one is the listeners, with an oversagae of words, and emotions communicated untill , such speed whips clean form and folly, see as one things yet is another, waiting , stand to define and elborate the differences of perspective and times passage, we can forget the moment sof the moment goes into the depth of it techonogical instantaiousness. a preception only but the small is yet all to. and Crimes we have made of the desions, as one is all, but yet why individual difference yet to show the measurelessness. while there excists agreement on a measurelessness.. hard about conscious and metaphycial spiritualities common applications.
a moment waiting seems like all moments mixed to gether for an eventural out come, wait .
the last is done the next is never really known so as to not delay further with human intent.. as without merit are meritous, for there is no exsercion.
it is the end of the day when I have done little again but sleep, I am afraid as i was last week, htat i have wrecked the employment i had, and now have to find more, but yet to day is not to be the day, it is late and i am in the car waitng out the night to come , I hat ehtenight every street turns to a horror the day would not allow. Even as i park in a rich almost remote side of town i am chilled in the evening, for i am not the only one to get spoooked, the people who live here are my worry, yes they could call the police to investigate the car. I could be left here alone facing blue lights and shiny questions of the purity of law. the difference of aruguablity. there is no law for the innocent. but i wait the time. through this suspension with bumps on my head and sleep. I wait for what ecomonics would give to the surviver. I have grown long into unemployment and not noticed for the music and emotins the weekend gave me. I was very low untill i smoked and then i was numb and that was equal to being directed, and then involved in anothers life, the interests and actions i took from being directed gave me enough to get through two days. but today without work. I slept and read. and will again but i turned on this computer and realized i should write something to keep the flow of words and the acknowledgement of the exterior world at large.
so what to write with no time. the elements of life come back to haunt or just relieve themselves. A love called last night to ask me to send her a copy of the one act play we create together, as in create for stage and a play that created her love for me. but like myself she lost touch with the elements that made us great with the youth in her veins which forsees enjoyments rather than any formula of partnering.
Should i tell of her when Sweet cheat gone has already been written. It is funny how a character type can go on and on, without attention really paid to the troubles of the incest victum. the drug victum. it was that which the play was about.
the play was called “sort-of”and i wrote it to tell about the thoughts which plague common man and the spirit which reacts to the thoughts. It was funny because i did not lead in to the plot, there was no plot, it has a character whcih was alive, basicly in solique, talked of the arising of a consciousness for which the whole of life is stemming from, the character talks of a said difference between civilization and the hope of civil thoughts; IE spiritualism and a return to calming human nature.
While a left and right , male and female consciousness spole of the physical attitude barriors each has to face to be alive.
So the day proceeded it its way. slowly boring, spreading water over a roof to stop the leaks by finding them. i only found one , and can not wait until the real work starts that which drives the day into the past with hours accomplished against the labors demand. It was a day i could not really understand spending eight hours spreading water to find an invisible roof leak, I couldn’t understand what i was doing makeing the day a feat of uncomfortable thoughts, Am i doning anything?
but now i am not at work and i want only to sit back and think. but it is troubles that reach first. moving my car when i am without a liscense. parking to sleep in it , worried over the police coming because the nieghborhood is rich and calls at the slightest whim. but i can not just leave the car and find a place to live just because i lost my liscense, i don’t want to go to the shelter. So i am filled with answerless questions. but one thought sticks, and it it a resolve for the future. I will be forty next year. I have no real profession, and i am basically very poor what am i to do . what am i writing for. was not this supposed to be my life. published and achieved, while my hands still remain in construction. and my thoughts still are contained wihtin depressions goallessness, and unloveing society. And yet if it wasn’t for the criminal charges i am facing i would be ahead of the game. i would of had my computer by now , and ready to go somewhere else. I really would like to find a place forever, i have a good twenty years left. what should i do with them. write more plays and act. play my guitar, and preform. The truth is i would like to come up with a good idea for a book, but i can never stay to an idea. just one.. so i keep trying to wrap my life within these writing tryingg to tell of my evolution.
I have not smoked in two days, I will try for a week. but i have already made up my thoughts for the meeting of peoople who will get me stoned over the weekend. My job will be paying me on friday. i will have to save the money. i will have to live cheap by working this weekend, and i will have to save what i can for the court.. a pity, i could be working for the computer. working for the enertialcall but for now i will have to deal. i hate it. i also hate that i am without humor. and i got invoved with another women i can not stand when she is yelling at me for no reason. she made me want to hit her.. and i am not violent, or haven’t been throughout my life , because of smoking.. i also have been creative, becasue of smoking.. that is one of the reasons i can not quit or get some placement becasue i smoke and play alot.
August 19th thursday five or at least ten minutes before..
so here we are again, the park, by the pond, I give a squirrel a fig, and the car is air out, but i have it in sight and a cople of more figs for the stupid birds. I spent a couple of momments before writing to think, while looking at the animals , some with two legs some with four , the same looks on the faces, the same fear, and run awayness, I often wonder about. a women was close and i felt she was going to say hello but did not .
A second fig , and i get a squirrel standing on it’s hind legs as a thankyou i would want to understand , as such , he was just checking me out to see if i was going to move seeing how i am in front of a large oak tree , i think, at least (the leaves are the give away). He stops. Rises with his fig cookie between his claws and bounces over behind me and i guess up the tree.
I like to watch as people pass, noticing mostly how we don’t say hello. a backwardness of civilization in new England. a northren thing no one acknowledges. why are we scared. and then i remember last night,
I remeber my terror watch the driver of a car i was in , speed up and cut people off, as exclimatin point to the power she wielded understanding her own life, the tears scared me. the promise of her definition making all life seem worthless to live for the conclusions she knew, and i could hear in voice. sacred because i have had the same thoughts years agaoo, and i was scared of myself then, as i still am, but now it is a fear i reconize. and the resonce of living the realness of my life, i am trying alot more to have about me as focus.
A spent part of fig hit my keyboard right then: giveing me a start. I look up and the squirrel is above me. Look crazily down , maybe wondering where his fig went. maybe he was telling me it is all right to know and feel, i guess he is saying what i want it is my stoy after all. should i watch people if i am not going to talk to them, I like the way people interact and do not. a man on an horizontal bar, leg lifts for a second and leaves, never even saying hello to the young boy playing right in front of him, we are so unaware. or at least we like to pretend we are, While the subconscious plays with the scenarios and lead us to believe . Even while it invents where it can not know. and usually will not seek.
she stared at the road like it had a definition written between the seventy mile an hour close cut speed. she stared into the family leading to her moments of crying right then. the family she holds without understanding what she is in it. we look at the plot so easily from the passenger’s side.
I throw to figs out in front of me and wait for what will happen , a squirrel is behind me. yet does not come . yet.
People are funny , how we claim control , how we give it up, how we suffer. how we reason. Reasoning to hid our suffering. suffering to hid our reason. Funny how easy that comes a switched phrase. all true, we won’t accept reality until we are ready to , and that was my thinking before i started to write, how poverty is the lacking of emotional balance and wealth ,the truth of knowledge, but then to know does not change feelings automatically, i guess we have to refuse for a while letting life pass according to some subconscious reasoning system that has become nature. repeating the process driven into us, responced into us, lived into us, us, the un able to see, us the normal. who are barely able to rise out of the moments we live, we who get consumed by the representation of our constant dis-reasoning. A women gets pained into the feelings as guilt for the faults of her life, because the faults are responses. this particular women is at fault for wanting a boyfriend and going to many great length of personal denial to have someone, because for the first time in her forty years she is alone, her symbolism is my understanding , a man changing with the flow; understanding demands of himself. My guilt I can not understand so well either. But we are diffferent, men and women , but we answer so many questions of attention the same, and security, ,but while she expects certain reality, she rarely gets them. Expectation out wieghing observations. in other words she doesn’t’ see what is in front of her, and as i am in the passenger’s seat going seventy, i can only play the part. and try to understand the truama i would just attribute to inexperience and immaturity. Like my last bout with drinking. the suspension of emotion for which our subconscious deals out with negative reasoning. It is the difference between poverty and wealth, .
i think it is funny people jog and walk around the pond, trying to have some health with strenious activity becasue the must sit in offices, all day long, I work doing streious activity, and am stronger then most who pass, so i do the oppiste of my work, for leasure, , it is funny what we do to be inshape, health and strong. other definti ons of weatlth, the spent gold of feelings and balence.
but all this comes to the next thought, to live within the understanding of the moment , the worry the guilt is an increadible place to be. when do we get to understand life on the linear groughds so mixed with philosophy and generalized true thought, we seperate from our worlds emotions to have thought, or is it the emoitions must find balence in happyness and mior sucess, like i get from my writing, and music, but it is an event some people never get.. it is an arising, but at times i have thought of it as an escape and without merit, for maybe i just want to be a great man so that the living i have lived can be justified, or the attention my child needs can be realized though the “great” works i have done. or would want to be respected for. In other words my characterization instead of actualization. a man jogging has maybe many false reasons so doing so. He may think it is a good way to find a girlfriend, so many beautiful women jogging, but then his lack of real happiness shows in his approach and he is falsely involved in his actions, and is seen so. he may think his physical body is glorious and he is emotional mixed up with himself to such an extent he can see no one else. he is being a charaterization. , he may feel his strength will protect him but even that is a land of falseness the insecurity i know being a violently abused child. but his drive fails to see the women looking at him , and he never lets one in to the insecurity for he feels weakened by it, and works even harder, He may, like the women who insecurity make for the attentions of men to be sought with flirting eye she gives to the ever present whore moans to the single male, so characterized insecurities. so may characers, where comes in the wealth. actualization is a singlual affair that pays attention to the needs of a living balenced nature, . i need someone to share with, but yet, my fear often leads me to sistuation where i feel i am needed, falsely, letting my need over come my attentions. fasening the seat belt tighter around my waist. needidng the free fig bar, and doing my little dance, I pretend to be involved with her out of fear, and she just wants me and never asks me a thing about me, just tells the tale which is her love making, to see it i will listen, for she has little much else to say, she hasne’t read a book in years, hasent even fullfilled herself for very long without looking for the opinion of others or diverting herself for come caring which is life occuping. Maybe this is the only actualization is will ever get,,
here we start a rain storm whcih would look like the charily of a hurricane threatened last week, but it has been only fifteen minutes, and yet it cools out, the first moments of a nother thurderstorm, and the idea, of newengland to celebrate the wrongs. and the unclear, where would we consume the thoguhts of the negative, and sisturationalin our educational bias.
and the tellingof of emitons and now , the tide of kindness never telling the obscene af what is seen, oh help the heart imagined and not see, the use of a moment , the unkindness i must inflict for a person to respect themselves, i only do to women,
my pause is a realization. maybe, my care of clings like a virus , spoiling what i self reconize. it is a respect for being, to acknowledge self understanding. but i stay alone alot. and when i reach into a women who i don’t respect because i have pity for them, Mostly only living what i already known, their lives based in “love” so form of scarifce for others that goes beyond patience, and return. Oh i let a sistution happen only New enlgland would imagine, no..
new england is just where i am and maybe that lends in the telling some, no it has nothing to do with the emotional preoccupation of man without feeling for the preoccupation of all. for mostly i see emitions being fullfilled with tears and violence, ho. Showing and i am to transend.
What forces the innocents soul decides. I carry my life on a string. and there, others can not hang. for the demands of the conscious is an self understanding, my pain inflicted is the relance on feelings. with all the cursing of externalisms that go on. is that others to see my be others you see.i will explain later.. when later is know to me,
And so we go, what is the quietness, of truth in nohitng. in tides of mornings telling the physical of a last night and a world of away, i am not here the answers , but then, do you hear, the social the communicaton, that which i feel un able to have social sanity is not.
the talk of the tables. at makes my head spin.
we spell, out the war, fare.
with weapons, energy and , adn connections of bushes to wwII, mercury to hitler. oh , tht, a mais a slow useage of time and tickle the nose like bad cheese and the nakedness, it is on with a grey sports top , and the welcomeing of being alive, the wellcomeing of being beyond, and he stinks.
what is hard of flow, a man comes up, with the look of our systems, making , with an up came. voice from soncers. the homeless man, but not the respresetation of half way, he id try to say hello. what land of time to crete it self, the changes which as for time to eveove, a man sits with paper, a couple form indiana, it was pease full and then , it was polotics, and it was agreement and on with life, the strong.
the bush ..
if i am to publish this there could be no ellection, of choise always desicded in back door politics, the freeing wasnt to control and are doing such , there are silences tha kill and voices tha unity from there mutual emotions, so standing our lead is for one,
to stand without the manidtroy ness of a past but the acceptance of the moment , and the descision, to care , the descion of time, it is allone on the froces to car,. and responciblity of a democracy it to world love, first as it is born by the childrnen and enviroment we create and invibe through slefl created wholes. i am without time to allow consciously understanding chage, and awareness. I am interior and subjected to those demands. a solotide vision, in the hayper zone to call home natures, decsicions, and nothing is not without , and muse can not be explained, and all is a part of knowledge and lesson taught, if not just to concieve, and evolve, the concept involves definion, and eachto this is a telling of all , as one, the telling of naurttral peace and mulitude desire.
Oh , loong goes the interests awasy like devistational evil, through materialisms, and ask a spquirrel to run and jump, and it wont
but now as i would ask the askings are amazing , we can not tell enoiugh ourselfves to the world , and have sanity to go along quietly, sanity is a lost term as i comprehend, for i feel i am insanity. I watch the interest fad and grow , i watch the world come and go , but i have to admit it is with my temperment to please mostly, ,
Sanity is what I think, when it comes to thinking,
is that, sanity is how I feel I should amend.
How I reason the rain fall, and clairvointly
find my romance and hope in nature.
Standing, as a sparrow is by a table
investigating the possibility of food,
around the out side.
of the ice cream place I have been writing at, the flow of words. like oil paints, the sloch, and ingorance of my words, like to be witoutout me, i sit, it is to describe and inhalle, .
the battery is not good enough to save,
There is a boundry of time. it , an excistance, to tell life to infinites, to tell grand nature to its own, and escape the boundrie’s enviroment, and the killing of heart through emotionally pained acceptance. we are alone in cold momments.
character one.. ( sitting in the audience )
Or you dont understand.
I have no idea where this is going, I want to tell of timeless concepts, my depth strained from the first momments of thinking , and there we go …. and medite, and gradually accept the other side as leading in its excisitance and more. and harping to a voice becond seems peace, there for flow a mass of excistance,
a laugh most time here follows.
next i would say world peace to a flicker of grin, and here ismism, what is this rooom with walls of concept and remorse, or pains in the hands of the creators, and smiles from the owners, in showers of champange at it creation, but the mediium should be not just entertainment but maybe inter-attain-meant, a main focus meant by nature and symbolism, mostly to be engulfed in sheer inspriation. or some folly of aclcohol. it is to give home to heart in massive denial out of a fear to excist.
imagine the supression of wants and desires, for anothers will,imgine, the accepted fasisim of our own live to give, and give untill, we know oly the giveing, and slowly man is a waken from god,
no longer a manipulation of cruses from the overlord, and at the age of fourteen i found out tielessness control. and was abandoned to the desions, alone at fourteen yo0u are really amazed at life.
it is all bight lights, in come barson, to tellings later, which never were, i would alone consume the world in drink and others suggeston. and there you go , like, it followed after that many years, listening to another suggestion, and consumming that control that slavery , that humility, .
a perfrct rock and a reminders of sparrows looking for food,the cememnt tables. , and shade aginst a sunny day, as the rays seem to chanfe of my eyes are going,
we can’t excist without charator one
you and i and anyone here, that had a mind to. could go to a protest , and sit ,, with signs , saying we are scared.
one person comes down each else, and gives out ,
sqare cardboard signs,
a play about really nothing so far. but the freedom. true freedom .
but now today, today is another day of waiting waiting for the judgement of thrusday. I am wieghed for drinking and driving, i am wieghed for being blind drunk and getting caught . it will be funny that i will just accept the vertic wihtou so much as a negative shaking of my head. I just hope i ma not sent to jail. this of course bring up a subject. my drinking, the reason for which would be covered in the addictions and avoidance common with many but the abuse of so few, the same reasons i wan not hold a common realtion ship and spend a majority of my life writing in this little book , this little computer, for which i find mostly at a lost to explain in editting.
To face a mental emotion mutation. one must have sobriety, and then there is the pain of ever realy having the fullness to answer myself. I palinly that night let someone ele rule my life, sitting like normal in anothers control , i watch my life excist like that , and only of the last few months have come to realize that character planning. I watch as my love becomes a obsession. for a full life seems answering the call to care for another. but when do we care for ourselves, and when am i to realize the infulence of subconsciousness, but alsa only with fine work do i ever get the hint. the flow is like i have said subconscious and hard to change. I am working abgain and feel the job taking the roles seriously so much so that i have not played my guitar in three weeks. of course it is hard to play in the car. even through i like the vechile , i am missing the freedom of space, to paint and play and shulpt.
but i am realizing the need for an understanding outside of myself again. but i am in gross compliznce, and have my drug dealer telling me what is wright and wrong, telling me whe doesn’t want to hear about the good time i had drinking because it was just drinking after all, and her voice grow weary and sad at the throughts. but she drinks and has no problem. she smokes daily and has no problem. she wants to play mother and i have one already, a form of caring outside of understanding. critcal and fascist. and one of the main resons i left my mother behinde. i couldnt stand to have someone be judgementsl without listening to the happytness it inspired.
I am agin in the park, around the resuvoir for Jamacia plains with the joggers jogging , andmyself soing what i need to to to exersise. i need to write to excersise my mind, where the day, lacked the much thought.but i have to admit i am not that tired. I played a computer day between drying rubber peices.
a gam that is fun , a sinereio on the computer which replays wwtwo. . but here we are to face the rest of the life, i am confussed by myself. i watch the women go by wanting some knowing i am not mentally healthy. But what am i so alone that nothing matters in that right, and i watch womne go by and am preoccupied by the effects, here in boston i can make a living, it is off the charts for econmomics. it is a job i can call in si,k and no one is taking a count, except when it is a important time, and when it is for a longer vatcion that a day, the week off is to much and my boss can not schedule wrok like that. so i am here living in the car and creating the next step but will i take it, even thought i would like to . will i . i felt freer in the country to create a life. to recreate what i am mostly becaue no one expected me to be anyway, it is what the alcoholics call geography change, and it doesnt work really. and then i get difficult to have funn, it always has been that way , most of my entertainment has beome an art form, where i anaylse and create some power of explaination behind it, beomeing eabstract as i am. and there we are, the abstract is life to be understood. but it is junny how good i was living before. i was trying and attending therapy. and ther i am cast back into the self doubt i have always felt. the drinking has taken some of the focus out of life. and it will be apain to get back.
i was drinking with a software desighner who stands on top of the bill for the most part. i can drink as much as he buys and he acts so fucked up there is no getting really drunk for fear of himcausing something really dangerious or life threatening. i would never get blind with him, icare about him whil we drink. and there is that caring again throwing away one life for another , scared i will miss out .
but the nights mostly stand out with him mentioning something that will help me,, last time it was a place to stay for the winter. and a fee of working off the rent. like it wold be a way that he could drink and get something done. but the truth is it is not a friend ship but a sponcership , he doesn’t share with me his life, he is lonely with his girl friend off in los angles. a girl friend shich is a prize to be putting up with him, and yet it was all for the cash that she succumbed. with a weaving eye no one talks about unless they known the both of tem for more than a moment. i am feeling trpped again and want only to escape , thrusday is a timed ground which tells how long or what i have to do to move bck to northapton. or even if i to go to northampton, maybe i should just get lost in new york wher ei coul ddo alot of auditions and could write like an artist and feel instep with my life, instead of here where i just feel homeless, or really just loveless. but if i can get a drivers liscense for the next three or more months, a day liscense which will allow me to look for work i can leave . but i dont know awhat to do really , i can feel no plan right now. I can feel nothing more than a reaction to my condition which advnces slowly , last week drinking, this week waiting for the next occasion, my life following paths unspoken but lived many times before, a coldness,
they say happiness is a chemical. and from the time we are old enough to feel it we must feel it , or we do not know how to feel it, and it is a fact i feel now, but i like dogs , and yet i dont like haveing to walk them, i like to dance but am to old to have a profession at it. i like playing hakysak , but mostly it is a achievenem of comfort in coordiation. i thnk i mostly like to get lost inanother eyes, in the idea of love, a fact i can not really feel for myself. and one i was trying to live though befor ei came here into the lonely ness i create of my society. but it will be a cold night and i will be happy sleeping in the car, i will not sweat and sleep.
but you know what is funny , is that alot of people excist with teh same problems, and yet never see them, and live there life with a faultless reasoning of superiority, and importance, which they carry with anger, and pretention. until some major event makes them look at themselves, and then they give up. and humble themselves, to there real charcters, and can not change. or dont even think of chnge. . i seem to want change and yet not be able to. i can queit drinking , but want to drink just because i am addicted to the escape. for i am confused about emoitns and pain, i wish i could care for another like other people . i feel even my caring stems toward abuse. iam not soft in it I am hard like my training has always been. and my survival has been my hardness, and i feel closer to inadiment objecs. closer to god, that normal people who are apart of this world. . I have to develp myself, and plan for a better life someday, like i was trying to before. i wish it was something yhou could really take a pill for but i don’t trust pills, i would rather smoke weed the rest of my life than suffer the hidden effects of long term psyco drugs. It is getting dark, and soon the coputer will turn off , out of power for another night, maybe i will go and charge and paly my compter game, maybe i don’t know , maybe i will go back to the car and dream of the love i can only really feel in sex. and maybe i will get lonely and try for asome connection by going to the icecream store, i dont’ know i wish i woul djust go to sleep, holding a pretty girls hand knowing i was part of something. knowing i have love, maybe i need a cat. or atleast a frog..
no frog or cat but court.
So here we are a day after i have been reviewed and judged. I am a bad person for driving drunk, but i am worse off unemployed and in poverty. Yes , for the hour i still have employment, i still have the job i am bound to without self concern for it is without me that i work at all. but listen , the courts have made having a job, the worst of evils for my state. for to them i will pay as long as i am working. for they have decided i must pay them lots of money, the money comes in the form of punishment for drinking and driving. but i had no way really out. i was blind drunk, and for all the worry over dead people landing under the bumper of my light fast Tara, I am to give a majority of my money earned from that “accursid job” to the Mass. government. and they give me occupation at the alcoholics anomomis. So i can spend another year saying nothing for one hour five days long during the week. saying nothing becasue i am not to talk for the norm in that world , i am not to see the crimes of my life drinking over and over again. i live for now, and i have already stopped drinking. now i am to stop smoking weed. and go to classes for the alcoholic driver. cost sixtyfive dollar for the privledge of probation. per visit. demanding of the state for money, just that alone is 1560 if i only go once a month with isn’t going to happen. no they will want to see me twice at least a month. and then the classes. for at least fifty dollars a month, leading into another thousand..
but lead all this is me. here in the thoughts of truth i am left holding the bag of my depression like it is not to be told. i am holding myself back with my reliance on marijuana. and yet the pains are to deep to tell, self to cure. I am alone with the pain i am really starting to understand. the past linked into a soul which doesn’t sleep and for all our denial, understands everything, it is the beast which reactively learns. and the seperation we must come to understand.
should we tlak of the cort room, filled like a playground with barely old enough defendance and depression’s victums. we who can not speck the names of good lives and happyness, we who steal what we need , like vaction is a chemical high, like we fuck and like we do the drugs the elite says are illegal. some elite who drink and have chaffers. who fuck their children and beat with uncaring. these elite who hid behid their corporations while they make temporal a world already so through the law of change, through elimination of natural defenses from the atmosphere with there bombs, and the mental clause of uncaring and a non loving common acceptance. the world of ” thats the way it is” so binding our world to the willless elite, there is no will without love. no hope when feeling is forcefully denied. and such is the state of civilization. when we see that we are more then will to destroy it and start again. like that can be.. no so we sufffer with the limits of change money will allow. but not inside our minds. and so not inside of art. even theough it is money which supports the cultural acceptance of art. but not the muse of the artist. and so we stand always without and with.
i am trying to think , and though these practises of writing do not help the progress. i do like to tell of what i am thinking, as my teeth grow long, and my life seems not to change intellectually. Emotionally i am to grow all my years. I grow becasue i was stunted and in that i am aware, but it is nothing a education would have created, no that would have given me just more denial, and elitist reasonings to blind even that small part that yet feels. for the oppisite of feeling creates true insanity, and that which reasoning seems to make more common. so i am happy i have chaoosen this path, for the common man barely ever reconzizes himself. and so we are,, to see i can not be more than common neess. it is only the ways of communication which seperate the elites, and the majority, in that art must hold. like the statement of the communist that the common man must stand, so here i am withthe observatces of the normal.
the money is almost to much , the time required of me to much, the chemicals i have to be tested for is maybe to much and most of all the restrains to mass are to much. i do not want to stay in this state. and i do not want to remain working construction. the limits of my thoughts. are such that i can not think about art, and money except the sumic, and for that has been the mission for the last few years.. i am still to think it over.. i have a couple of days to report for probation and i will soon, it would just suck to do all this and then get sent to jail anyway.. but i smoke weed and have never been able to quit. and don’t want to ,, it is the only time i can think allone and with hope and creativity , though most ofwhat i create i have only one sided ness with, i amcreating, so i am happy, it gives me live. but what is yet it that i wanted to quit smoking. but then my anger comes,, i start feeling my reality, for which i am an abused child, i have no care for my physical, for all the years of denial, in order notto go insane while anohter beat me and tortured my childhood out of me, the vengance of those years is in my fists. which have been broken five times over the years punching walls and beating myself to the face, i have even gotten in fights with people who could kill me and i have laughed at them wiht my misshappend face spitting blood but never giving up, but also i never fought back but once.. and those times scared me more. for i feel if i was not a passifist, i would be a murderer.. laughing for what life has been create into is so uncaring it does not purmote caring. so my vengance would be and has been only against those who are paid to die. the police.. who i would galdly kill and end my civil exicistance. but it would be for nought , the paid price will just be paid again, police are just uniforms, and guns, the people who instruct them and the voices those people hear, (the without blame people) the elites, should all die.. and they will with the democratic way,, numbers are the only hope.
the morning flows on, but it is bumpy with little stones. and sided with sheer cliffs of the earth that times wear on. to look up is the thick strain of blue, light hurting the eyes for it clairity.
A girl on a bench tells me of the home she is ging to next of the life she lives now. all in thiree seconds of hello lasting ten minutes before her work. a full lengh woolen sweater, and a turquis blue flurry dress, not formed, but calm in the turbulants of her time, she is twenty,
I of course, thnk what a moment , she is going to life in a homes closes to my heart in a distant day, i did not know her before, and so natrually i think of god. And feel attached to her. maybe i could help here in the future, adapt to earth, for being so young she smiles like life happens if to do it. and i am helped just by that in youths. I am still young myself. and do not care to get old, and forced into my suppression, such that even words that pile on word , do not mean a literary tradition or occupation. and the paints that amass, keep and costing, collect visons of oly the pasing flys, watch mildew grow on the paper, of boxes and specker cabinits.
your honor the majestrate
of criminal court
such and such a time and such and such a date..
i lied, i am not an alcohol, i am depressed. but mostly i am stoned.. and mostly i am alive. The maujania is smoke is for the betterment of my life. you question that and call me criminal. You will throw me in jail like all the others( ). but i have not killed and don’t steal, I found my way through coke and herion, and do not consume them, and i view the criminization of those substances just for they more affect the general heath, even through i feel the committment of crime on them should be Mental hositpitals not jails.
Is what could be a human is covered by black robes? Is the time of judgement on the judge worn cold and unbaringly simple, in the facts of mental condition? (there own and those they face.) for ,what could be ascribed as punishment, leads only to mass treatment. Programs do not work for everyone.
From the time i have spent in the “Room”, for the faterity, and fellowship, i have also endured the simplest converstion of “reality” are made important in the dialogue of alcoholic , they are true invalids, and should be shot for thier blantant misleadings of the soul. for the games they call personal excistance. most do not create and find heart lived, they find just more shelter and denial and dramatic negativiity.
I am not such a man.
I would choose to live outside than to suffer the guilt of my human instablity. called civilization. I have not the money to afford living, the textbook , “realitstate” money involvment. no untilities, excpet my cell phone, no oil but my car, Plainly saying ; i live in my car, because of private property which demands i not set up a shelter without money. and i refuse to let the system control me. I am my own man and it is only dealings with government and corporate buisness for where i am suppressed.
My depression was not mentioned ,and in that, i was wronged. for my words, can not be heard if i don’t speak them, and i did not say enough and landed in the wrong path of legalesse and punishment. the punishment for my error is extreme and unwarntting the creation of a better citizen from an unjust world.
to be further cast down, by taking away the only means i have of rising above. which for me, means merely “getting on my feet” and money.
i am not a bad person. you would have to acknowledge the agrueage reality of the events of each infraction on the record you had infront of you, you would have to review each case, and hear what was never said, becasue of depression and the victumization i have become accustomed to, still drives me to silence when the violence of other is so sheer in authortarian faces. you would have to understand the pain of a child who was scared enough to realize death was a word out of place, a stand unstood, a meaning displaced by memory. You would have to realized the creation of depression through truama and the mental “condiition” of a chemically depressed genetics. Doctors have stated it, for i was trying to get help and the state government has said it by giving me help. Even my bank account is free because i am unable to survive on my own. and need assistance. I am disabled. and and can prove it by getting my therapist or doctor, or state medical records.
I read the last line and think about the condition. i am facing, do I feel it all the time? yes, is it a condition for which i should stay on top of more. I have often fallen off the focus. When i have been in love. when i am in criminal trouble with the treat of jail. and when i am tired alot. also when i drink and when i smoke, when i don’t eat, and when i am homeless. I have learned this. and i have suffered less, when i was in therapy i learned i am very confused so much that i needed someone to go with me to collect state disiblity. but this is an off shoot of the childhood i lived. it was a silent childhood, and now i have trouble specking.
after being raised with fear of speaking,after twenty years ago.I found therapy important.
but as important as mediation. as important as my own philosophies.
sSo we have another day talking to suspension. talking about my punishment for being a depressed drunk, for which the first was never brought up in court. Was never mentioned, even as it is the full reason withut looking for all, But let us memorizs the frustration with the self and never the enviroment. wheather it be inpoliticas or the media. wheather it be in the eyes looking for life whenthere can be only the dealing with life, without natural caring, for the natural reasoning would ask or demand peace and yet civility onlly asks for more conflict inorder to see. moire profit, it is like the romans times but we don’t even fight over gold coiins no we fight for shoes. and we love, throuw a pretty women into the flow and she is the coin, and she learns to face off against all the attackers. all at once, by never loving , learning to deny , forgetting to be alive for a moment isto long. and yet, it it suspension we are talking here. how much can we assume civility in the name of progress and forget being at one with nature.
but it rains to much to write, so i must stop tempting my self. or am i , for i will write until it would ruin the computer, i will write , like the forces for which drinve me and have driven me are fullfillled, which becasue of the over working instinct of my birth will never be.
but let me first tell of the day, the reality without symbolism, if that is bossible, is that i owe, four full weeks of work to the government, and even as i hate the idea of drunk driving. i did do , it and i am to pay , but it is extreme for the government to ask one of it’s weakest elements to give away my life, my blood, but the truth is they didn’t know , for america would never hear the truth , never hear i am living in my car , and working. that i had to move back to boston because i couldn’t find work in little town northampton. that moving here dirrupted all the work i was doing for my depressed mind with thereapy and economic help from the government. enough that i was , learning to feel. with some help. with some focus. But it was very slow to have the economic resourse. doing this writing for my head , making art and playing guitar, but again resl soon, do i wait untill after i pay off for the liscense, do i forget that our system demands me to cope with the travel and the material ism, i need to create a life of art, do i forget that i want to create a larger medium that everyone can use. that fullfills the attitudes. of progrssive change,
the system of naturae and techonogy mixed. where we give up the petty differences, and remove the slangerious calling of the greedy. who say what ever , and do whatever is good for them.
some how then we belong in there work if we bow to that good. , and forget the rest of sanity of why we would want to have power. if you are not a direct blood line you are controled , and like the title of this suspendended from power.
but now i am sitting at half battery, and what was a talk of the government giveing me tho thousand dollars worth of fines. when i don’t have a house and live in my car, when i am depressed enokugh to have free health care for which doctors have assessed because of the childhood, and my inablities to have a house or a job. For living in the country i needed a car and a drivers liscense, but can not have my brian while i am tired, because of my depression.
a situation alot are facing, inspired by government, and fullfilled government. a truely american legacy,. enough that i am wihtout audience from all the years of suspension of self love.
and yet, iintellectually i feel i am joe average. but there was something else i was going to talk about . i dont remember what it was,
i could talk about it being day four. without majijuana. and i tried to visit my dealer, he wasn’t home. i tried to go for the reason of picking something else up , and i know i want to smoke, and have never gone this long wihout, and i feel, differerent , and it is not good, i feel, slowlly it is geting stronger, i am not happy, i can not remember what i am living for, i feel like killing myself. and drove around witha suspended liscense. and just felt righiousness, and hatred of the system that makes me stay where they put me, and my father, , with the uncaring corporate capitolism, for which leads our nation into fascism. and more control. If i smoke i will go to jail. and yet , i do not feel happy , it also has been a very hard day,
the battery is almost done. and my back hurts from the sex i have been having with a womne of convienance. but she should not read this , even thiugh i am at such a state that i can not lie, i am not in love with her, and feel guilty for it. i do not tell her i am in love, i sing about it to her like a tease, for the act is almost leading me there but it would be a love out of pity, she doesnt know i have body lice, and that i have infected everyone, thank god there is a cure, but her lust was to easy, and i am in need of running awyafrom my problems. so i let her have me,, while i touch her spongy, flaccid flesh and taste her alcoholic lips, and shutter. her face looks older than it is from the booze, and pills. her voice is high pitched and she complians about the past, and the present, and only hears the negative reflcting off the future. and i sit to forget myself in her company, because it is a turn on to her and it is a turn off to me, this understanding of why people come together, bothers me, but life is not roses unless you equal the intuition and love faith. through self love and respect. I watch the night come along.
august 30th tuesday.
and the day lead down roads of depression, and Lets get up anyway, with momments of almost tears, with time of raw joy, from the baseball game when in the first inning there was three runs, against an equal team. and there was the mention of a home for me, in an empty , to be sold house, on the darker side of town, which basically meeans it takes a real spieit to buy , such taht i might be able to stay for a little while. A baby and the sights of a dog, the cool air reminding of fall, and the ease of a night in the car. It is the time of love for me, i have almost always become romanctic in fall, and more myself for the celebration of another year on earth, it is funny my birthday reminding me that i love life enough to want to fall in love again. but i can not settle . and watch women who’s beauty makes me want except i am driven father beyond that right now, liking about , the reports laterly of my own beauty, of the feelins coming to the surface easier, birthday, and less smoking. Except last night. when the moon was full and the reflection of the pond gave memories flight against the present lonely ness. her a long time away, and always the most important of life. She an angel before i knew i was depressed , before i would ever love anyone. I loved her, and in that opond before my eyes , we made love and knew love forever, even while i was living for me, even while i was trying, i was in love with her, She did not chid me for my seventy dollar a month loft, withoout shower, with only the peice of writing and drawing and the shultpure i was trying of glass and metal, and playdo. Without education to guide i fell aside sort of. she knew even less than i how to get ahead , how to create the love i have for money. for to drive my self to believe myself, Even now it is that to face, that “I know Me” and this is what i should do. but what, the rest of my life is every moment after this one, this one where i sit watching women passing. lesbain, or straight, it is all forms for i can not say hello, people always look so occupied. And i seem to only get the ones who i can see like me, and the showyness of that is hard to refuse. but when i look further into most of them it is lost voices reaching for an idea, and not me. so there we are to find me, to live me without loosing me, there is the world , and the night is cool and i will be able to sleep alright. maybe tomorrow i wil look at a new house, and i will stash the car with a parking space, uncontested.
this while the republican fasist gather and the reportsw of media , reach through the pretended equal rights of a republic attitude. hate and fear are the calls of stregth, and economic subserviance. i fear the american public is becoming a lond of fasists, where we all fear righious walking our prejudices, and telling life to others. swo many women remind me of Jeasica, the last women i loved. the body the glasses, i will call to explain why i have not sent her the play i wrote and she acted in. i am having trouble getting it off the computer, it maybe just a clean disk i need. but i should send her a new one, but i need some more clean time to get the feeling. one minute until a free phone who will i call first..
i don’t know,
i can only see a womn passing right now in a pink top , and god my ending thirties are really getting desprite. I guess it is alot apart of the early years so unloved, self ishly,, then the years, of falling in love without a clue, the replacement i always was looking for matchiing my despair with romance. and so here we are now.
watching love pass, the love of others i will never touch becasue to touch myself is the truth, and i am invisible when i am stoned. the vampires mirror. our evil unseen.
and the police pass blue lights flashing reminding more , of the jail i am facing to streach through the year. and i can think no more tonight, i can feel the air, cool and dry , i feel sleepy and want sleep hoping it comes while iam still drinking coffee. and sitting up right. later.
last night the intake to a program manidtory for the suspension. the intake , the take in , but they didn’t why ? because i told them a vesion of the truth , i told them of the programs i have before i came to boston. the therapy which was leading to ssi , to federal disablity, to my homelessness, and my chemical depression. from my father , from the intricate motions of life against me since i have started life, but yet the fact have been less then the intellectgence whcih survives. and i know i am yet in the fray of loveing. they have assigned me to the fellowship of aa, and from my view, that is wrong the group depresses me. and i avoid depression, so i am not drinking but i am now suppose to not smoke. an so i will not. it is easy to avoid during the week but the week end is the problem. but we shall see.
I must have some good reasons for not smoking weed, i like the escape, but to feel, reality is fun, especially when i am playing and creating.. but i have always felt unable to paint when not stoned , oh my , idon’t know what to do. this year is going to be hard,, maybe if i get locked up i can get it over with faster, pay my guilt to society, a society which has done very little for me, unless i consider the people who have helped me. then i can feel guilty oover the facts of what could of happened, what if someone would have stepped in front of me while driving. instint would have said i would have missed them becasue awake or not i am a good driver.. i don’t know what they are going to do , i have to get intouch with the probation officer today..
That just reminderd me that you who are reading may not even know the government of mass. and the criminal system, here. the probation department has the power to put me in jail. and so they are to make a mental evaluation of me for the “ssafty of the public” which i will add goes to extremes instead of really handling the case. but i have to be smarter when dealling with them, my theapy should be for me period. my cure will never come from the state. as i am processed. and controled. what is really funny is that it has taken me years to admit how i feel and now they hold it against me, when a majoyrity of people dont say what they feel so the normal people are walking the earth without a real adherance tothe spiritual emotions they feel. So now having admitted the truth to the government the highter consciousness of feeling could lead me into jail or a mental hospital. it is funny really.
mean while the republican national converntion is going on , reports come back of arrests in the streets, of “limited violence”, of protests amounting to hundred equalling in the end over a thousand. As group try and bring attentin to the government of george bush being a faulty government, one which is thrusting the first of corporate control and and laying the money to friends of bush. for which wheather it can be provern or not seems to be the truth enough to impeach , while it is about oil and he , bush is an oil president, having enough money to hid the facts of what money he is earning, it is a farce, that the people who are make the oil in america are going over to run the oil from iraq, it is funny because
another second of words, idle mumbling from incomplete sorces, for iam and alive, if i not see, life, lived in intuition and spiritualisms made tangible, the increadible focus a muse without though direction except what is naturally felt, letting said feeling manipulate and control. I would where. i go , and expect no less. so meet the stars and have excess and graduar, but slowly know the knowledge is not ones own.
there is what is health and consiousness. there where is health to self and knowledge in doing what you have to , doing what comes nature even as nature would be push. Constude behind fleshy commericals, in our american leaning to lean, but wait while the tempations are lived comes the ablity to live. the flesh is only one wanting , one level of nature. and comprehension expands faster than physical compliance because it is metally health for granting a measure of peace untold except in the peace of now, and the need for world thought consciousness, as is individually applicaple.
Oh and i do yet stare with lustfull eyes and do laugh at my “artitry” but one day i went beyond the irony and sculpted, and one day i went beyond my lust and drew, and fair pen gave me peace. fo rit was spirts i watnched moveing in tree like form, my attactemnt a meditation. my joy the lions pride, and yet another can not usually be in my world which asks for muse , and exterior balence of time, even as i hear rumors of change needing symbols.
I sit on the city street where it is not so city, with trees making borders between houses. and nature has a face and a name where it is human nature so to impassion the regards of urben life, it is flowers of humans, with tales , like the rings of trees, pebbles in still ponds told slowly, in footsteps and dress, an power is the idenifacation of soul food. with eloborate interests and social graces. it is heere the urban leage of pretentions sometimes and the extremes of everyone knows and nothing is said. my hear of urban landscapes and semi queit streets,
one tone bostons JP.
but here is me who has traveled through the came in other parts. who has romanced on the loss , individually to the splender that i met. cold children , mostly and
oh here comes a beautiful mother and i am remindered of lust, the first sign of chemistry , oh yes being single is the conversation of lititure.. what granteed chemicals from antohers presents.
d right now i am contrmplaiting a love, make hard and forstered out of nesscity. what evil i would think in the motion and yet, human the leaning , human to touch and botherover, when i know it is an addiction and love should mke connection. should i go find erin.. I met here and she is twenty. a fuller life i would want to be beside, me, a fuller world of interests and help, evenn , one which knows life is not yet but the dreams we live. like i was with anna, and jessica, each with the beauty to follow politcs and postive preformance art. isit that what visions i get off another, for here i am distractred by my own actions.
wanting drive, i set off to equalize the thoughts of civilization. these must haves, becasue i must have. I am tired of living on the edge and to expalin is to tell what i have done, to be free of the turns which say you do or did. and yet i don’t know if i ever will. the moments giving only vsions past. reliving i still , can not really explain except with the same philsophies which explained last actions. but i have almost killed agian with those actins.
almost agin becasue i am now talking about the indidualism of alcohol, and the chestry of drugs, maybe with starting out with love, and focusing on what is real and the line which grants freedoms. ungained by civility.
but to say i am coming down would be alive to normalcy, and the binding forces of that. my hunger right now , and only do i want a breakfast.
So here we are another day. The kind of which is that it is raining, and i am without the controls of my old job, a one which i have been very rescued by and very remorseful over. But one that lead me to verify that i am an alcolholic and one that says i wasn’t good enough.
But maybe that is me,
but for the reality, it is 2004 and the world is caught in an american fasism for which these writing are important and freeing in the limited power of one. I want to write , about the world and how consciousness comes to greet the forces of life. But i will not right now , i will only say what musing i can get to my fingers as the day is going to be construction. And the night was to be an open mike. But even that is going to change, tonight i am again going to start aa.. Not becasue i need it.. Unlittle i do.. I can not stand it a lot of the time.. But now it is clear to me that i have to face the smoke. Marijuana..and what it is going to take to get over the facdts that i am attached to it. I have been scared of quitting.. I am scared that i have worse problems than i ever imagined that i get violently angry, for which i never have. I am scared the depression would be to bad, and that my life would feel lifeless. If i stopped. But so is the cliams leaving the miind , but i remember also, that there is a periord with all drugs where when not having them a daily even weekly part of the life you live , changes things. You get mental disiblities that you just have to live through when getting off said chemicals. The effect makes you think it is you you are facing ,, that you are all your worst problems. And that the natural is that whcih is effecting you. It is a natural i have not faced in a long time. And wonder how to get beyond it. But that has always been my drive to get over the effects of the past and my own inactivivty. To live and report. The process is the information whcih can change a world becasue it is natural. So much of my life has been left to the gods. So much has been feed to me, and which i have reacted to instead of controling even when it has been possible to control , i have not stepped up to lead, and that seems the only real altrunitive.
Oh these words are not for the general public seemingly, even as i know the facts are a definite postion within life. To document it to foster a consciousness in the reader, and here as in no where else, the exposure is the matter. Even as i am afraid of becomeing that whcih i have avoided, how much of my reality is true.
Like have i been merely dreaming i can write. Have i been dreaming i can play music. And sing.. Have i been dreaming about being an artist. For even with all the work in history laid before me by my hand produced, am i a writer. It takes security of self to know life. And for there there is a boundry i have not crossed, without drinking i am more secure. Without getting stoned? I have never gone more than three days without it.
it is days later the roaming off invited by the new,
Ashelter of borrowed wood and mortar. waiting sale on the free market. lots of empty spaces of the realitors joys and shelterlesss misery, answer , a firm policy of the homeless to create in every open house they touch. how about a foundation which creates homeless shelters out of houses, but they are working class shelters. you must have a bosses note. how abokut nothing i am boiunding of the keys again , i like the heart but the day is wronged,
here at last the computer to do the magazine and i sit wondering where to get writers, should i make it all alone again. i must create it. should i find a Painter who would for free, participate with the endeavor that wold rank as a good bet , only once. Or not as often as a painter might want.. Oh to reach out o the world again. internet. people around. i should…..
i will work some now.
It is funny , i am thinking about my day, I have again started to go to the fellowship of alcoholics anomoymous. . It is part of the suspension. It is funny what i have to do to follow the court orders. Sit in a room of hopeless alcoholics. I am not hopeless and i will not spend the rest of my years worrying over alcohol. The drugs and it is all me. So here we are i am not stoned and i go and get angry on the way to the store. Because a man asked me for money. That was all . And i go really made, and felt like telling the world and did, I told the cashier. But the feeling bothered me , I have not dealt with my anger. Or , i haven’t learned to deal with life. I am not sure, but i hate feeling that beast inside. That common man i have always avoided. I haven’t smoked for one day. And i am to scared to smoke for the next two days, somehow the fear of jail is making me quit. I am scared. But the reverse is scaring me also. It is like i can not control myself and i am scared of what i will do someday. I carry a knife. I want to kill somewhere inside me. And what am i to expect. After being hit from very early in life, i expect to be really crazy, but i don’t have the time to drop my life and escape into understanding anew. So a balence must come, and i am lost to the suspension.
But then there is the fellowship , these people who i am to trust , and i cna not i do not trust their intelligence to be apart of my life. I do not accept them. Mostly they are ugly and i feel the stupidity that is rampant in america. The common acceptance of “its my fault”. One can not separate the economic, political and education develpment that rules life. We can not just accept our limits without the creation of infinites. Does that make sense. Am i making sense.
All i can think of is the waste of a summer this has become again. I am now working for the system, i am starving for life becasue of the system, i am scared to live because of the system , and i am scared of myself like i have always been. But last summer i was really happy.
But who am i kidding i am still in the shit. The car is my home, the home i am in is temporary, and i am not even free of bills, with the system clamping down on me for getting drunk and driving. I was blind drunk yes , but i was also not granted a voice in the court to ask for some reduction of fines, or any explaination of my life, for which punishment must equal. If i wasn’t working right now i would be in jail. And i might yet. So the rest of my idea, my freedom to find the music. My equality with the mental effects of my growth is suspended, i can not leave boston. But like i have learned what are the good points, i am working for more money, and that is going well enough, though today, i had trouble with the lastest employee who took two breaks while only working four hours. And what do i say. I was to be incharge enough to keep people working , but mostly i don’t have to do anything. My to bark is not my style, i would have just had him fired. I can feel he will be a slaker. And if i don’t tell the boss, i am screwed.
But the thoughts are wanting to leave behind these problems, I want to run away. But can i . I would lose my liscense, then i would loose all the material i need for my real goals.
here septimber 15th.
boston. the world is around walking talking, but mostly silent. mostly yelling out troubles, mostly confused by their civility, i feel, there is a pretty women and she is gone, there is a gone women thinking she is beautiful. walkinging with the drunken love of sluts, lazy and slow. mid shit revealing a fat layer. but behind me a sleeping drunk spits up , and the smell is in the air somewhere just beynd but i cna still smell it.
I remember this area, this place i once bought joints at, here, was the connect for ten dollar joints good enough to be stems and seeds crushed to take the place of the real weed buds. but i was criminal for buying it, and it felt alive to be against the system, as even now to be crimininal is the rumor about me if you readd my rap sheet. to be against only my self. for no great cause was served, and i am still sitting here. with the trin vibrating my feet, and the high just leaving me, I am tired agaisnt the day. .
i remember being on the front page of the city section and was so proud, playing jadysak in the lequidless fountain, no one to tell then , no reason to call home, I was maybe homeless I don’t remember. that is what these streets remind me of. and the children , worn and looking to strech their street habits, of the steal and switch. Pale children fighting off the invisible familyI guess while the fountain looked on.
. Getting the next of a histoy of tragic termalisms.
those were the days when the streets scared me, and i would go to shelters when i was without house, before shelters reminded me of death, while i experienced the urine smells and true insanity. Crreate by the system. cast out into the world, to empty the sytems reality, no more help for them, only the end, in a world that spends a billion dollars ,years over, on taking over a country, will not spend what is needed to care for its own, and Captiolism works, Right.
but is it to look at the worst , those who would not fit in any system, the beaten the abused, , those with truams they have never been able to deal with , and finally sucome to. as i watch the homeless around, walk slow, wanting everything. needing as much and only getting what they desire to cast them further into the comforts a beast calls living. more drugs, and less notice. , you must just know the best homeless poeple have homes, the best becasue they are drug affected insanity stricken people , they are systemsatic ly supported, so the best are hidden away and consume eough to be perminately disabled but not really, they are the one who go to the system, the truely insane are not good homeless people, and begg because that is the closes they come to affording cigerettes . but as i sit here i wonder how much one man can have to say, every system is wrong and bad on a percentage of people. it makes me wonder if i am just still being stuborn and want to find fault, even while what i hear is about the capitol system, producing the effects of global warming, killing the chances of the small buisness, and making laws to insure this is the norm through a slew of hoops through which a small buisness must jump, from liscense to insurance, the rich are just getting theres out of the small mans mouth, and less and less is the equality of who is being served and the validity of the system holding out.. the less people who are included in the dream the worse the grading of capitalism, but wait there is more , for there are alot of people who believe on must suck up to the rich to become rich , there’s is a special place in the American public, like the up and coming clerk in russian communism, bow and scrape to the correct side and you get part of the prize, so we have a bull public, say the system is cool and avoides its demerits. i have often referred to the american system as the apple before the cart, a ridious sytem which tempts but in the end doesn’t give.. there by we don’t waste the apple. and funny that,, for when the apple starts to rot, and will serve no one, we cast it to the side, for a new apple , oh i am sorry , they say, did you want to eat that, the lies in the american system, ..
Free people should not have to give up human concern to have a systme that works, notice the facts of sucess in america, the ones we listen to are the ones who lie and cheat and steal , as long as they have the slight of hand , and other look at this tricks going on. and maybe yet this is just me,, falling to see my part of the grand picture, my way of fucking the sytem enough to be beyond dealing with what is created as humanity., maybe..
I had a moment. I listened while a discussion went on about abuse. Saying abuse victims abuse others. While the teacher in the “class” spoke in defense saying victums have to face their violence. I am starting to feel real angry at times. It is not good , and i want to face it. Later.
here today is another day.
Oh listen as i describe the last of the night here wherre i smoke and let the fingers go like they are mine and not, like what is created is only a tale of the abscense. Maybe a tale of humanity, of love, of the self which looks for each, and must separate one from the other like maturity would ask. For it is through my eyes that i look and describe, not characters, which for all the symbolism are the mutations of the personal, and these reports are everychanging and come to onllyt the reports them selves , as in to write the truth. Like that way i felt from a hug, from an ex, holding her from but a moment. Feeling exactly the inspiration i felt each time i was a one with her, the transportation of my soul , to a moment. With her living me, awaken if only for a moment , as in our age is the collective of exacies in to true joy, and maybe decadance, but as that is to a hungry man and a dinners leftover sitting in a plastic container on the street. The loveless make for love when there is only remembrance .
There once was a joy which was. And to touch her as she leaves only a purple spot on the floor of my life, that sercophague, like a four dimensional room, with glass shelves and nick-nacks of quiet days in love for which to stare longingly at.. Even while the past is the intoxicant of the depressed and mentally retardant, the future the hope and focus to be adventure to create even more knick nakes, but those you’ll stare at in death to rejoices for a next coming you may not remember.
And so the reasons are recieved and my life are my own, and smallness finds symbolism without even the intention of presenting. If i would love anout she maybe near. My birthday has always been a day of reckoning with feelings. Where i actually feel and the day is always interesting. But cause someone has entered my life so willingly to be a present from gods. And a one night stand in ever rested love. Where i never want to stand again for i still believe in the twining of lights, and the relevance of emptyness when there is no one to love, and the half sided peace without sexual and spiritual intimates in one person.
And she who rises in this , was a hug, and she was, many words. At once. Spewed into the Past..
She was instantly the texture of her sex and the peace of togetherness untainted and so maybe unequaled. But it was a time form giving away control and accepting the visions. When the envisioned would by making their life without me, because i am … because they are,, it makes what to accuse but it is chemistry. Soul-ly. a lived attraction.
Another day .
The love was lived and gone.. Now I am thinking about other things. Lets see what is today. Kerry and Bush are starting to really get to me, the Domestic issues, are getting no notice. The rise in the crime rate,, and we should research that. The rise in the deficit. We should research that. The fallout from the rise in the deficit. We should research that. The weight of the low taxes on the populus. Through education, the welfare system, and social security.
Letter to one lost lover but never as a shade of your voice reaches ears waiting.
And you have just let the phone go , as a stumble of speech delays just yet to the next moment. No goodbye. Just heart into the folds of a lonely life. Which found who he could love forever. Oh just how the spirit comes gleamed into my eyes from a voice on microwaves.
She is larger than my heart it was the moments the chemistry.the hights. Of quietness for which another could not support. And no one has ever inspiritered in me. Putting my life in place and the heat to the focus. Here we are … another day.
Her last words “Wait fifteen minutes.”
As the line goes dead , the world I live in comes into the gasping wounds that are right now. Simple use and be used, and it is again boring me, no truth. All lies and demeaning voices. I can not stand in this….
Osho. ? India “Guru”…..
So here we are another day to see as it pastes, the names are not important even as only mine i knowable for what i leave out, but the cases are everyone , the nature of man easily absorbed but normally denied or accepted.
So i had a work day.. Forty feet up in the air camly, but for the times i was scared, placeing a ladder so that i could walk on it. Fourty five feet in the air. Lite aluminium that wasn’t moving. But i was shaking.
The rest of the day for which went with the first like the jumble of living. From painting in the air to lessons on alcohol. To thinking about intimacy, to sitting on a main street in jamamcia plains, to taking the bus, to walking home , getting salad, and petting a shitsu and talking to a pretty , shaply, women who needs , pet help and someone to talk to about anything, someone to see her as a women with all the mystery and girlish notority a mother, daughter is made to hold inside waiting for someone special if not rich. Or that is the short version.
The first sights of a women are mostly an appreciation of form. Her breasts. For which if we started to explain i would tell of the beauty, the flesh, for which has attracted me before, for i was working down the street from her two months ago. She was a longing as i watched her wait with her son for the school bus. But i didn’t think of that, I saw her with a tight thin sweater, Her breates making the shaplyness i love to draw , the curves which give me a start. But after i had the rest of the day. Some how it just mixes with the mess of life. The beauty of purple in a mass of lines in green and pink and orange with washes of thick black and red.
I guess i can not really say anything about the day, i would like to tell of the day but i have the televsion on. It is interesting.
Sideshow bob is running for mayor. And winnes, the interesting thing is that a press conferance bob talks of his opponent as flip flopping on the issues, it is the first attack on the encombant mayor. Where just earlier a list of evil republicans from the mouth of Lisa Simpton. But the cartoon is proven for the good guys win in the end.
I have to sleep. The next few week are the last i will loose from these words. But i have to achieve those material items on my list of needs.
I am yet tired. ..
So here we are ,, i have gained money again from the infamious use of labors. Does one equal the other ? Can i find peace with the Green when never is any enough and with just some the expenditures look like hills of happiness when they are only waiting tides of more expenditures. I smoke another pack of cigarettes and know the words are slow to come here right now , I am again very tired and waiting for some resolve i can not measure up to , and yet i know i will have to save this time like never before. But my hands hurt. And age is creeping on me. I can turn no where soon and the effects of thinking about another life, are slowly fading. This is my life, this place i dreamed about this land of writing and thinking like a seconds decision made life so long ago. This is life. And here i am, I have turned thirty nine with a phone call from my mother.
What am i to do with the rest of this life, being pushed to understand and live so fast i still have not caught up to the speed, the lonelyness the heart acke of watching so many fears become forced survival.
To ketch up the reader , if i have not of late and i don’t remember. I am living in boston, but not , for my heart is still in northampton mass. I am living in a house, and not for my perminate life is in my car, and free of bills, for shelter. Only my things have shelter.. Only my hopes for the future i am still uncertain about are safe,, i am on probation again.. And know the forces of that can send me to jail at anytime during this next year,, but i still can not plan , much of anything,, there is a certain insecurity i have lived since childhood and still live. The insecurity has been of personal welfare all my life, but where it was once the abusive father, and the timid mother, it is now just me and my reasonings. The subconsciouness we live and call life. Followed with reasonings. And faustered by blindness. Even of ourselves, such that to look makes the denial more relevant and the intelligence more to blame,, but when blaming ourselves we find change the remorse of being human,, like “no Exit”. So confirmed me must change and never knowing really how. Short of living our dreams,,
And you may not see this in me,, but i am trying to do just that.. This computer is a hand me down,, but the goal was a new computer,, i guess when you wish you have to be very specific, for i still believe in the Mystic, and the help of faith and correctness, of self to intuition and love. Even though i know the forces which would disevolve me,, for once i learned to create mental adventures, i used the power to fantrasize, and have always done so. (For which i know is the way the subconsious has ruled . Keeping me safe from the fears one intimacy. For i have dreamed lovers, instead of being hurt by my giving. ) and here i sit, knowing all this and yet, what good does it do, like i know the president of the united states is my enemy. He wouldn’t like me , and neither i him, but yet it makes no difference, we are both restricted by the power of human law to be our subconscious equals. And no more. Not to say change can not occur but one has to face and change ,, not just let change occur with the normalacy of other changes. I must direct myself, to face the future by living closer to the present.. I have turned thirty nine.
I started to think about the Enertial Call Idea. Through a sub idea which fits into inter-net concept of the media and societial concept. You see the Enertialcall was once a Magazine I Published. We did seven issues in five years.. The sixty four page magazine was filled with Art. Visual and Literary art. But the written Art was the edge or the symbolism of writing. And I wrote a lot of it, with contributions from Friends, even one who helped me make the magazine on the computer. But the idea was first a creation of love between me and my then girlfriend, anna Wareham, who i loved and feared would leave me if i did not try and do something with my writing. For i have never been success orientated. Ambition and art i never thought mixed so it wasn’t my goal. I have always just wanted to create and create better, so i made a life style not a career. Art , for me is something one can not just forget and move away from.
So the magazine was made, but without organization and without a profit. So the years have passed. And i have thought of the idea from a lot of angles since. I have thought about the power responciblity and creative possiblities of making a magazine.
Art is a balance of discipline, moral reasonings, and metaphysical faith.
So the idea changed with the times. I started to think that a paper magazine doesn’t fullfill the future. So years ago i started to think about a cd rom magazine, with features of Computer animation artists, and video artists. With creative ways to incorporate writing. Like streaming words which people can speed up or slow down to meet their reading speed.
It is a day later. The idea for the enertialcall never leaves but getting a full amount of time to write it out is the problem. Or more the problem is that i can never stop long enough to tell it. I like to talk about the day , i come up with different ideas from the day. Different topics , more immediate topics, the day is always yeilding. Something.
So i have been trying to think of a story line for a book. A first novel. Tonight i thought about more actions to a story i started before for the magazine. It was about a homeless man , a transient who choise to be so. To escape civilization. It would revolve around my major conflict that civilization is driving us away from a haromonious human nature which capitiolism denies and yet revolves around. Captiolist need peacebut yet need conflict inorder to sell the products which create conflict and class seperation.
But it is most important in the ways we think. The meaning of consciousness could be the only way the world will discover peace and every society must realize the importance of the ways we think. And react in this materialism must become secondary. But politics conforms enviroment so we must find a way to introduce consciousness into education and intellectual thought, IE literture. Am i making any sence here, i wonder. Yes i am but it is scattered. And it is late.
Tomorrow is another day. .
The debate the first debate between bush and Kerry is over,, and the words from that hour and a half, I here type.
I Might be dieing
age crepts, but my faults
have come to grap.
But yet to feel the truth.
Lets me .
Feel the inspiration
and the faith.
So the yers have moved me
to reach beyond the statistics of my birth
and upbringing , as that has been
torn and disrupted,
but yet i must have courage and faith.
I am feeling the change of time..
Finally We are seeing what could happen if America is lead by the rich fasists of the Corporate republican imorral minorty of the powerfull corporate interests .
We now have proof.
But welcome the new age.. Where we come to define America’s resolve as a World orientated Government. And yet , if bush wins, We will see the real plan behind Mr. Bush with regard to Cororate buisness! If he stays , we will finally learn the Big picture in regard to Personal Freedom. We will see the final plan of Republicn Leadership for education and social welfare.
When schools are hard pressed to stay open and funtional, becasue of budget cuts decause of a definsite, which makes state cut budgets , which makes a city cut budgets, We will finally find out that the world with irrated Muslems first, but many others to follow, rises to dispute the image of our present leadership. Bush and fastist money orietate republicans are not america. Amercia is jazz.. And mutually supportive and freely creative and createing the scope of the future not the overlord image we are threatened with because of the terroristic government of a electorial fruad.
We will see the proof in the rise in crime because education is failing to train change people for the better .
So What’s up? Who cares We will eventually learn the truth and deal with it!
Welcome to the world ..
Topic – Bush and Kerry
Meaning – No matter who wins, we will Win.. “We” is you and I, standing on one Earth. We as Americans, We as the defintion of peacefully mixed cultures religions and races. “We” is a mixture of every country.
We is a straight unified voice for “we” Americans are the world. “We are not in question of being a world population. We don’t walk very far to notice the difference and commonalities of Multible-cultures, races and religions, who all live in a maintained peace
a clam land only caused to violence from the corporat efastist pulling away from the concerns of the poor . Restricting our evolution and We are Poor. ( 99% has only 57% of the “American Wealth” with 1% with 43%) But we have 99% who can agree!
We need Domestic Change!
We need to remember how we looked aside with the 911 attack, looked away from the WTO. Forgot we were fighting the government just before with one of the larges riots since the sixties in Seattle.
And i will not even go into the Election Fraud in Florida, with the attack on new york seeming to be a personal attack on bush and the agenda he represents. I blame 911 on republican politics. And thats whats up
I feel like i am dieing so i have the heart to state what my last words would want to say before,, maybe i am a coward because of it maybe i have wasted my life with distance and escape but for the last moments written here, and heard everywhere.
So it is another night.. The day spent after another night , but one i spent drinking. It is October second.
I stood with the real drunks i once knew daily. I talked and felt love or romance looking into anothers eyes. The same lonely love i have felt many times. A sheering emotion streaching my humanity to exclude myself . Reaching into a storm, watching another walk away forgetting me , and i ,really, them. But the moment was enough laughing at myself while i turn into the face of a previousness which haunts me when i with the drink. I watch while love becomes a escape. And i fall over and over again wondering who will love me. As i fall over any set of friendly eyes which don’t turn away while most do not even see me. While i have no concept really of anyone else but myself. And it is a space child with nothing else to do but look for that one who would change my lonelyness into family and hope, but i am wrong to think that way,, even though most of the world would know one side of that longing. The long to love. But another side of this pentagram are the loveless who could understand what lacking is the soul without love.. Some are the criminals locked behind bars, some are the abused from long longly childhoods fighting off fears of freedoms, for choice is panic. Some are the abusers of drugs, and alcohol. Who’s lives have become the lonely affairs with insanity. Cold and coarsing through despondent emotions. These fantasizers who avoid what they can not be close to; themselves and stare with romantics at any possibility of being really alive. If only for a moment and if only with sheer pretending. So that was the night, spending as much money as i would going home and to sleep with little to recall. Except the stupidity of my position, as i gave my number to a women that hated me.. And i could see as hating me still, while yet her glasses reminded me of another , but with reality that other i should hate, but no that when the other loved me i loved her and when she passed by i was left alone again, and loveing her still. So i felt her, and gave away the phone number each would have and never use, but what ..
So i awaoke with a natural alarm clock waking me in time for work never remembering i slept with my clothing on and went to work again in them, only to suffer the day with a sickness and an ill feeling. Of the starved, like always after i drink. I wish i could really fall in love with someone who i can share my life with and would accept me for being kenny.
So here we are another day.
What was today.. Another in the line of scrapping a house. The middle back hurting. The mornings are getting cold and i am trying to have faith about where i will go for the winter.. I have saved nine hundred dollars. But it will mean very little without more work and without focus. I have the money for the new computer,, and next is to get it,, but after that is to make the web site to go with the magaizine and the ultimate society idea.
Even today at a break i started to outline the idea to the painting crew the idea of world consciousness the meaning of peace being the accepted unity of a world cultural movement. This is the motive of the Enertialcall Society when and if i can get it going before my death.. And yes i have been thinking about death,, the mixutrue of lead paint and cigerettes, the trails of crime and the pains of my trainsients. I will have to find a new place soon tolive , and my car is going to be the winter for i am not sure what i am going to do for work.. I know i want to make a movie yet and write another play,, and write more and more.. Plus sculpture.. But i still want so much and feel now i can really do very little. As far as doing things alone.
I want to type from a new journal i started last night.
“ October 2004″
“ these pages are empty as I sit in a house not mine. An address i will leave when they kick me out.
But i haven’t paid rent since May, and the present is only a house sitting, but A driver liscence , a car, the couputer, but now where will i get the money for the next thing. But wait, you should know it all, I wasted my summer the same way i wasted many years, now, I drand alcohol and got caught drinving blind drunkand i am waiting to be told i must go to jail. It sounds silly to be waiting for jail. , but i figure i will pay off my storage for a year. I have that long to wiat. I am on probation untill August 26th So if i get in trouble which i less expect, but for breaking probation which i already have many times. Jail would be an answer to get of winter!
It would eliminate fee’s to the corts! But it would get inthe way of my life! This road i hae been on to change ! But i am trying stay focused . I want yet to play my music more, write a novel and some plays and to sculpt some! But i also would like to figure out what is wrong with me !
Today I was a bastard at work. Trying to rraise a pole for a scafolding. I yelled and cursed at a friend. Adding anohter to the list of “ i know and don’t” but it rampant amony everyone I’ve ever met. For a while they like me, then i get depressed or i just get bored of them. I was never someone to give a shit, when i souldn’t in it for me/ (is that true) no I often cared but people turned away from me. Or i never spoke out about how much i cared, or never told my friends when they were really being stupid. But i never felt it was my place and each I lost that way I’ve never really gotton back. “
that is what i wrote yesterday..
And it is funny, but only a day has passed and i am not thinking about that today,, so what is the conclusion. I have trouble thinking about things two days running.. Yes,, so .. Let try again,, why don’t i have friends.. I am constantly changing my mind,, about things. No thats not it,, i am always trying to write and have always been alone,, it has been almost a code of honor for me,, to be alone i have the strength to live my on way,, for which means i can read when i want ,, i can go to what movies i want to. I can feel the faith and intuition others might not have the endurance to live out what they feel, i can talk to new people wihtout the criticism of my frineds. I am not stuck.. But then i am lonely and only want to streach my thoughts toward the next evolution of myself. That means i have to start to have real frined and only there will i find myself in others… for their must be people who thing of the evolution of personality as the meaning of life,, to understand life.. Maybe i have to go to college. Oh what is the name of this self analize i am going through ,, Kenny land.. He he he..
It is Saturday night , and a clear day was and gone. I have not smoked in eight days, and so i am for the first time in a long time without a system i am sober. I feel alittle different but only as the changes would have made me otherwise with smoke. I watched televsion and went to a meeting of alcohol anoynmous. And sat with another person who has been forced through the defects of the body to quit drinking, not to take away from the sobriety but my change is for a better futurre and a more focused mind. I am doing this for the reality of consciousness.
I have talked before of the abuse. The way the child faced off the violence, was the way the man faced himself in doubt and ill feelings. I guess i have escape and that was life. But escape is the natural beauty of the muse, and escape as in the blessings of creativity and the magic of concentration. But it has replaced love and trust in my life. The mixture of outer and inner. For which i have not been able to balence. But that must change. But the achievements of the outer has not been mine just thought has not been mine and that must change with production. In the future my ideas for projects must not get lost behind the haze of drugs. And the insucurity of a constant attention to my work and artistic habits. I am naturally creative, and maybe that was a responce to the inner life i created to respnd to the abuse, i will take it and run for that is me now. And forever..
I have immediate problems and future goals i have been dreaming for many years. But through all this i must find the most important discoveries for me which is the complex resolution of my self analysis. And for that i am very scared.
the last few days i have been off work. The days have been filled with television. And as i could comment on the air waves being shown to our children, for i mostly watched cartoons. I would to comment more on the chemicals i have not used for a week. I have not smoked weed. And unlike quitting alcohol i am not really feeling any different and i am feeling quite out of it. I have not much to think about and less inspiration to think about anything. I have been dreaming though. About weed and about jail. Although last night i dreamed about a large underground world. I am not thinking about much of anything, I have taken care of the problems transfering writing from one computer or another. I have lost a lot of writing over the years. But i am not thinking i lost any great work but it could be.
I thought i could get a handle on my life better with the drugs gone, and maybe this is only the beginning. But i only feel the numbness for which i think my brother and mother always feel. So here we go. What is the answer? Am I depressed? Are we all depressed my mother and brother. I haven’t played guitar today. But i did paint, the pictures are childish almost except that each has a womens body. One with here back to the viewer and an illusional set of wings. The other is a mosh of red and purple, and white and like a finger drawing of a very young Pollack, two bodies entwined make the pictures obvious form. I can justify the picture by saying the creation of love is an art out of nothing, we dream we know but the facts are from nothing comes the hold of what life is. Not the other was around. When you look at first you can not see the form and i like that , it is to show an abstract can have an asatictic wholeness without material representation. Such as the misleading of symbols, but then you look and see a form of two people making love.
October 14th, 2004
As I listen to the news. I type from a journal..
“One month away from America picking a new President, while the one in office has made a more fascist America with the Iraq War, radical republicanism and all while still in Afganistan. While creating a five trillion dollar deficte. After giving the one percent a very large tax break and i worry about not having any frinds. I guess that is the large and small of it. Of life. I want to figure out how to have better relationships, while my country seeks an idenity with it’s president.
It’s very confusing, Even if my choise wins does that mean anything to me. Personally . Maybe my world will feel a little different to have the top power to be somone I regard as trust worthy. Have I been trust worth to my friends? Even if power is missused a lot in life, Have i missed used my power? Is that why I have no one! I often have backed away from conflict, seen from the outside as i closed up and again tried to think of myself. I can not say what i have done wrong! But I know I’ve tried to be true to my love and continue to be true ,. But for that i walk endlessly.
When do you accept life, live your intelligence and follow your path? I guess when you take the balence as a whole I have not suffer other’s enough. So I do not have many friends. I do not let the wicked into my life truning a blind eye to their inhumanity, greed or lazyness. In short i don’t use people, but yet I often have for weed , mostly , it is day four without smoke, I feel the urge only because i feel bad from the day. I feel loney but also feel lifeless.
Oct 4th, 2004
I read from my journal on the subway. I liked it. Filled with sensitive insite and decoritive elements o the day and longing. But yet now it is waiting for my class to start at five thirty and I sit at a coffee house off boston’s downtown. People , of course pass. More than world in a whole day in northampton, mass It is exciting comparibly.
No one knows me, and i am peacefully enjoying my pen. If not the sitting posture. It has been another day, on my feet scrapping a very old paint job off a roof. I am smoking cigarette calmly. Waiting for a certain look which I will then draw. But even as i do. I can not help but notice. The street faces, looks on people, , bot on for defense of city life, charging dramatically, when they meet a loved one. Or answer their cell phones. But it is getting cold and I must put on my leather jacket to stay in the comfort. I like the difference in street faces, when they look at people , never right at them, but to the side. Or just beyond , but at them all the same.
Street faces are interesting, Most represent what the experience or knowledge. Some are really defensive and you would want to meet them, and so the face works limits to who would disturb them. Most seem to have a protective but searching look, or determined dragging look, People rarely smile alone, Men with more challenging looks. Women with “I’ve seen it all” roaming eyes. These types’s look longer as milli-seconds are measured. There are the frightened bird looks, or the arrogant down the nose staring, there are even the “I got nothing” looks. But if I was to count I haven’t seen one person walking alone with a smile on their lips, and few with a smile in the eyes.
Some looks are just “ bored “ dragging from one place to another, but no matter what look, if eyes are met, even in the minor milli-second, people blind. Or being that I am a man , If the women i am seeing is a pretty young women, there comes the “I am not looking at you” Look.
I like the pretty women with the “I don’t have time to stop” which breaks off with a self determined air. Womenkind turns from a curiosity they inspire for a man sometimes.
So it is five and almost on the instant the church bells ringing people seem to flow heavier, moved into free thoughts , away from mechanism with a last push to go home , or maybe like i to school. But it is so fun , to see one smile , you must smile with them, knowing the ease of celebration, comes simply. “
Oct 12th, 2004
“I have only a couple of minutes. But i sit on BoylstonSt. No. Tremont in the middle of october.before a class and i think about what i like about the city. I like , the millions of people, it is a rush, like television. Or more to say, like advertistion, Each a look, where i have commented before about each a tenderness, a changling to what they really are. But the looks are fun, It humers me to remember what I like about the city though at times, the noise and the people like televsion bother me. But in the streets I never really feel alone, and I like the speed, the changing, the offers of a million loves in a second, three more minutes and I have to go. But and my chances of meeting beeter intellgence , of taking a long trip, My movemnets seem infinite, if to only say helloand be present with anyone like my country stays in my soul! I must go….”
Yes those where the pages from my newest journal. While the radio speaks of presidential debates and Iraq. A bombing in the Green zone, A section of Bagdad with walls and multiple check points. A story of a killed American solider who’s mother cries. Saying she doesn’t know why we are there. While the stock market goes down. And a new recording of shopenhauser and depressing poetry sung in german.
It is later in the world. I was with a women. She scares me for her insanity for which is normal, the stress of society. But she wanted me and without having anything to talk about expect problems , her’s for i felt stupid talking to her because she is caught in the “i know and your right” motherly fathomlessness of crazy women. The one that would buy you crack instead of telling you to get your own. And then yell about how much she’s done for you. So she comes in and i did miss her until she started to lay all over me the second she got in. And then we started having sex. And finished I came quick and was depressed afterward because i don’t like her, for her craziness. Because she is old and we can not talk about anything. I feel like i cheapen myself, then i feel sleazy.
So then she asks what is wrongand all i can think is how much we are not in love and i feel like shit for even letting her in. So then all i can say is i hate the way she complains all the time. Even while i am thinking she is kind of gross in that she is old even though she is only a year older than me , but combined with drinking her skin is flabby and her lips are weak. And it is all a replacement for her. She loves me for the music and art. Even so much she bought me some brushes. I guess it is human nature to need but i am so lonely without a women. There have been enough to know what a real lover is , and i can not go back to letting someone in who is just looking for a fantasy of me. And someone i can not talk to. Personal choice is not something i have been really able to feel. It was the past, I am changing. But i have to start instead of having these moments.
This Sunday, I have lived the day. I have worked, and the day is done. Since coming home i have thought about sex, food, and alittle cleaning. I am becomeing sterotypic, and i am afraind there is little i can do about it. I have smoked cigerettes, but i want to paint and i can not get myself away from the televsion which plays while i type. Again.
I look for the women , i look for visions to use in my masturbation. While I have body lice. Which in the last few days have become worst than just last week. The small bites are constant again while i am not occupied. I at least notice then. So here i sit without any drugs in my system. I am sober.. And i am bored, or not really , i am different. Alittle. I want just to have a wormn , forgetting all the other interests, or at least that is how i presently feel. I want to go out and look at women i want to touch and love again. But with that love must much come sanity, and loyality. Must come commonness between me and my love, and must some the ultimate sex through equality and freedom. She must be incredible attractive and ultimately intoxicated to start a life that with have children and hope for the future iwth the hope we make between ourselves and change.
I have to get my new computer. I will work on finding the women of my dreams on the internet. I will join a personal site. It is common technology. And common sense for me to want to meet a women on the internet, but that revolves around a women being truthful.
Now to want the rest of my life. The enertialcall must rise from the ashes for humanity. We can be saved from the prejudices of cultures and opinions by accepting what is. There is a spiritual excistance. And for a future we must look toward an explaination. Of the human connection with non physical excistance. We must not be afraid of what we do not know, except to know that we already know. We live these connections, we love, and that is a power. We coiuld control the world by just agreeing . And that would be no more that having peace through acceptance. To announce to the world “simplity makes the future”.
I have not written most of the week. I have been mostly alone and sober. And tired and reading David Copperfield. It is amazing the life Dickens wrote about. A life, if not like mine, close enough to look at mine. Fatherless and used as a child. Though the torments of ten years old were still in the stepfathers claws, and when i went into the work force i was still supported by my mother. It could have been worse. And is still for many children in the world. But it is a must read for me. And so i am to finish the fivehundred and so pages before i come back to words maybe..
I have to leave the Residence i am in , and like all the partings of home and security i am distraught and distracted. Buttotady i cleaned the car, and tomorrow i will go to work and then get things packed , for i am doing laundry while i write. It is funny that i am thinking about what to write. But more i am thinking about the soberity i am living, the telling of time and agony. Of seperation, and addiction. What am i without those fenses. Even asi was confident with them. What confidence humanity excists in while the truth of civilization is the action of ignorance of future truth. Once the world was round and then it is not. The limitedness of humanities thoughts have retarded us. And yet knowing this we have to go on. But i feel so crazy now. I don’t know what to do. I feel hopeless and unartistic and stupid and lost. I have to find a place to live but i don’t know where to go. I have no choise but to go to my car. In the winter, and i am, still, infested by body lice. I am watching televesion to look at life, for whcih i feel so far from and afraid of really. I am so lost and hopeless. Just like i did when i was young. I just want to smoke , and ever one i call is just another way of getting stoned. I spent so many years getting stoned, infact when i first did i felt it was the right thing to do. I was not violent. I had ideas, i could think. Even now i know feeling, i can not seem to think. I can not get my self around a project or a goal. But i thought or think i am trying this to find out what is really wrong with me,
October twenty fiveth or so.
So here we are the world is inside my head as the world is without drugs , and with the one who controls my self , me.. It is interesting to say i am in control. It is funny to think because we know the world is incontrol. I still have to work and yet i don’t mind that much, I look forward to haveing things, and know my dreams are my things, my drrrreams like these words, but the future is a reality show. I have painted some this weekend, two pictures. One called Green Tara, with a women looking left with all kinds of seeming vines coming out here haed and back. And the other is a mixture of red and organge in a colage with suggests two flowers comming out of a heart. I am trying to find a balence between thrown paint and suggestive form. The idea is to have the point of the attraction to a meaninglessness, while presenting a theme which asks the audience to find their artist inside. Which is the point to live the alturntive. It is funny. I am watching a reality show. Which is a show which spends money not on actors or writers, but real people having their lives changed. With big money , in surgury, or new houses these people all are being changed by money. Money none of us really have. It is again the worship of the beauty and riches of the unavailable. It is humorous to think i am going through my own changings. To be an addict, i was in repressed doubt. But i feel the confidence moving into my blood, while i also feel the depression but in a lighter form. So the change is taking the steps. I still want to folow through with the rest of the developments ,
But here we sit the facts of life is that most are not able to see what could change them. And the world is forced to stay the same while enviroment is changing and civilizzation demands change. We must represent the world we want. And it is an inner change to become the peace of the future, and so yet i wish the world would understand the evils apon them, with the facts of the chemicals, the facts of the education. Both have only to celebrate poverty. And stare into the life we need to feel to live ourselves.
I have not touch my guitar much. But i know the next step. But what is next i have to move thrusday. . and i still don’t have enough money to ease up. I have to keep working to get the saving enough to buy the computer. And learn the things i need to learn.
So what is another day. I have rested from the termoil, passing over any direct comment. But yet here we are. I read a mail out to “present Resident” there would be an attack by alkida. Spelled wrong.
I read there was to be an election, after a world series, right after hollween and i will thanks giveing in pa, maybe.
Maybe it is this all, of holidays which makes seek, again , shelter, this casting back to the finite and hiprocracy, Because i have learn how interesting it all is .. Live, and giving and recieving on such an iddediatcy of life. Frogiving and hurting , but only ever to save yourself. I live in a room , distupting crininal punishment and how saver.. As in i have come into a room for three month maybe, for i have to give it a test run. But here we are.. In Jamacia Plains . Living where i wanted to alittle. In the hill over looking the symbolic of structures. Flowing with human nature and chance encounters, sometimes,,
al wyas i have wanted to just say hello to what ever women I really want.but no feel “ less than becuase of the civil “responciblities” of thought and equality of peace and time.
It is two in the moring and i have to work at six. Bye..
So much more to say.. Later.
This test of time ,
where stand is the amount
you get with luxury
With looking out a window
to watch nature pass
and as i stretch my working , and desires, as we stretch , our civility to get it right. Oh, then to only see deeper what i should deny, and peaceful, free and unencumbered.
But no i sit at small hours and prastice this ever practice. The sqquirrel bones of freedom, S what can i live, but the frugality of character. The doubted questions, where answers lye not in pressed feet, and yet no speirt can not. So walk and be,
Dreams and spirits, and ghosts, and aliens, so much to feel and gererate in responce.
That alone we feel odd. What mean you to tell of non time. You who are so detined to forget,, you addicted soul lieing to evern its, sences, , Oh cur and lost dog. , aking with feet at eighteen, Like you should be.. Directing your life, like a man.. Simple excistance, and wealth of living, but a dream you thought, a dream where you wake to find desertion
I hear a vision , asking to create and what down the beginning mean but creation, where i write words for a video. A Film,, a visual perfromance peice, but the actor is only a reader, telling in a straight voice, the crimes of the present as he seas them, and reaction..
The reastion of the silent and waiting ,, and the day shall be at peace with future. No more to encroach on the people trails of government, when the ….
The meaning of this mommment after working physical labors, I stand to work again. With only thoughts. And the like.. Where emotions come to lead and mercy the care given spot..
Yet heart the lonely, and mind the nature, mind the given and lent, the incredible changing machine to view and reveiw,, ,, yes it is the minnd for which many horrors are formed and then asked to erase, when horror is past tense, and the nature of now is a-livin. So what ,, so i am seeing like the addict does with hightened deadening.. To reap from the sown I must in naute have, for the waste of the life worth living is living. The dead sickly venture of abnormality and tramatic cause. Do i stand in the nature known to you, oh ever silent wave.
So Lacally , i have trouble haveing seen it. Like a ghost which rides my back with something to say ,
my drive and deseperite.sillyness.
For maybe , i found a light unusaual.. Escape was as easy as being, and i could not see anything but that When i first left to the world. It was all niw and i expected the wood work to yell at me, and sometimes did, the induendos, silent scene observation, the tint of light of a dirt window, the empty stree and a sudden shadow movement un bodied. I thought i was alive, the echoeing of magic in a youth skull., I thought i was feeling, but the thought somewhere became stronger than feelings. Or the depth of the feeling echoed off wasx envroment dictated for the younger me,, a me that fofund peace with silence and hope in feeling, free.
So in that hope of achievement, i ventured into a world of no choices, and all voiced interest seem insane for the path at my head, living my feet hoping my heart. I enstrangeeed and dove in relations which were not normanzied. Interest we talked and forgotten. I was never in love with the person i was, or the one in front of me, I loved the image and voic of the hopes and enjoyed a fantasy because i had never felt enough to live mutual equality, My love became the surroundedness, you are there but i am not .. I am trying and there is no enlightenment in trying.. When so natural a concept.
I have asked you to come to my bed side, I have asked without a reason, i may not die in the next ten years but i might all the same, in this regret is also drive, the cristal clear image of having the right to live, for life is shorter than the frost it grows over.
So those things being said, and i am stealling lines like there is an invention to it. When i am just running around a topic, the voice of myown, telling me i am an addict but this time i really feel it, and it is the soberity for which has given me, emitions and balenced reasoning, and even some sore regret.. But i am still having a hard time. I am longing to get high , i dream it, and i know the sprit is far from it, drugs have opened a door i would have never seen maybe, becasue i would have been living my hope,, but wait that is what i did..
I think i would like to write things larger,
addictions are killing what could be my life, for the numbed and tired equality of class. You can watch me squirm out of incredible sistuations , inner ly with the care of a doctor, craving out the endless “Responces” and re clairifcation, the itemization of character, the seperation of will and knowledge. For there to run away can never live, the eqaulity of a free sober delight. Though i have found myself going a bit crazy over sporting events.
The excitement of a world seris champion in boston, and i was routing. And felt like i was there, helping the ball glide higher, the batter could hear me say swing batter. From a seat in a american diner where it takes forty minutes to enjoy a meal and that’s before you touch it..
It is to say i am falling behind in seeing again, herre now. My sight is clouded by my fears maybe, soemtimes i thnk it is the waking of man to his form, which scares me most, this thing i would to get rid of but for the fear of being without it, to lean where the road get boring, from lack of partispation. The world always outside, and i want the interior to create vacations.
I guess that would be a reason for writing.. So there where we read, (in the quite and spiritual) we are algiven like no where else. Transported from what is real to what is real , from place and ablitiy to uderstanding, or just here.. Where there is the following of here.. For the sake of the same,, a moment.
It has been a good week since i have written. A good week is a figure of speech for the has been normal for the worker type i have again assumed. And if i don’t look for ways out i will be forever. I told of taking a room, and iver mentioned the quitting of smoke , yes to the one and the other seems to be in the way again. I long to quit like i long to stop working both seem about as hard. It is one of the hardest things to do , to quit something it took years to aquire. This addiction is tantalizing. But i lose hours i can not afford when i do it i hope to be what i want yet, at the descending age.
The battery is half full. I am stoned and my life of responciblibity and incoherant civility attack at al kinds of angles.
Hands make from troubles long established from smoking.. Small clogged nerve endings. And , sight cloves of animal skin, long over dried.
Motives. Like answering god’s calling . And nature so apart and instant. And i watch television, the world seris, and elections and it is the holiday, next after holloween we have an election, and then give thanks – giving. Our reward for another year without rebellion. The best way to get the house to yourself. Is to have a party..
then give it all away , in decorated little packetages. With red for the blood and green for the half assed peace of nature. Or should I say the Red for blood and the green for photo generational cell. The plant blood. Things i only remember to say with occasions. Talents i forget for the normalcy of thought under the influence, but once the zone is clear, the avenues (dis) un covered, you are human and concept. Feels, which have been made to be seperated from actionare more upon nature for being nature and leading in peace and mental health normalacy.
In other words, i feel like i leaving the complecations of being.
And is there some wrong in not wanting to be , the child of this , or the cultural fact of that,, the addiction to. The use of , the left out few, like irony is a more peacefull truth. That which is the word is never said,,
i hear somewherre,, i can only feel it is felt
so there is where to i step. This innocense of understanding, flying ,like the death to face is yet just a concept of the life we lead. And there to find again a moment out to many for knowing and when. it isnt the knowledge for which kills,
but the responce at the end of t he fall.
And yet why to know at all.
At the same time i sit , i watch a movie.
The entrance to this maze is what an age would mean.. If visual confusion could be equalled in paint. Mental follow through is a now, which is heavier than any past.. So what do we say. We are walking the quick lightening sinaps. Transfering emotions to dictation. So here is the wisdom. Wherre are my faulure cast about like dice.
For i am human and human is the innocense proposed by god.
The now energy symbol. Literal and linear.
But to ask sence , is to scream into the past until future takes precedent. But then even that can not be whole. Until the past and future meet in a now. For the eternal sense never leaves. Such that past and future are only keys of sight to what is now.
So , if each plot and story could be intersperced into televised visuals, appearing colaged, blurry, if we are let without emotions to direct, the joy of being.
Which anything that can remove , this joy, is seen eventually.
A tree leaves
You asked me a question. When before reaching for the computer for which you are so devoted, and curse by. So eroaded itinto the manufestation of point and comment, but yet so long from the comment are you, eqaulling sides, to listen and foce full dialougures, inspired by remorse,
you who so kindly unequals himself to become with humanity, and off feelings, while he wants to see feelings, and when not stoned do. But here the commotion of illusions, the depressives maufest and indocrination of excess, of the passion of escape. Let call what you will. I am here.. And the tlae yet goes, on.. The story of the one, the illusion of control, the respect of not being, the escape of love,, .. ‘ herre the illusion is a mental conditioning, to realize how large the now can be , in lonely walks and idle trendings,
here where i am not bound to the hammer, or the corn for whcih it raises, here i whave come nothing and like it as long as no won comes home, and here is the peaced remarked apon by gods greater , the poe, the harwtrone, the hope that words had some reason. To devulge the lesssons of thought, of human utility, of relization. In side small comments, and over all tone.
Here where change makes the removal of stagnace and Morals.
You come, oh past ones, at me with a knife,
but i come with a gun,,
you have taught me to shoot
and given me lessons
on the reverse.
Little humility lesson
like you go nothing
and deal with it.
Laugh gold rings invisible
so the gun is poverty is the only purity.. Except wait..
What am i talking about.. The flow of emotins make unheard. And is unheard as i wite this , a loss of memory , a telling of stories, no , for the create of such would resolve around what you already know. And strerero types which create a farse, when the depth of people is so much more, the depth,,
and there in idle words and caustic tales of living,, the one only who could write the only only,, for the uglyness of my most pleasuable momment could only be mine,, the analisis complete and unadorn for literture is my martyered god..
This remainder of bones in script, and blood of line.
To emasculate or defeat..
I love the way a misspelling proposes .. For i have thought on words
and reproduced another,, for the winner knows to effect is a unknown for humanity takes and leaves.. So there is no reality to me, my working hands fighting with my follow through of a dream.. Known in the self defeat of a blue collar micro chip.
As once again the look of the wording.. Blue chip.. A tested intellect. The self defeat and the knowledge of it..
Oh i wonder what awaking can yet see light,,
My hands untired and type through movies..
But working i can do.
I make a painting today.. Ti is a women looking up , like up is a thing, her arm is raised, the other reaching down behind her.
The first you can not see as only the breast protray the movement, the edge of the canvas removes the rest of the arm. Most of the body is abstract lines of the four colors used when i was trying to make a plant scene.
I called it “ the connection” for the muse litter the final ness , the acceptance is the suggestion but not the picture all will see as they each look for something different.
But that is not what i was going to write, and i wonder how far i wil go ,, the changes are intellectually there , the changes of mentaol creation,, the drugs make me feell paranoid all the time, thinking people are paying attention to me,, when i am out in the stone of it.. All is fantasy and i wonder who knows, i ask a lot of questions and generally do not interact with life,, aroud me,, and in my heard i am thinking about the interaction, lke when i am stoneed at work and i thing about the plots going on around me, being insuecure when i know inside i do not have to worry and yet , let my thoughts go instead of .. The freedom, i am without all the vices.
so here is again. Another day without phyiscal work. Watching a movie. So what is the verdtic. Must i judge, am I capible, she lost her short time ,memory. And the family is not a different. ‘
I have lost the movie. And i have been watching,, as she is blond girl.
Nad yet as the pasting is of time, I wonder on health and relations, such would be not a greateness to be lost , for what comes wihtout calling is therre , what has come up through the genertrtive forrest relates intimately with Sciense, even with knowlsege which is leading.. There is feelings to make a man into himsself only wise, and yet wisdom, comes around form innerter, for it is how you live, . Walls are slavery..
so again it is left to the day , here maybe picking up all the peices. Only to throw them down again in some understandable arrangment. My apins of body asking question of whys and the innocents of sight grindes me into explotive tendances easily understood, and as i live them feel small.
Of smallness is a major reason for not feel. I would to say that feeling is more than just emotions as the roll takes on may movements after. And so the self is the exporue and knowledge we know, the wisom maybe is regarding how far aways from a point that we life.
And making that so i am to look where i am stumbling , and how to stublle is life, and yet, knowing you are stumbling an interestin tide of slow moving change that the final days feel like the first descion. I have been stumbling again, and i will to want ot shake off the symbloic words for the truth.. Staring into my bank account while thanksgiving finds me trembling before a live feed with an internet call girl. Telling her how i would make love.
In strange fortunes, i loved,, and then remembered time was costing. So i cam and it was over.. I have stryed into the cost of a singular anger. And vengence agaisn me,, fro you i can not get to. Except with wrods which willnot be read to the addresser,, only that there was the threat. Of exposure,,
I want his time to be understood to myself, maybe, i have often said i had only to write something down and i would remember it. Well here i am to again try what we can never do well enough ,, see myself.
I am a loner. Not by natureal chiose. But sistuation.. I have always wanted to be in the group but to know me once was only to hear about the non physical and all it’s containd leading up to me saying god is energy. Energy is natural. But our observace has only been in religion and laugher took all other ways of communication and expression. Funny yet that Civilization is fighting Civility and moral object.
I bring up my computer and sitt talking to the phone line , i hear the voices saying you must lean about yourself, and yet the dramatic is the escape and i am emoitns wihtou involvment.
It would be for me only to tell of myself. How many games a mind plays in understanding self evolution,, here it is presented as exposure.. A sciense look at a life. I would sy from soberiety i can know how each episode felt.. I hold on to a non physical medation as a proof of god, and i accept the movements of myself. Sometimes when it lums under intuitions guidings.
Intuition is the road i call when you would just say it made you happy, a man one time said do be to much yourself on the page,, like there was a difference our self getting through no matter the writers intentions, and getting personal and exploritor , guides the change into channels , let to be ,, known. After years of creating run offs. Letting go has be given answer in being a part of.
And why exposure of even the simplist innocents of voice. Could matter , our mosaic is only furthered by the singluar image nature.
So we excist.. Here i have never started.. Here , letting go ,, here knowing i have to quit something i have been useing to stay in dream land.. Further and further into a built up conspriacy against myself. With hook from angles of fantasy, and self engrandicement, while the weather was against a warm jacket. And one set of foot prints were to be taken from the wet cityness off te blue road. Alone is like god, walking to the ends of the earth just for the one thought along the way that might make sense, and be useful. Or staring down an idea , with semi-seconds of placement,, here why ,, there ,, reason acceptance,, step acceptance , guilt, acceptance, as i look at a head created from smoking ,, an addiction of mine since high school..
I could and will tell you why.. As if that was the matter,, a full look at faith , and a moment is yet a fleeing to understand the either.. Or a knowledge of and mute,, as if a reason is needed to change the world with the science to change ourselves for the interest of history.
. The hisoty of your life is only as long as the heavens,. the either, is old. The moment is the enlightenment because nature does’t care abouthe past..
dec 5th, 2004
what walking in exposure you have never really seen me tell it like it is . Not really, for what is in a trillion words, more than i can ever write fast enough to keep , up,,
i am thinking through, i am thinking about aduses, i am thinking about my drugs, and the slow steady fall, i have been agian living, this tedium of what was always normalacy before,
funny how a raised head can change element., i being the eleement.
You want know my day.. I masturbated at work, thinking of a women i met who is a video chat host, with a body for whcih dreams are made of in isolation. , she equals a love,
and you are saddened by me, and i am only being natural, only being the place i was draw to . A place of seduction and i want to be seduced.. I want you to want me, and the song say. I am so cast out of family, that i don’t feel really wrong for looking for someone to care, even at four dollars a minute, at least there is no failures. I am only a client. And yet she did seduce me in the way that just listens. I the need, being fullfiled, the need to love . And isolation grows farther into me, while i have been smoking again daily, and even drank last week, the same hopes of love and surrender, the same “I can deal” and the Same ‘ I am not trusting myself” or the me drunk.
Even now it is lat an yet i want to lsmoke the head tripping marijuana. Even though it condense my life not to achievements and goals, but to the moment. The absolute, but it is foul. And i am starting to see, it.. One month ago i was sober for the first time in my life,
Funny how far you can go when you don’t remember you last few minites, a recalling of timeless hints of life only , the distraction. And disarray of conclusion, , this for that,,
i am writing stoned,, and not really for i am coming down again… this time of giving in letting the spirit be tired, and it is a place of my lust and obsession. It is a place of my paranoia, and controling hidden ill consciousness.
I know why now, maybe,, for a door opened, as to why i would go from alcohol to marijuana, to coffee and cigerettes, and all mixtures inbetween, a why ,, there can only be stimulants. I was created to froget for the pain came from every angle, first the suffering of child abuse, as it is called. The horrors of emotions surrounding the child not even knowing why he had done so wrong to make his step father hit him with a two by four. For whcih he couldnever seem to get it right enough to have a normal life..
Why’s are yet the changes between reason and inacting change.. For just because you know you have to make it a part of your life.. Not avoid why it is in your life. But i am starting to see the cycle. I was never really trusting becasue of that,, adding my brother’s pettiness and my mothers avoidance. Anyone holding any love for me, was enough i forgot to care why i loved them. Because i didn’t i ran around all kinds of worlds just looking to be accepted,, i never really though of it that way till right now. It is funny, but i would have paranoid episodes with friends. I would always see the worst, and i felt like hell all the time. But it was an inner tiredness i couldn’t really discribe.
And it took years before i realized my mental state had something to do with my childhood. That when i went to the therapist the first time , i couldn’t talk about my life without crying,, i have seen days away from that life,, and don’t want it back.. The terror when to the pain , when to the control and the inner rebellion i would not be kicked, or force to do anything any more, i would find al the truths false or just faithless. Not that i could say as much,
but i went in for adveture, though then and now, where is then,, you might not be at,, i am thinking in theyears. Of childhood, and the adventrues, werre taking life, and living what i could. They were letting the old men fondle me as long as i could see what i could steal. And yet didn’t take much.. It was like someone wanted me, and yet,, i could only think of how they looked at me, with smiles, and tendarness i had never know from anyone,, except my mother a couple of times…
I guess that is how we alll start letting go.. The naure is rising from its ashes, balencing,,
i didn’t know the word need , then. I , didn’t excist. We are only how we think , and i left the world as a child,, left to avoid the pan, and sometimes i never reallly came back..
Maybe that is it. So close to what an innocent would think of death , so often,, and like all good thought without word , on a 3 month old face.
Because i am convinced i was hit early. And inner escape became replaced with outer “adventure” i didn’t consider myself so i would consider the world and just take anything that keeps up the escape.. For feeling hurt. And pain is the answer to reaction.. Volience is the answer never spoken, so all of life becme violent,, without bloody hands,, but wrecking lives around me,, with uncaring,, i think i have taught a trillion people that the streets can come to your door. Without meaning to ,, it would just wear off me like a noblity i would carry, “looking you directly in the eye” my voice , innerly , sumed you up and gave away only what it wanted..
That is a thought from early twenties to late teens.
I had escaped to the living on the streets in boson. Leaving the one stop light town, for my brothers first ex-wifes house, thinking i was going to stay there,, but there turned out to be far away,, from boston,, and for somereason, i could see anything but Boston.
On the train , with that one way ticket, it was all going to be alright i told myself. Looking at hat sad man in the glass it was dar then, he, had such a look of crying , wringing his face to see the other side of creation to see some light at the end. But i wasn’t miine to see. I could onlly cry and the tears were hidden by dark glasses, and the fact is no one would care. So crind in public can get you arrested. That is one of the reasons for my writing being a certain way,, always tring to avoid the judgement of others. Carfully stating things round about,, as of the laast few yers have no soul to rest on kow what is to be known wihtout times innocents arrogance.
The train pulled in , i took a ride. I slept at that house for four days, on the fifth, i found an ex preast who let me sleep on his floor.
And all the time i was just drinking and smoking and working, partieng till the day awoke its self with sun. and city star lamp when slowly away, and again i would see the reflection of tear reddened vien, untold to anyone.
As then, was so; is. now..
the nature more yet known
And starts anthoer day, slow processing, action asking questions. Answering like a conversation of two halves but not of the same whole.
For satement i want yet to discribe the flow to booston like i want to write this or that,, as i want to put together some mometns to write, and live,, i must get my realistate liscense, i must anwswer the world with subject, waht am i talking about , I am tell of universal personality throgh a transision of reasoning until able to feel.
So intranced am i ,, and addicted,, and i am only starting to see it, like the harboriing of an ill ness, i am still in the crawl space whaich could be a reality for me, i t is agian drugs and jail., on
dec, 5 or so.. The life is lived and left,, tonight i talked to crystal. She is a girl in bulgaria. I spent sixty or more dollars to talk to her,, guess some would call me stupid,, but from that sixty dollars i found a life of telling. It is good to have someone to talk to she is a young girl and i guess learning life from the pretending that a cam date means. I just want to love , and i can not be so appezed by the lack luster of most women. I only like the most sexually active, and sexually attractive. I am goin to go to bed now , tomorrow i will write for a while also.. Later
It is six or seven in the morning , a time i love the cearing sky from the darkness , sppilling throughthe world to reveal the colors and art of the world as it is. Coffee and cigerettes, and the day. The televsion plays a movie, on cable. Ech commerical tell of the progress of americn fnatasy, and i think of a women in bulgaria, and my addictions. I have always believed in the exposure of mankind. The exposurre of my inner thoughts to resolve the conflicts of mans peace caused by his evils. I am to think of my life as an experiment in change and reason. So we come to this point. I am here at thirtynine. I am here after spending much of my life hidding in drugs, for the facts come that since i was abused growing i learned not to talk and it is hard to have a life when you can’t talk. But it is funny becasue i always though peace could be only a matter of communcation. “If all men would focus on the world we want accknowledgeing the world we are in” the definitions of each are the matters.. So yet as all of humanity is the polar opposite of the individual’s peace it is the same question can i communicate to myself for peace. But i can only tell you so much at a time. The images of lifekeep flashing as far as importance to the thoughts i would right now focus on sexual need that have made me. Because i am thinking of Crystal, which might not even be her name but I spent sixty dollar on her last night. We talked i spent the money to get her to speck to me alone. And yet she is worth it, so beautiful and when we talk i feel like i am making love to her. I feel something for someone, becuase even as i love trees and the sun , houses and color, i have no one to love, just a world of hollow images, for no one loves me. And i know i am not alone, because even as we are loved we are loved with limits, if you break the bounds of others morals you are alone.
But yet morals are created around Religions. And the morality of our upbringings often brings us down. Hidden desires and fouled innocents. Greed and materialism confuse us, until some of us accept the Negative statements of humanity, though inside we have the peace of god. The “faith” which has sustain civilization but with religion to guard the “gates of heaven” a power stands between our lives and peace. A culture of hatred hids behind the “moral” so i have eliminated that confession. I have stepped between the wrold of sex. And found i am in love with loving and yet i have not been fully degenerated. But by breaking the facts of cultural learning, i have opened up my mind. Seperated my culture from my knowledge. I didn’t do it on purpose, no explaination came as a reasoning. But i found out about life. For whcih we all face.
Like there are a lot more closet bi-sexual then openly homosexual.. My point is not even sexual but that the secrets of mankind are killing us. And only open exposure and acceptance can save mankind.. This is the duty of anyone in search of truth.. We must accept what man is.. But each individual is a separated into history and knowledge. So most people are trained to think by the school system.. But to really suceed you must overcome what you are,, so religion was create, almost to secure what is “magic”
Oh step along kindly the jungle amissed the turning.
Here tides are knowledge and being amazes the
Oh memory of trees
stumbles of righteous
I would escape my love for timing ,
to give and know again
never have i liked. Or is that wrong, the tortures, of life are our own, hearing water marks . From the following foolishness.
I have been wrong through laxiness, stepping steps to lay responce in anothers golden hands,, Saying you could help me, like the answer was to look for love and trusting.
I notice when i get high.
I hear voices asking questions
of your motives.
Truely feeling in sane
like to hear the essence of self.
And it doubting.
We memorize what makes us
so drug to forget and are forgotten.
Like the ages to environment.
small controlling populus
to the functionary of culture.
In technological mentality.
I hear talking in my head where i am separate from heart . As in the one is not home and split sides are drugged and drugged , a place where , without really feeliing , for the thought s gettto run around and ideas come as qauick as birds like from the being wihtout concern, the physical world ,that pallce i have come to complian about,
Violence acompanied average days, Any work could get the final verdict of a spoon or A two by Four at later ages.
I hear voices when i am stoned, but only as though lead themselves, the absence of human panic. I like Smoke. But..
Some doubt can kill. If we are untold. Be yourself be strong and bold. Remember you do know how you feel. Though prejudice would to get you down , there are only the beings to know anything,
Turning the camera to you..Dear Reader. There with you. The lighting of the tree in tides of brievment as i write this , ti is the beginning of the Crist must season in america.
As i want to not go to work anymore,
and stay at home and write,
get on disiblity again. And quit smoking and drinking. For the love of art.
I feel more fullifilled when i am growing in my doing.
And here we are another word another fact another forgetting?
I watch the wrods spinn by, and feel life gone to the venum of weakness.
I am poor and getting poorer,
i am man wishing for station .and waiting for wealth. A misguided fool for intelligence is not a matter when lies and disreasonableness rules.
I watch a vamprise movie in hollywoods claiming. The sybolisms of the grave digger insiting the mob to kill . , we of poorism economics are not allowed to think on bush and haliburton.
Here i am only to worry about the civilization of being a
But i oly want to smoke and forget.. I want to stare at the breast of women, and foul my heart with the lust i must replace for love has become a unstanding of definition of comforts and not a spiritual connection. I take my truth through fantasy for it is a spiritual binding. I would with the connection try and uderstand you . And all. Through that connection as my form of loveing..
And i have no thought to these matter i am to prepose, i am blindly writing trying to understand what is natural about communication. Maybe , or i am just filling my time on earth like most , i have a endeavor. And i endeavor.
I write like other take drugs,, oh yes i smoke weed and write.. Or i should say type, what do you do. I type a lot. “just for the sence of typing” yes,,
it is just to do it, like the excerside is the figuring of joints. And muscles. The many points i consider are disjointed and for that matter i feel , the resprestation of spiritual intoxication. And it is fear.
My fear to say anything , that lurks in my frightful heart. Absent of me, with me in a corner of the mind, a sloppy corner with ticks from dropping frigded water, cold tears, i guess,
Oh and not alone, excetp it is only one to split into such deformities of one. Acking against what a reality can do. And what worse the misunderstanding of reality can do. Splitting into a defensive possition. And a rebellion of abuse. The victum feels the victum. There seems to be law that goes with it.. One is never change. For Change is giving in.
Victums are insane. Sanity becomes a civil Issue, and Reason asks for value. While back sliding in order not to force Reality into reason. Reason is vicutum. And the circle widens.
and here i sit with the day at my disposal watching a moive.
Watching what is movies in the 2001century, what is the beginning of entertainment. For wherre we will go on, to tell of common conscious and ablitiy to change? Or waith i am fooling myself and writing to write.
I am sick. I am tired and the body resists boing to construction work. And wants only to sit here, quiet listening to the purifier as i smoe to manycigerettes. And i am smokeing. And trying to find coffee. Though i don’t want to go down to the shop. . and sit here in all my stupidity, waiting for the truth to come to my fingers knowing no one will ever read these words and less does it matter.
So like everyday today is a new one, today I went alcoholics anonomous. And i feel good. I feel supported where once i was alone. But the road is only a reminder of the path i was on before i came to boston. My head was clearer before i started to drink again, and now i am going to add.
So what is today, a path an adventure gone wrong. A call to the obtuse.
I fear i hv
so it is another day..
I have not been writing that much of late, the world moving me into my worker moded mind. Home , clean, wait for Friday, Pay, and then Pay somemore, Happiness , is the first concern , so i have again been drinking and smoking,, I hae to mix the two becasue as i didnt in the past i have found one makes me distant and confused as the other,, leading me to forget why of my life and actions, So here we are,, I have to go to the “fellowship” again..forced by the courts,, and i wil not even talk about that, being forced into a volutary organization. But it is the case,, an if you really think aobut it , it is interesting to find people who don’t do drugs,, look around yoiu who doesn’t drink, who is so sober,, the firs answer always is are your people on the right drugs, and as it ia a maer of life, so the hought of not doing drugs is funny, bu ha is mankind , floundering in ignorance because it is profitable.
I have an hour or so before i have o go o the mmetting as as i have not been writing here i am to do so.. I should go outside but it is cold.
I don really want to write right now, but i have been falling off what gave me life all these years i must seek through the pain and misunderstanding,,
A couple of weeks ago i think i realized i was an addict. I guess you cna look up the description to find out what i mean.. For my own terms it is someone who is in need of drugs.. In need as far as what i have done with my life,, the friends who claim me , offer me drugs often fro free. Until i start to want more than they are out,, but it is the case of being in side an avoidance?I guess from my childhood on i was in avodance of how i felt . I guess i never thought i could be a writer,, and so inorder to wrtite i had to feel uphoric, i had to dream beyond the keyboard, and feel outside of myself.
But to much , to many kyesrs, and i forget myself constantly. Walking inside a body which rarely listens to it’s self. Now once again i am facing jail. I am in a living sistuation that takes me away from my art, and for that i am sad, and my emotins are cast away into the hard hands and a harder depressed attitude accompaning alcohol. Yes i have only drank maybe ten beers in three different sistuation. But it is enough < I have not been a whole day sober from marijuana, in about a month. I took most of November off and yet i did nothing to have any support , I sat at home scared i could go no where do nothing. It is to be forgotten , self frogotten for the inspriation to forget. My goals are large but they always have been. What makes them worse is inaction.. And the desprite sacrifice of life for them even while they ae no getting done..
Sounds funny right,, i work to raise theo money i neer can get. Winter has come and i cna not live in my car, but just might before the end of winer, becasue i may no be able o survive and pay the money i have to incase i go to jail. I will be able to keep everything if. I can pay off my storage in norhtampton. I could send the money to my mother and have her. Pay the bill.
A person i find boring has just enterde he coffee store i am in,, i sit writing ou sdie becasue i like he reminder of being homeless and devoted o my words. And here yet is life passing,, and if they would just pass that would be one things, but
\ I know he eog of being seen writing has always run through the firs saement , the inspriation has many impulses.
Because right after my boring friend,, who has left me with a peice sign and gone,, thank god, was a women who looked dead at me as she came into view, and shyed away when i held the view.
She made me think of the ego. As women are often to ,,
I remember last year when i wroe the paly there was a certain challenge of what a play should be inside, me,, It is funny that even now , i have the same running because i have been researching other places to ener plays,, but there is nothing like taking your concept from start to finish. Casting acting. Making costumes, but making the statemen plain in front of there eeyse the audience. Bt as the really is , My paly was barely understood, and even my own mother didnt understand it.. It is funny i thought it was so plain. Each artical of he play was representational of what i was trying to say,, from the division of character into a male and female consciousness.
It is funny but to make it more revealed,, maybe i should of had them get up from the bed,, i had them standing behind,, maybe if hey would have left the bed at the beinging i coulld have show they were apart of the main. Character. In the play i tryd to show the different fialures life forces us into to misguide our conscious. And yet , even the misunderstandings from little amount of press we recieved. Was slightly tinged with a respect,, i hadnt expected, I hadn’t expected to have the most beautiful cast out of all the other plays,, that was intriguign.. We also but the show together in one month,, i could have done more,,
and there we are to do the next..
And that is what i am trying to focus. On .. What is next. I am glad i came out,, i can think when i am away from the facts of home and housing,, it is so seemingly mediocre and bland to have a house,, i liked the feeling of inprove living in the car.. I liked the calmness of taking care of the car as apossed to the conditions of the apartment i am expected to pay for , for which if it was mine, i would fix up..
At least with my car it is easy to clean it , or fix something that is wrong,, and with only a car,, you have to be inventive. Your comforts are a daily thing. Not like in the huse where your comforts are laying everywhere waiting for you to clean up the vast amount of un used space people can spread themselves out in..
It is funny but in the house i even made sure i had the larger room in order that i woldn’t feel cramped, but now i am more comfortable in my car.
It is funny
as i sit waiting for a fellowship to start. I am also thinking of how to make an office of the back of my car. For i have everything i need in the car without all the excess. Five channels of television are just as mind numbing as two hundred. The space in the car is though limited, was just as comfortable as the house even though i couldn’t have guests.
I was offered a sleeping arrangment with a women, but the sistuation didn’t apeaze me. She was to old, and was a complainer who just made her life worst with the complining, but she got involved with everything around her and did know when to put on a good face.. We were in court,, oh yes she went to court with me,, and through i wasnt looking she involved herself with a women who had two children, she , apparently yelled at the women , I think the judge saw her. And i was given five aa’s a week for the outburst.. I think he thought i wanted to be assigned five aa’s , i have been having trouble atending one a week..
That is why i have been thinking i am going to jail, for I don’t know how long,,, my whole life could be really messed with again becasue of the drinking and driving.. And yet.. It is funny , because i have fought and lost so many times the challenge is more interesting then if everything was going normal.. I don’t want normal , never did, but i am to try and understand who i am, and i don’t accpetthe eaier answers, even though they ae presented as answers with question.. For even if i am to wrap up my life in the millions of way i could the answers to the next , what do i do about it , are only the questions that come. I have ninteen minutes, until the meeting.. Sitting here Now in the car, i am comfortable, smoking with coffee to my side, jazz on the stero. It is mine , and for a while i am free, typing to know i am alive, and seeing a peice i knew all summer.. To bad i had to get depressed and pay all that money for rent.. It is stupid.. Just becasue i was afraid of the cold. In the morning, because i know the car would hold the heat until i go to sleep. I have a portable clock. And a memeber ship at a gym.
But as each day is a new day.
I cna think about the possible next statements. Actions and reasons..
There is a women who might come up for christmas, as a present from the past. She will like the apartment. More than me lving in my car, but the truth is that i could have saved enough money to get a hotel room for the couple of days she would have been around. But lets face it.. I will have ninehundred tomorrow from work.. And then i will work next week. I have to work four days to get rent.. So the plan must again be to save,, but will i make sure i don’t spend extra money..
What did i spend it on.. Oh the facts of life.. My lust.. Lust ingeneral,, i have not been able to have a relationship since anna left, so that has been almost seven years. It is me , the way i have dealt with life, it is not easy just living when you were abused for so many years. I can still feel the fear of people. Waiting for them to be violent . I only feel safe with people i know , but i am guarded agaisnt everyone, hurting me,, it is silly and maybe just part of the drugs.
But i know that even without drugs i am still to face the paranoia subconscious in my system. And my first love was a desaster. I remember her nmae though,, kris keener.. I rememeber how we would make out in the movies, she had large breasts, and always smelled like a girl, i have to go in.. Writing without purpose without plan is a great way to spend some time..
So there we are looking the other way , while point and purpose take our hand.
It is late midnight to the six am rise. I didn’t finish my work. With three sheets of paper. I need. I have give the night to joy. For i only had joy in all i did . It is like i have crossed over , and even if everything goes wrong tomorrow, i will be alright..
There on my heart are , the troubles that have been , and in my head the future to make all the past alive with unseen progress, wisdom for duty.a
nother day like the ones past except to make a confusion of what has past is to see today. Like the mention of the present is doubt, like we should only live understanding the past or preposing the future. While today is only to remain alooft
And time wishes and finds. Remains true and falls alittle. Remains alive looking at the joke of yesterdays commonplace. Except it wasn’t like today. To day when again i see with the eyes of jesting flirted loving. What motions anothe make sof ones self. Absent and alone , to here and now. Your smile wakes innocents. A martyr it seems to the un gaurded negativity. What hope the absence we see and feel escapeing on anothers eyes with knowledge and experiences shining through, my love of the form my hope in thiegh and breats touching. My joy in a known moment awakened long dormit.
And so yestereday a day changes all
the romance of isolations merit, and understandings innocense , registered from old eyes, in seeking. Classic the redition , time and alotments. And i am .. Here to sit after, to think with soul with hours spent understanding others, and working like a gear within the maze.
I scamper around , computer here, with energies, amassed behind the ether. And longly wait to a gain care, for we have made laws of caring. Once and for all.
As simple is the knowledge.
So another day to babble to the waves of thought. Like separate unites to the actions of man. For which they are Used by this attention limitedly. Today i thought , yes i did, for about thirty seconds out opf theday. And there was even a moment in the morning where i found my thoughts disaggeeable and i staged an interprotest complete with banners, saying “quit work Now” and others that we into the fantasy,, “If this were my job, I would…” And still others that just wanted to scream out the facts of Just realign them all. Before we was a task of beam, and woods motive for straightness,, of course there isn’t one, and all hangs on the rules of nature being forced into what it isn’t.. Our confounded tries of cuting and entering it with metal ( an eternal enemy). Makes the aligning a wall difficult, especially if you see a way,, and yet, we told another way… the wood really won the battle.
The older beams beamed. Bemuseded by the human , a counterpart to it genes, many separate treed common house teamed to watch, the walking talking new born acting cocky, burring more metal Peices in Place. Torturing the wear- or pain. Which turns to a sigh eventrually, the nails. We there before, the only effect the is different is that it is different, the air.
Cars, are larger since the last day was sniffed. Since the last moment was given and behind,
The day the light left, when i was sufficated,
the walls ul, you said a satisphingly.
and here i sist talkking to a fifteen year old. And she is on a lot, i watch, the screen ,,
flickinging radiation. I watch myself. Having nothing to say anyone will hear, or yet..silence is satifaction.
I am on the air. Listening as i think of the spirit on the other side. What to say.. She is a young girl, who barely understands a word, i will adjust her viewing..
I guess it is the second fact of messenagering< a movement of communication. You can meet and leave, with a button…
Am i what,, i stare at the scene , and look for meaning . I want food and havent made it ,, i am cold again in a room i pay for..
So here again i sit waiting as life is , a wonderful life spent waiting.a wonderful waste, i am helpless to whim and only reget community unfulfilled , as i suffer, and can not see around me, the blinders perminate, and hard to displace aceppt in acting, Where once thelean is known, i face that way alittle at a time, and no more pretend but live in a complex fantasy, until , i am only a wantabe, and then an adept, never knowing ranking but slow personal daily grow.
But once i have grown so far and elcipsed the thoughts of my bringings, that blood which shows what we would expect from strangers in love.
Forget for they haven’t changed
and still figure death, as end.
Where wonder this life
to take so few hours
to a day in touch.
To mourn is greedy, holding materially what is inherently not. Oh the strength in the woods.
And time Waiting is what time is , that being nothing.
To be nothing is the ether. And an enemy without form.
While else is tide.
Oh the classics that would to talk on the loneliness of crying. Of blurred eyed vision.of countless times of not expecting, and thr road without is even harder, as no one helps the panicing stranger, unless they are getting paid, and we
can’t get couaght crying, to much work time lost, to many hours deep into forgetting. The forgotten thang. Having heart to find head, and knowing no difference.
what have i to say,,
i donot pay attention to the words written, these floundering of a mind half aware and half blind, these ruminations. While my eeyse see eles.
A trapped soul, a free soul, the same , from systems that can not be controlled and imprisoned, to free people who live in a world without response to aliments because of the ailments of power.. Or do we not understand the movements of money as the first unity in power.
So telling i am watching Gensis Kahn, creep into the wasteland of mongols facing mongols.
Belief in the sprits of the wind
there can be no answer , but what is ..
Do we play roles in the path of mankind.
Blindly with sight
and i need make no point
the movie made in sixty five.
The art created of rebellion, the civil right feat. .
Spirit magic god given natural right for the speaking
the power of all.
Against the hours history answered by the moment.
With mercy heart knows friend. By consideration we know loves.
the euphoria of love tapped into the magic of all.
And yet we question when the sights of the world are our own.
Without question we accept the wind. And path. Though slavery under the greed for its mis merit.
And of corse , the plot of the movie, is a blond . In Mongolia.
With clear running stream water,
scenes from western mass. Or maybe Brazil. Do with clothering which saved money.
Then the scenes in ?turkey? But now we go to the play sex scene, the ripping of the body, the rape. Of gensis cons wife.
Into the room the house mate walks slow looking at the mess of the dishes,
he says good morning, annoyed ,
and power is leaving what powerlessness we hold unconfidently..
Watching the killing of another tribe by khan as he takes a wife.
And now the Chinese meet Genghis,
played by the English man, and equaled of the Saudis. With an AMERICAN wife
gensis leads, with Telle Salvalas into Chinese proper.
Then the explanation of the great wall. Is to protect the art and culture of china.
and then there is another day.. It is late,, the computer is not turned on.. And i am wondering why i try i understand life. Why really do i write,, and what cam i covering iwth the absurd creations i call an understanding of myself..
Because mostly i am just rambling hopeing a couple of words will stick together, and make sense,, as i stare off into the distance. Like over at a painting or toward the street light like now in the late hours of night. Staring like the scene is so constant but yet who see. The blantant referances of thought as complosed to the symbolisms they create..
How common to see the street light,, but so old and layered is the grime on it. And the scene around it,, some tree, small are lined beneath this light on which i look. I am so tired i can not think.. So i am denied culture. So i stay awake to try and get alittle more from life.. Streaching the hours like the body can , to get one more momment alive, in this scave of economic slavery,,
so here we are talk typing what ever we would to call this .. I am feeling very uncreative,, and un idealistic.. Is it just age ketching up to me,, the inverted fall of achieved knowledge as we rise so do we fall in our own self appreciation.. For i am not a child who lives on a dream any more ,, the reality make me want more..than i have,, and really the desk i type at is not a deak at all. But a folding cchair, for whci is comfortable, but not supportive for my arms, I am caught in the forces of living where age creeps in to tell me the dreams are fantasies. While maybe i am jsut suffering form to little love,, as love is inspriation. And action is inspiration
i have loved people who don’t love and found little love for myself all along . The way.. Without really knowing what i was doing. Even now.. I am causght up in a quasi emprisonment. As i owe the court of mass and can not really leave the state.. And i am cuaght up with an apartment and all the trappings without any of the real positives of groups i was involved with and stimulations i have been use to these last years.. The youth i was surrounded by gave me hope beyond me,, and recognition. And i am tired a lot again,, and my hands hurt.. And i am a statictic
or i can fight further.
Which is what I will ave to do.
The day is a differnt onethen last..
An hour of being might not affect everyone, bout one can.. And often we change and have no recollection, but sometimes we she , and are astoniched by the ideas, a moment lends.
So moment s for the day..
Car drinving to work thinking..
“ a book ?? Does it starte with a statement..
Like we do we descide what we are going to asay and then,, form either plot or abstraction , accordingly. Like ee cummins Five..
Or Becketts beckettnausea..
,, “ and th
there i come to realize,, i don’t know if the book , i am refering to is Becketts,, it was an exisitential novel?? ,,
But that i used the words
which came so nautural
without knowing what they meant.
To knowledge,, and shared common civility,, to talk in words, read and understood. , i was referring to my feels while i read these two works,,
to explain is to read them.
Except without conversation.. To read them, like the art.. And the att is and the art.. In
Spewing radicals, and assorted mirths in orgarge and black , the color of my mothers second wedding.. How could anyone get married on a holloween. And not expect there child to dive into esperitos scato…
There werer we allow our minglings with psycontice, and santurary. Where we might be right and smile with budda.
Or consoul ourselves the we are all god.
But the redefinition
marks the world as a prespective. And an insight into , a feeling of,,,,
but It marks on experimentation. And remedial reading, and slandering self with out recorse, it is to fly and forget flying.
And it is all, you . Me , and what we make it..
Responciblity on a energy
Folk lore and maybe truths,,, of a time. But a feeling is all time,, and faith but a shared momment.. Faith as a common sense , and not definition.. If definition seperates it is not a defintion.
So we feel self.
The car, dringin,, a story must //// stoping ,,
must ,, a force supremiscy.. An after math of violence and subserviance. So calling a must,, is alienating the flow… what must ,, be ,,, but nature,, and with that denied all else are but plottings, and imposed prejudice. The Right is now with a left,, and not a wrong.
Something sucks in denmark..
So clearly ,, walking a plank, un believed and un ready.. The cost of plottings.. When a moment is lived,, as the last is Questions of death.
Who will publish my rage ,, the rag is alive
again. In me
and there we go again..
Here is truth ,, i have been feeling like shit, survival is ketching up to me and my addictions, and i am treading on the ground other people have walked so that it is smooth and downhill.
I sit with no work again to day,, and rent is a moment away,, last night i told a women i loved her,,
Love,, can without reason.. Like maybe love is vengance,, for ai love a women who treated me saddly, firt, fuck love,, and gone.
And yes i listened felt pity for her, wanted her lie i have not wanted in a long time, but it is a wanting for the sex and freedom, it is the answer to a pain,, i guess ,, she has had me and she is young and on some other road, than i ,, even if that road is only a fantasy away from life,,it is my road also that i see.. My road away from feelings over and over, we are the same ,, and she pretends in love,, and i love without reality,, liek she is away and never close,, and i am loving a ghost,, for that has been love,, parents away,, and never close, brother away ,, and never close myself,, i cna only question as far as being close
.. So this is today,,
today,, the hours go by like the pain of a tooth pulled ,, slow hours,, feelng the tiredness in my viens, and the crazy stress building up.. I am stating to feel equaled by the addiction of alcohol and marjuana,, and i am getting tired of being tired.
But what tragedy is a smoke,, but the tiredness we don’t notice after so many years.. It is feelings missing and you are glad they are gone,, no one to answer to and no expected answers of loyality. It is coldness and heart acke. Waking to romance and reason. The battle endless to regain sanity, of innocents before i watch all innocents run away.. When the nights grew cold and i stared at the open road and knew no one care where i ws,.. Like the night my mother dropped me off in washington dc,, in a hotel hell, lookng at cockroaches, and hearing old men jacking off to the sounds of traffic noises,, maybe then was when it left,, and i realized it was just me alone.. And from there we only want heaven.. And that was a drink or a drug,, somewhere where everything seemed to lead to thinking more securely and without truama.. There where i din’t care weather i was loved..
Creating a land of reason which seemed for a time to replace feeling with facts.. The sort which keep a mental together even if they are only words.. Like my childhood doesn’t matter to the total history of an infinite spiritual design.. For which timelessness seem a question of fact.. Un refutible and natural
so in that i could stemm off any clairty of feeling.. And add to the number of items i have forgotten..
Left to lye a a pit of consciousness.. But then we are all feelings,, and reasons ,, then more feelings.. It is what we understand , and what we use,,
It is a conscious, and it is the wealth,,
i would say ,, it is freedom..
Not what i own.
But what i own up to.
The connection of sof seefl righ t again is addiction ,, as i sit in a day,, wasted with pressures on my thoughts,, the stress telling me to be aware.. With natural desiaster the world comunity is equalized.
Our first effect is how we breath..
I breath with smoke , and like a cartoon character my head sometimes explodes.. Casting brain matter to any matter,, and thinking not to write a world of a page..
And no time to answer what is felt… no time to allow for the learners feelings.. For now in education so,, i am to another side,, the civilization getting in the way.. And answerering cast of duty..
The writer to his hopes..
Or the addicted on to a style,, a motif,, an escape well and naturally known.. Hid as will the truth seeker,, for once you know what do you do.. When you realize your not the only one,, and technological child answering,, the adaptation ,, through liberty of thought.. Feelings and causes domestic and natural..
But what is yet,,, just feeling self.. Through change and preceptive experiments.. And dream trials.
so it is later. I have watched television. To story of three sons in the oklahoma prarie one finds a love brings her home and goes off to war, one dies inside from a love of the brothers lover.
And it is story and that which i can not know better of myself.. It is plot and rung from the destination mankind has always reach to say it the end. .. And my road in that i am human also. My violence is so deep even i can not see it rise… and it does against all without the forcast of reason,, or so it would seem as stresses teach me as chemical lean me..
There is another in another room aside me,, preoccupied with my stress i have a hard time talking this week and a hard time thinking.. For as i think are the predestined voices of a negative paranoia so long in my soul from birth that the lie is getting bigger.. And i cna not lie anymore,, even as the moral code is not broken but the fact swerve for supporting action. And i am alone and uninteresting, switching from this to that to stay occupied.. The apartment is not big enough for another. I see that now,,
or is it that i have so short sighted right now.. I am with smoke agaian at the second buy more i am with money running out and pressurs mounting..
And opinion and tolerance collide.. Such that i think of my own way to surrvive.
I hate to have someone so close at my door that i can hear them talk on the phone. But it is a question of comfort? Or a question of change? It is a question of quality? Or a secret mans hidden explanations.. I care not to listen in to another life..
Which i will do. Lie i hear the ocean , like i regard the air to my musical ears,, i hear the life beyond the wall. And invision they hear me. And so paranoia sets in somewhere in the fantastic tale of a shyness, and often repeated family abuses ,, inside an aged head,, yo cna not have another understand you life, for each agreement with choise is a agruement of conscious.
Working on a modeling clay schulpture, which will be on a video when finished, i made these hands that rot.. That are really bad right now,, i will make more,, maybe,, put they are to hard to fashion right now. And the willy’s of art is when you realize how bad you are ,, and that talent is only as good as how you preceive.. Strenghten one and the talent gets rated where before it was just the muse in simplicity..
Argue for abstractions un able to explain.
I have time until i actually go to sleep.. I have time for the celabration. One word in place seems enough to push hours of sleep off.
And the other day i started a topic.. Thinking about a book,, and on what would i write it,, and a agruement for a “plotless” freedom.
But even as i write,, i know i have directed myself to write very little. The pen in hands is only the tears fitting the page. Like the sweat off the flying fingers. Which pound mechanically,, i am stumbling over ideas,, and using words like idea, without one,, or i am remarking extroverted publication and a group. For which magically comes to mind when i am stoned..
A Group of artist,,, (as in; all are) incorporate , in a joint buying capacity ( as in a portion of all sales from the Group Market [group market refrees to a web marketing,, the society picks the disturbuters .) would go into the Group fund) to fund “conscious raising “ world art. This Group would, if sucessful( with one hundred members , become a society,, which it would be call the Enertialcall society.
The enertialcall society ‘s goal would be to send underprivileged children,, mostly orphans or the most intelligent, to prep schools and colleges.
Further goals of the society would be to provide the fund raising and programs for “free schools” A live in kind of school where children could ( of any walk of life) become housed and provided for through enertialcall society “
Our shared ideas and the strenght of the cultural movement , will provide many idea such that we can promote through the enertialcall media, and through society web space,,
these ideas will be spelled out in the products of the Enerticalcall society,, and enertialcall media, but will alway have a grounding in world cultural relivance which enters faith as a common agreement, and with that the energy of god and the human sense of emotions.
Holistics as a reliever of medical tyranny
, meditation and relaxation technics taught in early education.
the Teaching of “consciousness” and prespective relational changes..
The simple explaination for contries and warfare with a no agression policy. And a humanitairn world equality, in sewage and water upgrades of thier choisen communities.
World parks and a world freeze on trees in five years after this publication.
We would honor diverse fuels and governmental patent overrides for evolutionary inventions.
But we are a society would also rut for mandatory voting.. Carried computers,, one person one vote,, at home.. The machines are just computer,, light and portable,, one person to carry the computer,, and one to guard the computer and person..
Then everyone votes.. And is idenfied.
These are a few of the angles the Media of the Enerticall will use to introduce the concept of a group mental reasoning for what is missing in the jouralistic lie..
We will not give time or space to idea we don’t agree with ,, and we will not be swishy washy that much..
( orphanages ) and art projects.
Now in order that this idea becomes a birth. It is to be accompanied by another Grouping ,, except this one is controled by an idea of art and presonal culture growth),, and applies all capitol directly back into its coffers, to be reaplied to the company.. Minding saleries.. Eventually..
It is one of a media sorce..
it is one and i must sleep.
But it is today..
Last days of decemember.. The first days of warmth in a couple of weeks, i am reminded of spring.. And yet.. The house is closing in around me,, my paranoia coming out in quiet normalacy’s of dramatic reactions. I am apauled by the surprises of cleanlyness. And dumbfounded when i cna not understand why ia am reaction in a certian way,,.. But then stress, and the little world controls we have to live out, and yet do not..
I stood at the door way understanding my self obervered Freak out,, a thing i cna only do alone,, tell the world house, listning are chairs an couches,, tendarly patting my back and saying i understand, are the light fixtures, and fancy door knows , i will steal when i leave,,,
and i appraise my self in sanity.. To be insane. I watch myself, kick a couch and knook over the vicr, and talpe, scattering my books, and screamming at no one, wondering why i am talking at all. Why ,, is there an effect happening to me,, life this, while my head flys into obsessions of stricter plots, adverse mixed cunningly to control. And i see the fall against me,, and no it is why i am to go down.. Back into the flailing tunnel the lonely face,, like residents without leases. And Prejudies inflicted against you , for the other side lets you be dumb.. And encorages numbness, and shallowly aligns holiday greets ,, and the real reason poets kill themselves,, the absence of heaven from science. But there is no line,, Intuition tells its stories. I have learned to listen.. But not all voices are believed, some are echoes of past experience.. And inner resolution to avoid.. For when you feel one way it is a safer way then trying for the trillionth time to look straight in the eyes of a tormenter.. The arrogance of power which walks straight with a knife to a motionless body and dives the knife to hilt. While telling the tale of a donkey masturbation, smiling jokingly,, pretending to whip the knife clean of your blood.. For the donkey was in public. And the teller of the tale watched from a distance,, rubbing hard but pointing out the immoral ass.
You are blamed for my sickness.
i will be sick no more
with you blameless.
We do create our own enemies.
From tales one only tells ,
one on one.
The back door whispers of the impotent.
And yet,, i am lead to believe one thing, from those voices, a hint,, i refuse to hear.. For my is not powerless, and sheer violence i laugh for ,, to defend,, and yet.. As the temperature rises and I am feeling immortally sane. I stop and look , at the body which fullfills its destiny, by dreams. The life which cast asunder the wreckage fo fourteen years of daily fear. For the realization of a moments timelessness.
And awake from the beast,, the carrier of vice and murderous passion.
And see the paranoia, and feel the criminal thoughts implanted like a victum quiet look in a courtroom. I am a dog of wars,, freely responding for my justice is my loneliness and vengeance on the sinners.. Evil is secretive and quiet ,, and unreasonable to truth and fairness.. Evil makes friends with drugs , and sex with uses.. Evil is cunning and blantant,, and in that stupid,, but innocent.. For not many can feel the spirit so well as to hate the implication of the numbness they feel. Flailing arms to the wind and soul to desires. For to feel is a human touch and a high, of useful forgetting.. And abstractions which win aruguments with law. As a immoral majoity. For tender understanding goes further to the fallen.
It is hot in the house,, i think it was me who left on the ninty degree heat,, by mistake.. The mistake of a stoner.. The hope of a troll..
But besides critic ing myself. I am starting to feel spring. And my mountains in nevada..
I am for the hope in me is the trust i share with others.. And there is the sharing self.. And how comfortable are you about saying and living you mind..
As me ,, i have faced that as a side light to the idea of creation.. What others think after they see your are.. Is it me confused and stumbleing to think is is my confusion ,, not left for the interests of others. But began.. As the smybol of not being alone.
I wait by the side of the road of self.. Am i alone,, the calls of a nature so pronuunced inside me that i quake to enhale the false illusion.. I picture a forever sky line.. And the mind peaceful to see it.. And then shift into second and make the light dreamily..
Passing i am a head leaning out into the wind.. For my twenty minutes accrossed town at eight am.
And it is me.. Looking off and some how driving,, taking the bullet of steel careflly aroudn fleshy objects..
Humans have survived the ice age that is how we got here..
Going to slavery is a lost of living. and living is, yet, what we mix with slavery
minding freedom as a mentality..
it is another day,, and the moment is one of rest.. Friday,, the two day escape,, the two day ease and recuperate , these hours we get to call out own,, for some and for others they are the party
Here we are writing from a journal
The night after the poetry reading
It is one of those times
when you met your fantasy
head on/ making choices of
life’s road planning on
The social plans.
And not to mar
I didn’t mean the truth
didn’t happen here
half way between
boston and new york,
Hills make you seem
A cavernous heart.
But that’s only a symbol
save and move away.
I heard, about a poet
who was one for cover.
art movement about
And never the mirror
our stresses, comments, concerns
are split level spirituality
and as my hand caress
i can only love
how i was loved.
Write for now.
Steps, little girls know,
are steps; and forget
for jim morrison
And the sheer buoyancy.
forget the act
with a knife
to your throat.
I have been locked up
enough to say
I’ll get over
and it is another day. The question of money was answered by work tomorrow at ….what ever…
And so it goes,, it is yet tomorrow that i will see restful work as far as my hands,, the mind must make life threatening descions i will be driving for the next couple of ??weeks.
There are reasons to like driving, straight forward constant problem solving,, the harmony of traffic, a million contract, that make up a city mile. Asking for a break and if not getting it you get it from the next car. Or the next.. But it is agreement and association without messy hellos. And cordial goodbyes.. A flicked finger is almost as good a stress reliever, as an accident.
But surpirsing how many people don’t, even entertain the crash as a stress reduction technique, road warriors we are not ,, yet.. And as long as we don’t globally equal out money,,, then we have enough.. Unless we are going to blame the transporational industry for the global warming trends, we like our ablities to be off screne , as the motor will logde us everywhere..
Equally, i let you go first becausue you have traffic approaching ,, then somewhere you let me back up,, or out of the wrong turn. three stooges movie i have goten into. As traffic is funny.
I wish we could as plainly see the danger coming from another and do our part to just sit and do nothing. so that the other can have the personal space to turn. To move out of the speed trap. On coming cars.
Kind ness is repeated by others. And vengance more swift for the destroyers.
the carseats are hydrolic and i again with my gear head on will fade into the night light smokeladen lanps, to see the envelope of light infront of me, sybolically feeling all the oter drives lone tided, waitng for the fair, which never is fully, fair..
We don’t see thedriver,, and time scatteres into the arms of a personality where all we really want to travel. And private peace. Undertand me by leaving me alone.. Yes i will be the driver..
And nothing.. Like all the plotish characters,, of people who either want to tell you everything , or don’t want to tell yo a thing.. The later grunts hello. And constantly looks at his shoes, which are of a cheaper fabric and more well worn than yours,
leave it to the msers, to inherent the world. You wouldn’t need money if you weren’t just trying to live with your privacy.
Even as that is what is gerally known. To puy the private.. So scared are we ,, and reightly for what people are put therough to survie any knind of dream,, what debased proactises mans slavery of thought. For vivil luxuries.
I am paid for my silence.
Writings for the video review
So i sit and watch, television. And it is alive with commercials. Commercials which begin and end with me owning money to a soulless god and jealous desire. I stink, and kill others with germs. I am an ugly, impotant and need this ,, i am stuffed up with shit and need that. I have bad joints , and i want you ,, you pretty thing , you champanion sports player,, i want a perfection like one of the elite.. Shading teeth white, with only a little loss of enamel.
Oh, an wanting you , I feel myself hardening. I see life a little less brighter, until i get the lastest cleaner, i feel my pimples gow larger, and my hemoriods swell. I look at my wife that would rather have a human dildo. And at myself that i would rather not feel the third world depression and the wars of first world ignorance. So take a pill and join party lines, for a group has to be right.
but then what consideration do have for my mother who watches and finds a life without love for me,, i am separate from the glory of the clean remark and the catchy line,, hope and love without pain,, I am pain , birthed, and smiled at and left to the streets at eighteen, forgotten like, no one is watching why do anything?
Or like the government Everyone’s attention is over there.. So we are safe here.
So television blanks me to humanity,, calls prejudices with scripts and levity to the criminal.
So for diversion. I find movies. That celebrated chemical reaction between silver crystals and other stuff. But what do i know.. The endless of my inner child is appeased with colors and distances.. Angles and well captured acting.. The childs simplicity leaves me to be remorsing with saddness, and happy at love,, shocked with action cuts, jumpy at a horros tensions and release.. I am alive to be taken away.
So my modernness leaves me to find more,, and more color and visions aflared ,more incredible space shots, and inner layoffs into a visionary means.The way our movies are progressing it seems like we are learning evolution beyond brainwashing by using it. A planned hope naturally arrived at through the cultural desires of the world conscious medium of film.
But I can only know by what i am seeing, and to procliam the avete guard in moving pictures i know i am not seeing enough and so We start together. I am not the film file i would like to be. So together we will make this section. I will start out with what i can remember,, and by the end we will come up with a list of one hundred films “You gotta see”, for everyone in the Enertialcall listening area.
So the case being made for the substainal influence, we can only go to the next step,, a mentioning of the movies,,those we take a certain schorok balence , and a balence to the crimes history is amassing. Our visions must call to intoxicates ,and invested logic.
Let us,, first, say our choises of right now are the choices of a light in the distance,, but a light all the same,, the Movie i will mention first is,, “What the bleep do we know” not for the visual ,although (check the microscopic water crystals). This film is about Particle physics and spirituality.
It is a docudrama.
So that is that,,
Prospecto books, for visual , and in-depth plots, historic revenge,, 1984, for the dramatic shadings, and great acting, and the notion of literature as a documentation of philosophy , like a remake of Crime and Punishment.
But with gods forced conclusion eliminated, and it remains man verse mankind, moving on to Brazil. (Another clarity of color and planning,, with De Niro in a supporting role.
So here we go again.. Change , i am a different form of work. The long drawn out body of time for which this job is . Stands with other events of personal adaptation. A three peice suit If i could afford it. But a suit all the same, the car,, a lincon, with hydralic seat and air, power windows. And did i mention the suit,,
but a feeling.
To be in that image , and think those thoughts.. How insane am i ,, the basic levels of socialization being so linear, and contriving.. I know this is not what i will do for long,, it is to step into the unlaborer world,, hard living,, but i make my life harder by forgetting to let up fo a good thing, so paranoid someone will diswaid me from the arts, with negative judgements maybe,, yes i could see it ,, subxonsciousness over ruling reasoning,, for we are are accepted if we accept.. Like walking into a glallery with a portfolio. Or collecting my work like a book could involve.
The censuring , of thought ,, to produce some words for a peice, a feature of the mag.. Which is the movie section.
And that was the last time here,, oh wonder and merith the arrival of life forgotten, all a headed full, we ask the martyrdom, hi pride rised by the mispoken. We are a island of imperfection.
Ragged rules to keep us together. I should be sleeping, as tara grands all, becasue we are .
I am specking in ideas, to fast for the page,, every now and again to look up, my flashing news lines from the web sight, and find If i was suffently slow , this could be televsion..
I wrote a play it wass a man watching television.. Except the announcer and other ideas ,, once played on the televsion.
Now this could happen a bunch of ways..
The point is to create a televsion.. As in a small box of cardboard with dials drawn in // or to an actual televsion Linked up to an off stage camera and scene set up. ( it would be really interesting if the camera “scene” area is in front of the people , just an idea of where you can go with the three acts..)
Warerobe,, the clothing wore by the televsion people is the same as Main and Equal.. Now when the “style “ changes Main and Equal are wearing the old clothes. And every chance we get we introduce new clothing through the annoucer first.
First Act– main and equal get ready for work—–Voice from the television just under as they talk..
Go to work.. Come back. Watch a movie go to a party come home, kiss
Prepareations for reentring the theater for the sudience who will BE ASKED TO LEAVE FOR THE FULL EFFECT OF THE PREFORMACNE..
THE THREATER WILL BE FILLED WITH EIGHT MEMEBER OF THE DEAD WILL BE HALF TO FULL LOTUS AROUND THE SIDES OF THE ROOM WHEN PEOPLE ENTER, THESE DEAD WILL NOT TALK OR ACCKNOWLEGE THE AUDIENCE. BUT THEIR EYES MUST BE HALF OPEN .
Annocucer man and female and alturnate.
about thirty people or really
Note on Wardrobe
the Announcer— must be ready to change clothing in fact he or she, we want the part to be androgonous,, and can be played by two or three people even, But for the comody of it,, we will use all two or three sizes of fruit,, it is to be a running gag even,, and even at some pooint of the play . The actors could fumble the breast and quickly retrieve it.. But the charcter will be changing the Channel. And the Annocuncer stay with it,,
while instantly changing costumes.
While in the televsion.. For after the first act,, the televsion leaves,, and the announcer mainly stays where the televsion was..
In the second scene,, the watching of televsion.. Takes on a new meaning,,
Today in lizard county (Curtain) the discovery of twenty bodies dampen the out doors for a class from Leizard view Day care,, the toddlers were out for a nature walk when they came apon a pile of rotting corpses. The twenty bodies have been linked to the lastest in a string of slayings authorities are asking for your help. Only Last week five bodies, were found at a moblie home park the other side of Jacksonveiw. If you have any information please call. 555-4847
(walking on stage)
The movie is tonight.
i know , but i am not sure why we have to watch it again… and again,, it is like the movie is always playing and our only function is to watch it..
now live on the scene ,,is Grace Merrysmitherfuckme.
As you can see. Jack . The cold lifeless remains of human bodies don’t really make for a complete eseatic program. so we must ketch this killer. Each child who saw these bodies will given x boxes and the lastest games to ease there minds back to the development before they knew what death was. so proven in this graphic repessetation of the maddness and uncleanlyness of some sick , fricken soul.. Who freicken should be strung up with his own intestines and ripped screaming and kicking from the human race..(Merrismitherfuckme’s spot goes out)… Now back to you Ted..
It is a ritual,, and i like when we snuggle.
so do i. (M and E kiss)
I LISTEN to some friends as they prastise music. The rock and roll , the chemical mixture with freedom, and i have not been playing enough watching as a disimualr voice encroaches.
The living of determination takes fantasy as the hold one has on life.
Today,, to remark of mankind in self,, the humanity coming throough as myparanoia is alive,, and mystical the content as a moment content..
I sat on a windows edge and watched an “our” pass. Street with adjoining intersection a cross road with wires and hung lights. Car slochingly through departing snow as summer comes in the green house sun spot , where i sit. For a time together with fantasy.
And what escape is to telll of the path, am i escaping,, so siting i am with couple of women, with meaning i am palying attention to them,, and one seems really alive,, and i am inlove. Her face is squarish and her pant made like skin, and the animal is to the animal to be.. But blamefaced i looked away,, one day,, i will for another hour go and ride.. The middle of the day in union square somerville.
It is many hours later and the plots forom then have been resolved , thought the tales are old and evergoing,, the tale of one knowlsege of life, and intuitional adjustments to a self reliance.
For that seat was the first in a while in sun ,, nice uncaring but to do another movement in the ways of doing.. But i am tired,
then, long like ten hours ago..
I sate under the wieght of some act of responce , from years ago,, as far as a time of four months. A person gave me attitude,, and back without even thinking i was all about it. I gave it back ,, but a different kind for the first was shyness and prejudice, and the second was a misplaced confusion of what was going on in reality,, a complete shut down of sanity,, and why because one can never explain prejudice to the prejudicial. Argue the woven nature of god.. All you want it is still just natural.
But my actions in this case have to have some reason ,, and that is the only one i can come up with.. ..
So the even i speak of without saying anything,, only invovled feelings and igdignations, pride , nstant and savage, like yet ony just faceing what is inside,, and never did i look out,,
yet the person has a possessor who will decribe freedom on your forehead if only in bold language,, not to make light.. But the familar culture demands familial respect. And someones i “disrespected” but some line is drawn for me to say,, the responce was a mirrored mannor, for which i am adjusted to ,, the instant change to make native the soul to those faced..
You can watch yourself to see if you do it at your leisure.
So i sit and think,, and it is the thoghts of the unfocused for the feelngs are over massing,, and what is it to be flight or flight. And why is it either. The real meance if not seen,, and i am no good at accepting the thrid ,, and realizing that i work on it, and i am getting better hearing the fvoices, which demand the words fate be reality. So i prey,, and cast the mothing to infinites,, and sit in the picture window , in union square
looking at the pretty women who are there
and what else gets my time,, but there is also a radion station apon the site,, up above where i will yet reach, on which i want a show to introduce a more solid breech of electric mental demands. For of one theculture becomes, rolling crystal delicacies again of faith science love. From whence it was known it will come to be a sight allow and determined.
The insanity left me for the moment was unconnected.. Plugged yet . And forever and strong . To know the day is alive if only i live it.
You want me gone
i bet you do
across the room
your torment i feel not.
Oh the internet,, and day alive
and yet not..
Half the population thinking one way
half thinking what ever they are told
one point seven three just feeling the burn
We walk into time with our heads known?
We walk into time with the sky above?
The space beyond?
We are equal in nothing ness
It is humorious to see
What walks in the wind of words.
We are wealthy in knowledge.
I start with a poem. Not good but there all the same, with the walk i have been taking today. Watch the internet. Watch television..
Where do you go and when Self programming..
Oh but it snows and i grow into debt and martyr soul for rent. Think i do not , think of your own scheduling. So realizing the cat lives my ideal life,, and i am glad the energy excises, my own god Buddha., which assumes neither male or female, god goddess, mercy verses strengthyet is wholeness.
I walk the internet,, not for a job which has been the case, though i must tell of the insanity,, i have been feeling,, the i don’t want to leave the house nature of winter, and lazyness, outside is a subtle trauma waiting. Insane of me and i understand you not knwoing what i am saying,, better not then say yes,, for the echoes inside you heart might lead to repetitive motion such as my own,, i am not wealth and the hours taken are stolen from a life need ,, for creativinty has not remark into money and alone i am not.
But feel for the unproductive. Give hope for the poor who would with mind and seekings fullfil themselves. To day tomorrow i eat,,
i am american,, food on every cornor, if you look, if you call, if you need to, you can even go to the government. Once or twice.. For the longer you know them the more you are shuffled and forgotten,, you do make the census. But Ihave been so blessed in the past. That the internet is still in the house,, and there.. I walk this morning..
March, 4th 2005
The day is another chapter? Or just another smallerize section of the live we survive to report. And maybe that is all a day is, the thoughts that can make hope out of slavery. I have quit another job, I could stand being yelled at so much that today it got to me enough to recognize how over the top it was.. And what was it.. It was only the employers wanting to make me quit, i was getting more money than he thought i was worth. I don’t think i miss represented myself. But a man can be so blind to themselves, that they can not see what other know of me.. I am a hard intelligent worker, but i don’t take shit,, and will suffer my poverty accordingly.
But what made me leave might not have been the obnoxious use of employer power, but the fever my soul felt when i started to get mad back.. I started to stand up for myself and for a child like me that is a hard thing to do.. Because i start to feel crazy and know I am thinking of the worse thing i could do to him. My head gets cloudy and my life with all it delicate motion gets lost to a moments reaction. And i am whole in animal for a moment, but always i have walked away, it is only with what i hold so dear as love, that has made me stare into the rage others have pushed me to ,, and it is always that way; others and the push.. There is life. For the evil are lords of the temporary and a small security is that to the waking day. But yet their nights are troubled and made harsh with images of the consious uncreated and over powering. They walk with the fear of god, as they slander during the day. And death will come slow for them, slow, long and painful, and so be it. The name of tara shall gain where it is commanded, in private circles.
I am to say i did the right thing, but hard ecomonics will be again mine enemy, or i should rejoice for the living further where excess could lead one to a moment which can change a life to an imprisonment. I would rather be free in silent wind and listening ears, to the solitude of morning than to lie in bed with a full wallet and no dreams.
I was going to start a Book again, this time it was to be around the concept of why go homeless. Why do we accept the shelter as our only choice. We choose where we want to live and watch as every part of our lives becomes linear and devoted to ungained chooses, as in the house i am living in is not my own. My Standards of civilization are maintained on my back which bends for the stress and constantly grows weary. While the bar is raised and i am told how much I am worth from the greedy who will only care about themselves further and further until decency is cost. And power is an arrogant slaughter , who looks to find the weak and suppressed. Until he abdicates his own kin and finds existence to be repulsive to him and so goes the culture he promotes. Those questioner of a spirit, and teacher of power can not stand nature so much that they never see themselves, and are never true power.
So here we are the rest of the day..on
What tortures the paranoid mind reaches,, or was it the prey-er (prayer), for i am weak enough to reach for strengh. The powers did not try to fuck me, the nature is one with the whole, and i am escaping to a voice inside, watching people pass the window. Watch people insist, two children talk with their mother, cat stevens on the music, a women behind me talking comfortably, the day, sinking into the buildings which are the horizen, and me dancing away at a lap top..
Watching, , It is a wonder to spend hours this way, even through the computer only takes that to drain, and sometimes i go before it, the limits of techonogy.
The trails of the day tested the grip. The storming Tortured ignorance disposesing reason, except that is a dag against mass and hatefull, gutteral yelling for clainity. without the fault of my own to take me the rest of the way, the rent will be late, the hours i shall work next. I don’t know and so i will not give all the money to rent. I will hold on to some. But it is another force recognition of my inablitiy to survie well. I have fallen behind again. So what is next , the days will tell and i will make some phone calls.
So I gave uup a day to the anger that is alive in mankind, Mine alittle. But his more this time, I couldn’t get yelled at like that, i would be risking so much to work like that.
And yet the truth is funny , the reality of not enough money is making me weary. Looking at the future, I only rely on faith , and that is whole with my strenghts being used. , but i am a fool, so today, i dropped off a cd. To try the longer road or the shortest way,, because i only have to do what i have been secretly planning, enactiong where there was a audience, a forgotten reminder of being, and there we are. .
Clouds slowly tell of being around a world , and drift slowly to the left, the parking sign has a curve painted with magic marker, so it say barking. , I face a firse house with symblos of old fire trucks. And the traffic is continious, with patches where people walk accrossed the street, and a sober looking women hanfs off the street sign, the clerk who gave me the coffee cleans the countrer, the pretty blond girl sound uptight taking about brama, . And i just sit , maybe i am just t ired fromthe day, and there will be no real writing here,, but ,, i will not stop just because i am not writing, i am [utting words on a conputer,, to write is to telll a tale, but i am in a tale, and she crosses the street with cordory pants and boots, under a winter beany, who just went into the bank. , so it is alive, and i can say anything, . But right now i can not think of what to say to ease the stresses the system but on me,, and i put on myself. One time you could smoke in these coffee houses, on day,, was.. Now it is nice i guess not to smell smoke like it is a way of purifing life, slowly changed through laws,, how much more repression is allowed. And is that just balking at change..
The Abuse page
and so it becomes another day.. March something in 2005, and a computer is in front of me like words are judge and delicacies can be so spoilt by exposure.. And yet , I ponder on morality, and tenancies inspired by it’s definitions. For as fluid ,as it is, in agruement, the leanings and the actions. I took away an over all core that still seems observed in the private of the human soul.. While i lived through moralities controls and found the chians to be fettering self explaination.
Why should i not let the foul wind of apitite makes marks on the road of learning. Letting my age , at one time rule, what offers the outer world interests to supply. gifts of alcohol while they talented my sex and let me to orgasm in there mouths, or bodies naked, high school hard-on for whiskey and drugs.
And yet, the separation began, I was no longer out of the loop. The world was lude and wanted me,, i asked no one for fees or bindings. I wasn’t really the naked exposed , ill abused,, because i had always been abused no one asked about that either. What tellings the future,, while i self explained the present a philosophical now, for morality and Law was against the actions I had experienced. But yet,, the more it happened the more I saw of life, with equally tranquil-ed eyes, by proof of action. (As was the Me-isms of the eighties,, and seventies.) So this breaking of morals , this unspeakable, was the actions of life,, and we all hid.
Oh, but let us not condemn the whole for the parts, but the hole is the part. Playing on the kings were the queens and accomplices, there on the reason to expand the world was the furs to keep the skin of one empirise and empire soft and without marks of dryness or over work. And to our sexs we added the rites,, Magically, like we could control our inateness, while keeping the secrets firstly to avoid the stake, as homosexuals were hung, with a delight of crowds. Name symbolisms, and could generalize like the term Witch.. And if i let a man suck my cock, I am a homosexual but i have purged social convention which would call such as immoral.
But it is just non-reproductive. I didn’t desire it, i wasn’t looking in the men’s rooms for a bigger dick to have in my lovely ass, no I was chasing your daughter,, drinking them under the table and hopefully following, and i was free of caring about the relationship. For none were offered,, I was alone with only god to talk to , and god answers in cloud movements, and high and low tides to prayer. And the body ,, if there is spirituality at all, is non-physical, and in that, it cares not for titles..
But in the actions of a mental mind. Finding you did not die facing morals, it made me wonder what i have learned that changed me for the better.. So i was more concerned with life , as a real object and less a statement of others doings, and in my subjugation. I found freedom as seperation.. And maybe that is what i did need. A destitution of love and drugs. .
The first question of sexuality comes right after we decide death is a definition; one approaches in faith. For definitions we turn to a simple philospohy, for faith with defintion becomes simpler yet, but with layers, we learn,, so the question and answer period is eternal , but the first answers supreme.
Death is a non Physical state, and spriit would be that which is non physically aligned, so sex is a product of life from the reproductive, and yet a schocra orientated knowledge of life if done in love. Sexuality is spirituality, but one might need to research all extravagances, but remember they are only reminders of everyone’s knowledge, and a short stand if not with love, one of our connection to spirituality, but easier to teach..
Lesson, Isn’t sex better in love,, but possesion must not be checked. We don’t own nature. But must choose to share it.
So the exposure of animal bassness must come to be grasped in any cosideration of mondern culture.
Why am i so unfullfilled, and is morality effecting my self security?
Because i willngly fuck video images,, and imagine the women and the plottings of getting one into my bed.. When it is not to do like that and never have i ,, so I get no love, accordingly.. I want to make movies. With my lover,, and yet she must be able to tell me who Poe was , or Gram Green, ,, and so i don’t have here, and visions, help me create the illusion enough to cheapen the orgasam but unshelter my thought enough to keep living the intellectual whole I have cherished of life. I would rather be alone then wishing i was.
Oh but then the outer world sits inside , and i go looking, staring at wormn wondering how to say hello, when i know i am not complete, almost because i can not accept my completeness, and so..
Our roads are fouled by thought and action. And i am torn between what i want and who i am. For there is no love for the wanting, i want with a mind alone, and never accknowledge my wantings , for i only want a clean mind.
And that only comes from the divorced resonciblities of home and utilities, the escapeing from rat races and social pretentions, where i lowermy voice to hear. It is funny how our voices are so important and yet, so told by us to keep quiet, no waves the slowness of evolution to a plant.
And i turn on the televsion and escape ,, or do i ,, maybe i turn on the televsion and get trauma and that is life, enteratinment in some granious way i can live subconsciously,, i am the doctor shoosing the blade to use , the killer making images reality in subnocturnal lusting , i am ,, without leaving my seat, until the commerical comes on ,, and i switch gears.. And now i am different , like media is toruturing us under lights flashing the statements to release us from the interogation. Which we memorize so that the confession will be believeable when the interogation is over..
I know that was me becuase you told me so.
March 5th 2005, Ant June and Lemon.
And another day arises, and sets, i am releavieved becasue i found immediate work for next week, someone that lets me play carpenter. Without much hassle, or little enough that i don’t mind his ablities of customer service, for which i am little at, now,, those years are passed, i was even kicked out of a role, in Anut June and lemon. For having an idea, to strong for the direc
tor to personalized,, over acted.. I was just a maniupulation and couldn’t take ty genrocity,I could have been Oh strain, and lose,,
So that is done , and now i know where i will be in the red that way,, but life continuos,, last nights dreams , a black suv, a kid who had to much stuff, and was relying on my geneousros
A dream and left, like the pain , that tells it lesf whaen to jusmp and where, to participate, come change change is media. We have to show the change represent and all will even out. So to even out i sit. out side. And feel the wind chill my hands as i type, yes lut i guess i loved my snoppy so much , i don’t want to part,, oh no..
me, it is preposerious, ove , it is a physical thing but a smaller women filles yet to understand is all about tone,
where there would be heart, i see lust , maybe from to many house, and beautiful flowers, A Women passed like i would and that is my preformance art, and it is my muse, there to stand with head held where i is secure, the muse is a heart, spewing to the wind without point for point is inherent, to comprehension.
and so we stand another day..
I have wrk coming , so this is a good time to do other work, the facts of which revolve around the cover to the cd, and trying to get more of a cover,, as in what bio???
March 7th or so 2005
Here is what happened today, I saw two movies, i talked and played poker with roomates and roomates band mates,, i would say one was a friend, or one is, but there we are going to classifications, and who do you really know, and once you know what do you repeat. My Friend is a sorted one long ago sighted to be for himself and fuck everyone else, Gotta cigertett, and you are insane to have been nice. Storeys about people are funny, You can tell who someone is ,, but the story is how they affected you. His little side comments of yesteryear, have diminished as age creeps into his curls, but the side slapping from long ago, still comes out his defaming Jokes, and subtle control, until you let yourself be maniuplated in or not. But without serving a material function his plastic shows.
The scene would be dramatic, If i lied. Hollywooded, or cast illusions to my own grandious rightiouness. But it was just three people sitting , watcing a mvie that suck, and wondering what is going on, they all came at a certian hour, lets say it was three, for a prostice, which never started,, and the televsion draughted on, listening to what they did have to say about each other, comments around how the girl , who is the lead singer should act. I was writing on the couch in front of a very bad movie before they came in ,so the intrusions was something of bother,, but that aside, I watch or i should say litened to his mani uplation , and saw her eyes how her offence , but not at him but side looks at her feet. The Friend was telling how she should tell a tale. She is kind of shy, but more she doesn’t stand up for herself.. So I listen, my remarks are taken as jokes until i stop talking, then I stopped listening,, alwasy around him it is his boring control. I don’t like people who can not just say what they are saying, but take all day to say something simple and then may never say it after all that.
It makes me think of the bad paragraphs i write sometimes,,
oh , well, he is still a friend , because I know how far he is in my life.. And there is another subject and one that goes hand in hands, with this friend.
And maybe giving me some plot to center around instead of the immediate, Where I would talk of the third band mate of the roommate,, the girl women i have just mentioned, and for there,, i am feeling a move to move her, like i like her, I heard her voice change, letting out the independent women she is ,, she is playing with submissive attitude, she is ,, maybe never to know, but the sight is alright , an though i would , I think want more of hours with her, They may never come,
The only way to really know anyone might be to make love to them,
and with her i would like to be her man. That would be cool, failing the illusions that I am twenty years older, there eyes that would not be smiling just to smile, eyes that would smile from connection i saw in her, or I am looking for inspiration and will take any.
No ,, no , the age of my reasoning is the balance to what is out of control for me, watching the future get spent in tide without connection. The connection being over wrought for the shallow resolve..
Funny that , when you see the brainwashed subconscious and look at your self looking. A line i took from a documentary on particle physics and spirituality through evolution of the same.
So the world goes.What is shown,
by Kenneth A. .Ambrose
Flashes of advertising with statements after, or on them, like a Deodorant ad, and YOU STINK, A Dishwasher ad, and Your Lazy.
You get the drift.
it is important to remember the order,, it will be like let the audience back to its regularly scheduled program.
Poeverty streets,, this is the beginning of a long walk from downtown to up town,, some big cities, Boston, portland, mikel, southrean target, not auston (it is a shorter walk) and the camera looks for art.
Just art, from begining to end, either Classic abstracts work with few lines for there is no straight line in physical nature. If all else fails use my work.the work of KADA ambrosvich
hand held shot of Narrator sunny day walking in the hills
a nature walk looking for natural framing, up-closes that eixict because they are.
“ So the world goes., So the system, made of well worn tracks in sand.
Like you could see the earth below supporting it.
But not really,
They , Who ever they are, and I guess, it is the opposite of self, Would say, this is reality.
This.. What is shown,
and I guess, they are the arguement, the flat people against the round earthers,
They , are the gathering of fascist, like we learned from the wars, that the one with evangelical fanatics wins, but a conscious can only regard controls for so long, and reaches beyond the facts of one time to the truths without time. Just as revenge for our silence.
Camera flase of VISION 4
but discounting, this film and a hand full of very powerful film, Media is still in love with being rich. There is a legacy of discourse, also, and as the human mind also loves it’s mosaic, it has been represented. Though not really since the invention of televison. ever time the human artistic heart has explained it’s own existence, the title of a movement is surpplanted on it. not
…… a step in the world conscious evolution of cultured opinion, The Next elevation in human consciousness. A closer definition of Spirituality and God.
No, it is a weakened moment waiting for history to ketch up ,, it is a second of looking at ourselves and savoring the motioning.
As art representing the time it is in.
Top New story on War.
top new on aids
top news on Priests
Religious relics images.. A flashing sort of thing, every kind except Cathloic or anything american.
so another day.. It is Sunday and as a day when i normally remember to write this is another one,, what should i tell of the conduct i have committed, waging thoughts against what legalities, and moralisms by the elightenment of knowledge, or the foolishiness of escape. For here we are and can not spilt excistance, what secrets the spirit knows, is it failure to tell. Or failure to know. I am human, and like animal i came full scale in my regret of action,
but there excist the pain of others to use to spoil your looking life. If i see your vision beyond my own, say in assuming the troubles of another. Am i unrewarded? For tempory relaivance of the exchange, the i help you for the temporay relivance of the exchange. For as witness, i see no usefulness in another who has no friends. I guess that is why i have tried to be of little use to people , for once the role is assumed, it is reintroduced commonly.
To tell the truth , i am asshamed , for my humaness, I am lecherous like the addict, and fail my own goals of a moral life accordingly, and see life in that love hate battle, as so often is the case in addicted lives. The don’t really know but follow a chemical-ism, and expect the following of same, Playing chess in wind and rain, the pieces falling in the mud, cleaning and replacing them to the board. When the board moves ,and the squares have diagonals, being flashes ever falling.
It takes a while to sit peacefully again.
But yet with kindness , cleanlyness, and a positive acceptance of self assumity. I see the air with trees and stars agian. From whence we are not under the rain. The air clears between the ears, the tired ness melts and spring is the action of the dawn.
I defiled another , drunk and insecure, i was staying away from world like a adventure from places i have been and know so often , that even chaos is boring and repetious, like the aruguments from the last of the party,, stoned stupid and longing. We fight among ourselves.
It is argueing with myself. That wakes my head to an awakening. It is seeing the empty ness i hold , the unloved spoiling of others. Or the loving alone which recks me.
Or is this thing i am talking not love at all, but the remorse for so many years dealing with the off chance of my birth. While i learn to live with it.
But when i make it my own, I get hard and foiled to any logical reason to stay peaceful, seeing as what i own is a telling of what has been done to me. A spraying of truths , while half doubting what i would call the effects,, for one has to give to them to have them,, these feelings , for which i am talking,, for love is one side of denial, It is the private side of what can not be taken away, but what , never given , kills. I so not feel so apart of life. I live in the excesses of others. This on excessing with violence, this one with mediocrity. Or at least the qualities of the suffer. Our perfection , our crime,
It is only natural to make symbolisms. This abused child is forever the structure of humanity facing what is lives in captiolism, if you are in the wrong court..and the king is waiting on the jester to be funny, and he is not.
So off with his head,, i think its been said.
And there is no reason to the smoke , or to the sitting,,, it is just here ,, here, here,,
here the final hours in an apartment for which i knes i was going to leave but can help remorsefully approaching the time to go. And here the moment when i am giving away money , for shelter, in the summer. Becasue i want to shower,, or i would like , make my own dinner,,
both facts of a Walled sisutation , with doors and locks, and windows, though i see more from the car.. And i feel the wind more in the living under a sky that does not change for personality, though god talks , we imagine , sometimes with the wind. Nature is equal and un egotistic, I does not treaten unless it means it and is giving you time to react,, those momments are not thumping the chest, not pracing around in distraction to the eventural. It rain or it doesn’t , but the clouds have no opinion or care about which is done..
As there are of all , they are also, the barriers of the chill we feel to get wet,, The plan ruiners. The damp feet and joint creaks.it is the suffering that creates our emotions,, such that i am distant to the wet, even though my ankle is getting sore from walling all the time,, and my head is getting weak from being surrounded by myself.
I hear the nature i am running from and am called back by it,, i am called to react sometimes, and even through morality says that conduct must be rightious, to be violent.. Our laws say we can not be violent,, oh that is right. Laws talk of national security, where i kick you for a reason,, through reason can be construde to fit round pegs into square wholes..
And there we go ,, for yet, reason is a writers force,, the edge of the two handed pen.
And as i do ,, understand,, so i am to understand self ,as the symbolism of nature’s reasoning..
Am i to think the individual un-valid,, as in to be philisophic? We must be able to explain without direct personal response.. For personal reason is not fact.. But there we butter both sides of the bread. And forget we are making a sandwich. For the feelings of life are to be left to others.?? that Phisophy cares not for feelings? Yet the next step to the individual is the simularity in spirituality as a common conscious defintion,, that Faith is a Sense. No matter how turn…
So the day is different ,, the call the same , but with accents of morality in location. For such change.. Is manidotory, my listening to common law in residence,, the house mate ship i have embarked on for Again I have moved..
Did I tell the end of the last,, the hours of pus h pull with violent over intent. House stares of the loner against,, an unknow,, but rumored, aggressor. A voice match to tones i have heard,, and literture has rarely accknowledge, so full of snouty snouts raised to the wind , and beyond there own stench.. Breathing , as they say in the trough, Higher Air.
And where and wear, and worn.
So leftover are to pick through, of human story,,the righting of the macho criminal with collar tie.. Superiority,because he knows he is plotting, and he thinks only him is plotting,, Arguing from the couch.. Lazy, with other peoples wisdom and self serving, living and an enchanted fate of the preditor.
Do you know what that is Are you street?
Then ,, when the hours come where you are faced with the truth,, and your conspiracy with it if you don’t stand,,
like you see the pickpocket and so you say nothing,, like feeling a murderer < for thsi shame is cowardly, and uses weapons when another has none. Or gang fighting..of gang fighting
and i can even rember what i was saying,, the anarky of the small to the complete power organsm.. Of the ever evident.. The roomate cruelity ,, responding with no responce no conversation,, I am right and you are stupid,, Reason escapes like Law for Fetuses.. A body is alive when it crys,,,
A spirit doesn’t die..
Ever pertenat the realities of humanism..
And so another day, mixed into the last.. Where i found the night that was waiting for me,, the dream of old fullfilled, and still more ,, to come reminding me of the ablitiy to see future through dreams.
And there we smile..
For the night cast wisdom to the ways of vocalization. And the medodies. Ask of time nothing as it was all time. An electric guitar. And a crowd,, the backing of a bass, and rythem guitar, such that i could play lead, and sing.
Moments seen long ago, about five to three years ago. That i remember from the slow waking periord . ,
I have moved and the new house is apart of it, with perfect walls for whowing work, and the smile from a womens eyes following me.
For as i come into the house, I fiind, the girlfriend of my last roomate.
I used to be with teddy, she says,, smiles,, and walks out her beauty composed,, i don’t know weather she will be a freind of mine..
But i would love to try her.. And teaching is the way of sex.. And i love young women,, it is a heartlessness maybe,, for the flesh is spongy and soft,, the eyes smile easily and reveal passion delicate and wild.
But lets us remember I am just comeing back into the boston wild life,, the art and the artistic pleasures.. Let us roam where thoughts have been so many times. To the lust for a lover.. When i have no one.
And Raw is truth..
What option have
to tell of self…..
what i think
Thought is never enough without actions,,and truth asks of actions to remember consequence. To remember what future did. Is a little foreshadowing,, and cautious, or paranoid and / or a side effect of low self esteem. Have you ever know relief,, as in ,, you were tortured for a number of years,, and then one day you awoke,, and life was different,, the normal fears that ecisted , have gone,, the american and russian forces finally coming to germany in the second world war.. Relief..
And so as i write this , I smoke,, A patent to my day,,
and i am wrong for doing it,, and i am sorry for anyone that thought i was going to achieve in the physical realm,, for i have done that to my own regards. My achievement has been to know my achievement.. Where Down goes, the surviver knows.. And achievenment is surviving at all.
Or as the growth is ,, even that becomes the question still,, what is survived…
and it is after work on April 8th or so 2005
what the day,, Insulation on walls,, reprocessed to be more money than paid,, and so it goes,, realistate devaluates,,giving me a job.. But i know in my heart i am treading water,, feeling so far away from life,, like it is over there,, There with the people smiling and holdout arms to greet another,, it is you walking with the dog,, and you jogging,, it is anything other than the temporary hole i am again in,, money,, and drugs,, drugs to keep me going for money,, and drugs.. Spiral..
I had stopped, hoping i was stronger,,and more secure it the devotion to music,, enogh to sleep in my car again to get the next thing i need..
But what need?? My dreams are achievements.. To still fight to hold on to a personally approved project of independence, and progressiveness. But so outside of my day in construction.. Except to the abstract.. Then philosophy curtails the difference,, the planning ,, the tolerance, the devotion to quality,, the nessecity for quality.. Life leasons learned to reapply but time for my progressive buisness thoughts and actions;nill.
So here when i get home,, i am to react,, willingly through these pages.. Lonely from reader,, like my loveless life,, it is here that i know the most of my nothing.. And smoke my joint and watch the sun go down an hour after i am let go..
The sun sinks slowly , thoughts roam my head driving home,, what if i didnt smoke? would the time be more fullfilling,, like when i quit drinking.. . the change purely balencing,, then whiened out.. For i have no energy to think,, and the world is a place i pass while going to work and home,, and yet to quit again, is to see that i am stuck.. And must have great freedom inorder to achieve.. I must not get stuck,, and this has been the last nine months. In August,, i will be free of probations.. With the correct lies,, and gratitudes. ,, that is why i am stuck right now.
The courts,, and my breaking of law,,
i had been mentioned earlier,, i have already done some of the dancing i was told to.. It was interesting ,, to have a meeting to go to i could call school.. It was of course,, drunk driving school.. Oh yes i am not a lawfull man,, i have broken the rules,, of society,, and have paid,, but they make rules agaisnt being human,, and some characteristic you can only try to control them.. I think it is funny..
The control part.. For the worst always seem to get away. The best characteristic are not acknowledged enough. And we all know the nice person is often the last to win anything. Humility is not american any more.. Humility is a lost characteristic of nobility.
But where to myself does that apply,, you see i am in flux of the ways of life and the path of kenneth a ambrose.. Maybe i realize myself so much that the forces i have faced make me feel almost retired to the fight. Even while i yearn to leave this foster system this slavery and master,, where the slaves crawl on the dead bodies of each other to be masters.
I just want warmth to a bed, and solice to a nights sleep. I want the day to be of sunshine, and the hours long to consider the ebb and flow of life. .. But in all this, I want to be able to think,, it is a drem, where you can think for yourself.. While i waste years thinking to help my master. I would to give to all, as a writer,, my slavery to thoughts, and produced self examination.
But it is time i am after,, time away from the hourly,, that is where i need to go. And will again soon,, i know but it has to be peace full and not forced,, I know i want to leave boston,, in September if nothing is going on.. But what do we make go on,,
right now i am thinking of ways to get out ,, of the boredom I am in,, i have yet to finish my room.
I moved and that is one thing..
April ten, 2005
And so the day has past.
The hours gone never to relive.but yet not far from the repeatioous Yesterday. And agian I write.. Wonder why I would even.. Though not to let the evil in of depression. I would wonder onlly why we do anything,, such as Have a life, for it seems outside of self to live. And a life is alone in importance mostly.
Some times I can feel that so distinctly.. The air almost tells me on shadowy magical days when mind and body seem to have seperations.. Those times when all around seem off in their peaceful world and yours is hard and tramatic. All are hard and truamtic,, but the lesser or greater is composed in our ablitity or disablity of sight.
I sit talking to someone,, listening more than talking,, this person is off aobut this project they are doing,, and by the telling they are furthering that thought to themselves,, but we fromoutside look at the play of two people and see the conversation doesn’t match,, the one is nt really interested in future goals.. What is now,, he seems to scream,, what are we loosing for remembering tomorrow. Liek the plans of men,, are and gone,,
the now,, the now.. And it is to see, and seek future the love of .. The second…. raw and without rival. It is that same second we argue over,, you telling me,, me,,
and I ,,
and this is the problem.. I am only hearing me,, though you are speaking the words,, you never mention us,, you are so formal and social.. Your actions, like a play, are manipulative,, which you make stick with concerns you lack.. ,,
those moments when I can not say,, what is this now,, you speak of us waiting through.. My present is only as important,, as who I am.. Now..
And now is the changing of how,, you are known,, to yourself,, in your peices, which never fit together well enough to sum up quickly,, You ooze out,, unless you are demanding.. Then you splash.. And get everywhere so much that it is hard to find yourself accept bit and peices you whip off tooth and jowal.
last night what held of heart again was lent away.
Eyes entering and tales levied estime for understanding
where I maybe did not.
So affixed with a lover,,
her black hair and well shapped face. For which to see smile , Proclaimed for me a world peace, and a sight of love sounght after ending. For against the indisputed agony of contact, acceptance, rejection,, I was attracted and followed I was interested and lived.. But no gian is gained, no prize for the contested.. She is away into computerland. And controled by the Provider.. My big brother who lets me have a real life of interest.. Where floating to goal .mentions the call of forms. .Old testiments and certianites. As loves giving makes of doubt and hard heartedness. An yet innocents, prevailed,
and I am cast to today without her magic Ravenshadow..
We are not to be indecicieve today,, are not to let the small litter a path hurried to death. Today, to the silent we are in love.
But temptations borders, the analizis of all that I am not able to see. For love with the free is love of all in mediation.. And so the day shouldn’t change and yet.. I feel I want to be possessed again. Tides moving in and out , up and down, the radical sobriety of intuition, or the blinding voice of paranoia, not of love,, for in that vien, I am fighting against, not the being but the living in fantasy,,
Oh to hold back. Waiting for more moments to tell,, I have to listen,, I have to remember, I really feel in love, and must not saturate the idea with the ideal. For the stain glass makes rainbows slanting the afternoon sun and breaks easily
an Open Mike speak
At the Poet’s corner of the
WAKE UP THE EARTH DAY
Jamacia Plain , Massucettues ,USA.
Sat. May 7th, 2005
As an enertialcall.com production We refuse to do anything without some classic guidance..So the classic are asking to be read out loud and once an hour. So this is what we are going to do..
We are looking for readers, to read classic poets. Actors , Other Entertainers and Literary Professionals, are asked to Email the Enertialcall, ( to schedule a ten minute time slot so their favorite classic poet call be hear to help create the environment and community of words in Jamacia Plain, and there by the world, for another year.
Scheduled activities. Ten minute Poetic Reading, thrity minutes of Open Mike Enertianer of all sorts,, from comadians to songwriters, to jugglers and assorted stage clowns , YOU, are asked to come preform for fifteen minutes ( sign up during the open reading).
The active artist in writing rarely get to speak their work to the general public,, Even with internet and other publishing option, a written artist is mostly cloistered in a room with computers and a animal of their choise, But this creates a social vacuum. (We actually think we are talking to god,, because the clouds move a certain way but don’t tell anyone.)
A vacuem of ideas, and a society which is generally reluctant to talk. So here at the Open mike speck. We , the writers, ( songwriter, Poets, fiction writers) in all of us, do our part for the divistiy of society, which doesn’t wait for the establishment to gold stamp us which basically create a gag order by becoming Puchased entertainment.
So it is another day to the life of one so betook by creation that fourties years have passed just trying to recognize the planned insult I have lived against myself. Have you seen the fault of your own. Casting doubt on the unity of life lived without concentration, I guess happiness is a declared escape. And when blindness comes to light where do we stand seeing the knife in our own hands. Or the choke hold as our own.
Have you seen that,, where you studied yourself, and found fault.
And for which we can not it seems avoid. Where words work reason. Instead of the passion of singularity and beastial civility. The dog with a suit instead of skin. A blue suit of flesh, cast without bone, I speak to stumble , for stumbling hits on the stone relavance, the sublime elimination of president, or the exceleration of it.
I am never sure, twenty years of this,, casting thoughts to a thoughtless muse, where uncontrol is released and the thoughts are not, if words are action. Casting into the silence a trillion strong,
Maybe yet, only because the word is provided.
Nothing to do with me, where nature is no matter,
Extreme views are the only ones left.. To many answers left to rot,, to many thoughts not given to flow. We deny to survive,, and scream “get use to it” and
look to sponscer the messenger
and kill them..
so another day..
Work over, smoke in system, the night runs befoe me like I can never get enough time just alone enough to think. In peace with civilization enough to think, or is that to feel. I am never sure,
here I will show you,, for today, quickly I passed a girl. I know this girl from an attraction mutual and private, no one will know. No one does, know , I saw here today..
She was as special as I remember a slim body with propotion which tease, but I remembered her lips, cool and soft, a slick carese with a small thin tongue. And a moment passed between us,, her a private escape from her present mate,, as she cast off a date to stay late at a chirstmas party, I would to find a love on such days, where we try with all our heart to remember traditions, and we most always remember what we did on those days,
to touched her eyes, when a boyfrined, replacment , was boring the shit out of her,, and Ego ,, I guess , a speak little say less, .kind of recomodation. To the talk a lot about things you don’t know.
That are grandious, and ill fitting a social occasion.
I saw her and was tranfixed, standing guilty for my visual replacements for my fears,, I have grown so morose, It has been two years, since love found me,, it has been just yesterday that I have found the visual my only opprotunity, to feel , my wish for sharing , I carry a burden few want to think about,, becasue the thought is the action , and it is rebellion. True and simple,, to have faith..
Now I am relieng on that word to give the chill expected with a statement of statements..
For dogmatic connection are the control and so the next asks ,, religious faith. And there one comes to what study you are of. .. And seperates from simplicity. The opiate of faith is to be regard some day , as a common human sence,,
these are the roads of mental evolution. And dice cast to understand space,, and to divine commoness… for which it is only the excistance. In peace and postitves…………. politics are after facts of desisions.
We stumble till we make it.
I have been considering these lines for many years,, the idylic state of escapism, focus.
This Is the second time I have written today,, the first ,, while sitting with coffee after work, watch women ,, watching what I would like to be sitting over on the chair there. But no.. ,, so yes is the leading of our desires.
Sitting writing would be the only way I could want to be “picked up” but I am a man,,
that is what I was writing about..
But for the mention of the head of a nail. And the small concerns to the larger, and so say my fingers, and a complete second.
I wondered about death , early in my life, being one of the millions effected by three mile island, a nuclear reactor in pennslyvania which in eighty something Release nuclear waste straight into the susquahana river.
So I learned to think about death,, white winter,, but apon the racks. The calling of alien eyes, the habits of animals,, the warm touch of sex , song, drugs, and meditation.. The faith of man surrounding deaths definition,,,, where patince would tell that death is a reactive experience, and subjective,, but what of the transerance,
such that the death is a representation of creativity, where we ask ourselves weather we have been true,, and living the moment like just demanded,,
where we hung,, and stopped,, where we spent hours and hours…….
What a worth whiled peace.
Different day, romantics are not so. Left leing to the wind.
Set stance, and broken.
Where our freedom travel we do and do not.
The latter a part of supression, and or civility. The definition seems costly. Civilization is te gear of life,, it is also a cost forthose out side ,, a cost to live inside the bubble of plenty, eating from garbage is not so bad as the price..
And a peice of humility… but what a worth whiled peice, (and by the way it is not your garbage I would pick. DD’s or stop and shop,) No moneys was paid in the mention.
Could someone get on that..
So I am asking to leave in side of thought the echoes, of diversion. A nice day and I should be able to relax,, but work,, wrighting..
Left overs of the past it seems sometimes. Here to talk withoiut conversation one sided and alone, what a morose venting.. ? maybe,, I would to have someone to hold ,, and so I coume out here,, but the sun is touching my armm. And I am getting scared of the sun,, becasue I am a paranoid , and becasue I have sen to many moviees. Which once made us scared to the future,, and now,, we just are presented with the desprite battle like media has political social motivation. But there we go to ask the call, of inside love and devotion.. What desprit battle comeing to the home and social, there standing on a bridge amist call victums..
And noting but the wind for I am not thinking,, .. But to stare at the white specks of ducks or such, on the lake in front.
People ,, are around alittle. A girl in a black and white top. And trees fro which I think are the reason for the comfort.
A sole reason of there are there,, like I am to feel ,, this place of knowledge, the wind is picking up speed, and I am feeling a little sick, I could of heaten but I forgot.. And yet, with the bases of the trees cut off byt the hill above it and which I am on, the trees are fantasies, and we dream of the grounding,,
As I walked up I thoght, there is a place to die,, without much eles but what I have,, and who would off my dead body take, to new stries, and the truama of a mommetn of need, for who would without ,, and what move would it promote, to talke of objects. ..
The line of the other side of the pond, seems to fram out what I would see of it, little sniper targets accrossed the way , if I was in a video game,, funny that,, the intermixing of techonogical training and the raw evolution of human thought caused by it,, the movtive without know able results. .. A distant shr seem much of life,, there over to be alive and sittig ,,
the girl attracted my eye,
a momment gone, I will not .. For the motive is I am always stoned,, and no one would want me,, and there we go. I smile ,, larger thatn life and feel at one with the trees,, drunk till dawwn has proven after life,, and now the trees are more alive than whiskey.
who is this for these words,, am I getting closer to telling you anything.. I know I have nothing to tak about now , after so many years, of see what is said , but yet,, I don’t feel I have to say much,, the idea, of trying reflects and creatively that is enough ,, but who would take with holding axes,, our stripped sod. Abandoned, and there still one roatates around the earth, speeding everysecond, and now toys are getting just as fast,, .. We stand to know ouselves better , from a himan lived if only through gestures,
And where apon the stool and step. Does this house arise,
against a moon of happen chest, and sirens to the lyre.
We call ourselves to rest and vent ,, the criminal in our minds,,
but peace and love are heaven sdt to know the day devine.
As jon sits ,, in among large fallen trees carved for there seats, wide enough for the arms to be free to write, and abbeys work was everywhere, she had gone to work in the early morning, draming he found his waking hard,
what attributes to instant knowing, where you ust look around and you feee home, , to rest and no a travel is welcome, and true. One doesn’t know as we move and talk ,, as we explain and hever really listen..
“ I see in past and subscript
Therre it is criminal , to think, helpng against the thoughts, ablaxze from thought, blazing.
We run our innocents aroun . Flaming descision. To suffer the burden, corporate and scandel ridden, but not my home ,, no ,, pure as the ego is long. Telling visons the outside of being true,, when inside out full stomach is a maker, and a easy head our high,, here to digard, such that calmor to be reconized, a german pope,
and I would to litter, with conspiracy thatns, and
I would to ..
See the boat house read brick with a gasebo.. It is like comewhere else. German alittle. And the plot thickens. ..
And here I am agin,,
for a couple of moments lets tell how we got here,, sitting with the type writer, asking for nonthing, becasue no one to ask, theshear ego of standing with head plastered into a laptope, wondering weather it is all worth whileand it I s a calling to himanity, observing the observeing self.
I resdend in the car last year,, dduing this time,, the early summer, sool ness and an exacy of change from snow , and the ugly, we can not talk about politics, and we feel it,, we don’t want to ,, only wanting the day to go on,, and no nuclear bombs drop,, but you know it is one of those days, that you really could care about even the next moment for it seems a long way off.
Then it is not so with a ranger,, car with light, come in.. My perfect sin..
To feel at all .
I am not saying anything right now. The page will slip by with me typing,
enter the dragon materialism, wieghed to be acceptance or dejected subjagation. Of middle management ,, and god as controller,, with our hands on the machine. Staring nightly in to a farce ever and ever deepening.. Until escape is manidortory, and justified,, to think is enough if oony to get time to do it..
Where the structure imposed on the free spirit, the denial that has broken our trusts enough to lie cold agaisnt the earth,, when we have a good idea, for th challenge to be it ,, for foles have already been defined, . Some how ,, the escdape is natural part of change, to burn part of the recreation. .
Upsetting what morlasi have remained with, for the actions are the cancer, not the thoughts, I have the cancer,, I am not whole,, touching my beatial, remain human, and scared from the battle with sexual loveing,, scare witih deiase and with usage,, as a man become the fool of.. Oh yes , and even that is the prossess path and estigma to learning anything, I followed my intition for the reason of forgettng all else, thelife is how in the living.
Simple told stated,, where the living is no longer a question , beodmes the way to moment , ,, and as the apinting gives not,, a second full body is a camera,
So here we are,, I have moved so you know or don’t now is different,, five males in an apartment, I am the old man , and unapproachable,, becasue I have always been, or new england has hurt me with the narrowing of focus, the tell who you are with a look,, or express yourself with the school you are in,, and the need you hardly ever get to the surface for the amount of conversation it truely getts,, thing Night is young with the eyes of the mvement, the telling of saints vestages,, the marytr of blood and sin that directs shadow hours.
But as these writing are directed and as life is producing tonight is alive, with the conversation we will not remember in the morning, but the hours we will smile. the testament of our escape,, the giggling of getting to other side from a matter of monents flirting with dehydration. What Gods children will do to peek at death. .
April late almost over
Shall we just watch the children
go further into a confusion
sponsered by government, media, and the usages there of.
While I listen for the shrieking.
Asking why now.. ?
Asking what will replace?
Asking why are you representing me..
And invasion should be ..
With a lot of people and quietly.
I would to tell you everything,, and the effect of self to see it..
As I would write very fast for everything is in constant flux,,
and if everything includes time, it is the decision of tomorrow today..
And it is now more than it is feelings.
Enter the cliche,, Life is what happens while you are doing other things.
What if everything is personal and universal,
, the reactions a common sense of faith
are so complex yet simple,, like hygiene.
I feel badly about this so I reach to change it,,
that is sanity, or so a therapist has said.
But to think we can divide the issues,, is the fault of know one..
Spiritual Knowledge and self perseverance,,
You are over there coming toward the bread..
In my hunger I lurch forward,,
emiting the territorial nature of animal man,
, thinking is there no more..
.starvation is around the corner..
Using this as a call to arms,,
seems what I am use to (amused to) as an American,,
Did I get it wrong.. And even if I did,
we feel to know anything..
Such that we really don’t reason…
… and are explained, without thought for thin skin,,
so like the approaching of Geodesic domes for cities,
we are caught between ourselves,, and ourselves.
For as I grab for the bread
so are my people fed
, so is my government known
,, and nationality indulged..
While I listen for the sheriking.
Asking why now.. ?
Asking what will replace?
Asking why are you representing me..
And invasion should be ..
With a lot of people and quietly.
Like the Chinese everywhere..
Such until we know no boundaries, and taxing systems.
So my friends.
Crowd Proud and the rich should never be Baseless..
So able to reach from distances unheard of popularly.
Green Tara, a neo-historic pride should be the government..
Responsible to people,
whole and in that,
, beyond people’s favoritism,,
for an agreed on higher law,,
the law of truth .
removing veils of egoistic
western knowledge and it’s exclusions.
Leanings which create doubt
and permeated spiritual thoughts and feelings
destroying the natural whole
as it can be shared
through the affecting Greed ,
as a commercial object,
hoarding fashion and fascism.,
and the mirror
Every leader should explain there actions against the god, of future for all.
In the explanation of god as self. energy
with the responsibility of non-physical existence at stake.
Which is known by action.
And the mirror
yet shown through the eyes
And an invasion should be ..
With a lot of people and quietly.
And global conquest is inner peace.
I think I deleted a file..
,, tonight I sit wondering why I write,, the first mistake of the page was ,,
“tonight I sit wondering what I write”.. And first is the last to consider though I should..
I write this,, these words somethime I enter a field of understanding. I would to say self understanding ,, and then societial for which one is the other,, and the more we strive for individuality the less likely we are to achieve it.. Though even in that I am side tract to realize,, we have to reach for individuality to know anything ,, of our desires.. For there in smallnesses,, and there are a trillion.. We are unique,, except that we all desire…
And in that we shake our heads,, and run to the nearist mirror.. And clean the blemish. With the glance. Remove discover for how it offend for the accepted giggleing beastial obnoxiousness disreasonablly floating our world to hell. With governments and wasted humility.. On a side of the world a man begs for coins,,,, in all sides of the world,, and even with the system change there will still be that man,, when there is plenty,, there are broken rules,, and cast out are created,, from there they find just resolve to understand humility as sufffering to balence. The egotistic idealology of brainwashing cancerism..
And from there to survive the invalids history ,, for what these ages will be come know as,, imagine mankind fighting nature ,, yet,, through his refusal to evolve,, A refusal I think is not blantant,, such that we are unerringly simple and would rather stay that way,, but yet , ,the thoughts are only complex untill you feel them,, or, the thoughts are yours,, and you know what I am talking about,, but do you know why,,
and if you know why,, are you talking ,,, to..
We should with out heart create a future for love and hope,, but that is admitting,, and it is self and what or society,, It is of self. alone,,
and the small,, power of the individual.. To feel.
Nature is not based with conversation in mind
it escapes us only because we are it..
It takes a real long time to understand the ego tronic,
it has nothing but acknowledgment .. To understand a non time state,,
and out of body ,,
I guess I write because I want to know if I am insane or not.
Basing the escape again and again.
Living the lying knowing we are living,,
Yet calmness removes being and contribution. To being
and contribution,, road .. What a person can speck and no good or bad , makes gestures to the street,, in long and short forms..
I am lost.. Smoked and lived this way from years,, am I fighting off the insanity I want to live ,, or living the inner child experience,, over and over,, the clairvoyant guilt and wieghts impotent passion,,, a decision,,
in past was a life threatening experience,, and
so there we find ,, death,,
the subject and the calling of natures peacefullness, though I would not want to die,, but yet,, the killers are out there,, some a screaming what we should be,, and others,, are caring about who we are,
and then, there are also the saved people, who can not equal anyterms with themselves and commit suicide.
.. And I leave for the train..
May 8th 2005 some here we are again, you and I unknown to each other searching for what we share.
I want to expose my self , I am a pervert ,, or a scientist,, I prefer the later,, but what can I say,, I think love has left me ill. And nature is to see, so I am trained to want this ,, so that you will know the experiment of life , one doesn’t end,, and to ,, adds evolutions to thought innerly,, where physcologist are suppose to lead us,, we learn then to lead ourselves,, Though, my answers may not be right,, I am not looking ofr morla right or wrong , just reporting while even through my intellectual ablitiy to hid,, I refuse, and so it with a greate homor, and a civil guilt,, that I report from here, with little idea about how you will take this,,
and if all my words are left for nothing,, then I would imagine, I am not alone.
Writing on the Sunday,, the Sunday,, like the end of time would , in just one moment, make this the Sunday, or something. It is mothers day,, and I have an aswering maching ,, so has been my life,, but who started hurting who first,, I can not remember,, I was to young. J
and so there we are left witout that one element for which might have changed my whole life Would I have believede the reality proeposed at me,, The childish rebellion still persistant,, the doubt , there to , but with limited effect as an adult knows it is not a right or wrong world it, is do ,, or deny.
In , little twon of pennslvania , I don’t think I could recognize art , as a child,, I saw rececord covers,, Elton John,, Yellow brick road,,
the time of the surrealist copieng dali,, and doali, remining a study of egg heads.. ,, We watch limited televsion , but even televsion was less concerned with mental evolution , thatn it is now, ,,
and I would make the mark of mental evolution as been a staticcal technonogy,, in media .. And not the other,, if the other excists..
Wheile to acknowledge it , it is live it,, but that is the adventrue limited people take.
And their we smile.
For the adventrue is in reverse of the steady and “real” system, ,, America is a constant fight with System, without true debate on the concept of it orginality,, and is the vison of the fore fathers to remove the evolution of that vision. For idealism and never reality,, and democracy is an idealism,, until there is one person one vote,, As the only law of the land..
Every citizen must vote..
How does this come back.. The land of exposure , the Sunday afternoon, and cancerous success of my present venture,, success,, I am proud to feel, which it still is not secure,, and when secure ,, it is only the happiness to be ,, that is cliaming it own,.
You wait for years to feel the truth of years,,
accepted for who you want ,, yet proof of want is in the giving.
So now another day… fphone calls and the desk is not set. The work area, spred everywhere,,
Thoughts while accepting a challenage.. And veeding to make phone calls.
Must here report while it is to report,, I have made enertialcall.com into a portal of art and consciousness. Asked people to join but left no sign up.. And I don’t know if I will. To be apart of life is to introduce,, not to fullfill. Unless , the evolution of self seems trinad for such,,
oh I have mail , let us check.
So here is the life of being.. I am watching.. And waiting. ..
So I started the enertial call..
The road has lead to the INTERNET,, and there are a lot more thangs happening on the net,, then just me.. The internet is like the streets without the contact..
Every demand is a click and an account away.. Feeding desires. impassioning the diversity, to go on is a changing of life.. Good or bad, it is speed itself. And so I am watching women strip, I am feeling my desire for others and watching them. I am spiritual as in I am innocense and still cry at movies….
It is not a reality but a fantasy ,, but the spirit still needs to roam the immoral.. Which if I might add has been made up of the rich,, who for years, have cursed love with sex. For love with sex,, is a higher state, then possession.. ,, so day freedom with lend self to sharing,, my next girl friend might be the lesson. Maybe I will be able to see the classic whole I am representing then, but not I am in desires,, and they are on the net..
And I am there target audience..
Used for my desire to reproduce,, my need for intimacy which I never get,, and I guess if I did I wouldn’t write of ,, mostly because that has been the past,, I have often avoided telling in any conclusive matter, my deadlier sides of life,, where I would walk out of your civility and use your passions for my giggling. Because I have,, it is a use we know but rarely tell. And even more rarelly come away from unscathed.
I think at times that Morals have been invented to limit our thoughts.
To make a wall where you are ,only to, look with disgust.. When to know the wall is to know why ,, for tended with the evil is the truth .. And one gets lost to the other.. Like the moment you realize you have come to the top , after being through up. You float,, and then you drop..
The high gives you knowledge
but now you have to fall
with the knowledge. Tuck
in your belt..
to the fall.
I have seen such heights,
my humility so adjusted.
Watch the children being thrown.
So here we are I put porn on the computer,, I watch from the side, with “underground metal”.. Thrasher music
and people wonder why I play atonally..
It is getting late now.
The television is only as good as the show. And complete porn will do. I guess.
Watch and watch and feeling the dream of another,, of the legs you could touch if only , the breast which make you hard and wanting. A burning within your thighs , that gets you to a state of complete intoxication,, and from there to spasm.
I watch,, her hand moves into thiegh tight shorts.. She massages her nipples , and massager her clit. I stand opposite and alone.
So it is another day.
The last few have been sickness, and travel. Sickness and love.. To tell, I have been with a mother, and warrior. I have been with a nine year old child avenged against mankind, for cash. What more fantasy possession for a sexually abused child. A nine year old who ran into the world and sacrifice so she could call it her own, because of the sacrifice she faced in the home, and her doubt is humugus .and her will Devine.. What I could say of her, is that she is alive with the courage to live the small hole which most would not in order to see a future in her children. Or see just her childish self relived with vengeance,, I am not sure.. About all my comment concerning her, but I still feel small around women. And she has me to the same point, I am not thinking straight, and want her,, like my love will help her life. But the coldness of loving . Entertainment people is huge,, like me to mine,, outside cold while I keep some inside, protected,, but lose the mantel quickly, as she touches me,, knowing my inner so quickly,, the balence which can normally be avoided rushes to the edges,, for me it is a new day,, and I must make accords..
Right? Yes as the leading gives..
The balance of another in your life, one who you consider preciously involved with you,, they can leave in a second , drained off into the tidal waters, which keep the baby wondering about the bath water swirling clockwise or countre. Depending.
May 15 2005
what words can encompass lose. This week as would mention a moment , I had many waiting for a lover to show up, who wouldn’t give her correct name. But I am not to know.. Really, I found out her name by reading her license. I found out her heart listening, to lies.. And yet,, for the lonely who have made life no matter, I found her. So much about her I found love in, but yet something slunk away into a corner to find her.. She seemed so fresh and loving, but the game is easier to real players, the love is as shallow and a performance hidden behind an approaching giant. The larger master showed up , in two days, by the second she had cocaine. And we freebased into three in the morning. And it was my fault she was late to pick up her children. It is to remember,, for her body, was my cruelty, as mine might have been hers. The right height for my frame, the weight of a feather. An hour glass design, and high cheek bones naturally carved and hard to make out from the weakness of body fat to support. Oh so lightly are our lives held when to them we hold ourselves lightly.
She flowed in my arms playing the innocent slowly letting me into the facts as they became pertinent. The ‘Oh I danced there”. Dances, and she was a stripper. Then “I have an arrangement with a man for the phone so you can not leave a message.” The boy bought me an extra line thinking he could keep track of me” for which I only answer when I know the communication or an not sure as in it is a different phone a new number a new person.
My heart wants to cry , wants to feel the loneliness and depression of those years I have past. But can not anymore,, the facts are so telling the tale so long. And with another again they were shared. My list is again the length of abused women for whom I saw the timeless depth. Then was faced. That which a part of me understood and in my hiding equaled for all.. As our hands touched and life lived shortly. The beaming of our faces, transcending you and pulling at us.. Your attentions a thing of cancer as it comes without cure. And you is everyone.
You are me.. Yet seeing the instigation, knowing the sudlities, absorbing social clairvoyance, feeling the chemicals rise and the loneliness fall away , revealing skies ,which just before, were saddened and hollow. We are both to blame, for the same thing. You because you want me, me , for trying to live truth in comparison, which I can not find for your changed character.
Your lieing makes me want to play the same and I am quiet,, and that is the lie, for I am never quiet,, never I don’t let a single sublime interest go astray and see how a moment plays off you and there is my evil.Cause I can tellyou what you don’t see yourself..
Each of my list was intelligent of street,, and remark. Makes me feel I am a bad,, because it is the same sight, I am just reporting though. I see and yet it is just sight, I will not walk the grounds having no power except you wanting me.. And when you don’t as moments pass and I am to quiet or to confrontational to your life,, to real. You are gone like the wind is just the wind, and marks on the soul of desire, and there for decoration ; never seen.
And hours of time pass with only the remainder o f life to lead, bouncing from joy to joy, slowly for the hours have made me so.
I was never to figure joy into life young, only now do I consume what happiness is derived from life.
And so it goes on. The morning is . The thoughts are,, We walk the rest of our thinking trying, to have more time to think. Or at least so I think this morning, When the question of life is raised thru coughing. A piece of blood on the handkerchief, and a world of infinites gets emotionally brought to the front of my list of thinking.
It is a list I manipulate around a lot, but with only limited success.. It is like I can not read the thoughts. My emotional attention devoid of personal Physical objective….. So time for the worst, I forget to clean myself. And I forget the goals of being for which is to be happy. I have so strained life , that to be happy is to accept what happiness I get without all the complexes. Of personal goals. I have personal goals. But the emotion focus is inhibited. As a subconscious reaction to lack of personal love. The hole in self created through lack of real happiness in all I do. People I know and the life I lead outside of these pages,, but even here,, and it is of here that I am talking,.
What is this .. These lines and squiggles on the paper,, so rapid the occasion and so useless in my life. I come home and quietly lock my thoughts into these words.. Lock my art into the self evaluation, when if we are spiritual beings we can not but communicate,, with every action. Like the cat painting, with intent begins the focus to product.. I am still scratching with paint on my paws,, and for what that is I am registering the slavery man himself and achieve in that .. Through that,, to understand and tell,, his complexes through my disparities to a writing career..
Another slavery as comment of editor , as process,, and self style eliminates,, and controls the raw in-spirit-ation (inspiration) and complete new speak. Even now I am having a hard time remembering that I have no real purpose to write here accept self telling, (except self telling) fro which the week has had absence. I had spent the whole week in the tales of doing,, the lifting the work and trying to smile as much as possible. I notice the craft does not make me lazy inside of the writers complex to know.. And so have the confidence of the reporter, the ego of society , after trained in how to know. And there is problems for what I know is made of how I know,, and there is education. For which a collected guidance I do not have, and as my ill-education takes me, so the confidence of true knowledge keeps me. Yes there are people who get paid to do this ,, these scribbling lines. And weigh in to the knowledge of mankind with opinion and clever wisdom. Formulated into intricate plants,,
as I tell of the diner in Detroit with it clearly identifiable stereotype of society,, the waitresses old lady flirting,, from a lonely life of flirting where she could not even understand how a lack of attention creates, a need for not real attention but for a mixture of sexual identification, and stratified use, we use the hungry,, knowing there are hungry ,, but our teeth sink in only as deep as we grant our need satisfied. But it is exactly that for which consumer and consumed register. She can not know what she has never had,, for she could never bee. And I am facing that,, for I can not really feel my hunger. For I am to busy eating lifeless meats and processes.
A fork and knife in the correct spot , just left of the plate , so commonly instilled with limited knowledge why,, and most likely coming to answer with mid-evil tales. Of the sword and the shield. , or maybe it is the walking on the correct side to stop the carrige3 mud from my ladies dress. To guard from thoughts.
It is Sunday,, I am stretching the night again. Smoking weed before bed. A sense of loneliness, completes the mourning of a Sunday.
A television plays distracting images of the young and beautiful. while I age and am seen as a distraction alive, letting the blindness consume or fall away, with words mental stress bares mark. See the treatment of others. Understand the reality within self sight. But I am not going to wait for your agreement.
In casual contact, eyes alight, meeting women, mine sometimes, theirs a lot. I am body and looks. Handsome and with markings around the eyes that suggest; but for which an image is only,, in our times of seeing life more than living it.. For I see you and tell a story no matter, ranging voice into sameness of self. I see myself, and that badness I would be represented in the person I am seeing,, so I am rarely seen,,
And what we would say is sight of us,, as in the claims of sight inner-ly registered,, you are, her is ,, she will be.
These ,, you think of me,, and what is the dialogue,, the hidden paranoia, revealed to me through smoke,, and the way I know when I am stoned,, but these thoughts get obnoxious,, inner thoughts of “ when am I gong to get fired” when there is little to be fired for.. Yet when yo are in the situation. You don’t think the truth and there is my need for change, staring at the television. ,, knowing I am not pay attention while,, I type.. Not really,,
And so a party goes off , and I feel the differences of sates,, Drunk and sober,, Or need and fulfilled addictions cancering avoidance of all things material. Including your hand in mine.
The party, a gathering. A souls ride into thoughts when paranoid,, stoned and innocently loving, a moment making the call to something. Unknown,, there ,, my stare is the ending of communication I am only looking at a passion.. A desire consumes and I want .. There inside this I am animal ,, and less,, than my self respect.
But only because I haven’t any when stoned really. There are the lonely grounds of the love shared with me,, drunks have really been the kindest as the addict loves to have company for Kamikazes.
And yet,, achieve as I would want ,, my ego image sitting with a library and a shelf of books ,, a leather armed desk chair stolen from a television set. For which interest are matched with disparaging ,, of how to get there,, and even self defacing where I am to do it,, behinder to find the forward,,
something is wrong..
I wait casually in a srner of self. walking the right way or not,, limbs lax to follow the orders of the beast,, even through, the beast is also winning a game in obsessions inner played.
I want truth yet rarely cast into this truth,, like I don’t believe we can type our sexuality and still be healthy. I don’t think we can classify race, nationality, or class, and still have peace. Edges separate when agreement dulls us and cause blame instead of reaching a higher order.. The commonness of mans spirituality.
But I am to switch, maybe just the channel. A Vampire slayer fight phony looking beasties.
And a Gathering ,, has voice, and no confinements .. As we set about.. The communications of alcohol.
They add light,, stung between five big trees, four foot radius trunks, tall as the four floor house on the western corner,, A Eight foot fences seperates the land of reality, where the police will come when in the borders of ending arise,
the yard in which the tree sit. Is at least fourty feet wide, and a path has been created , a green house built , another barn type thing, in the south eastern coner. Where the bar, is a red board with holes for two tap of beer, and the band takes up the most space, In a room I cleaned for a tune up on Tara, ( I have told you of tara?)
Interet become to the paranoid , the others sight of him,, to one thought andn his stight of himself,, this could keep one at home,, but no,, he wants to watch,, and the experiment is real. I am watching my reactions in druniness and complete stoner natrue , I am watching the responces slow down, I am invisioning the rapid response to a form and a pair of eyes, and the complete abanonment to humility, I try to remember that to walk is to be inthe steps of your caring,, and forget I am suppose to pay attention,, I remember noting but the furthing of a moment into transfixed nature,, the nature to leave into nonphtysical fantasy, a creted dimention, now add people and we are social. My look one that seperates.
I am thoguht of to be a lover,, when I am never loved,
I am a player,, and I don’t play , but reach where I can,, and when you have never had a caring for the pains one humbles themselves to ,, or donesnt’ as my case and many stubborn people do. I have know little of the pasions purity,, even while I felt it so completely in innocents, four or more times ife has lent to me a focus, for which its hatred of humanity was registered, and the falling after ,, times when you love , and celebrate,, and if you don’t yo are bared from humanity.. Pretend or get off the boat,, wont even hear your yellings for a higher look,, you are out,,
and so the stoner,, drunk, I become is my experiment,, and I watch mywlf change,, it is like the stoy, jeckel and hide or the drunk scene in Herman Hesse “Stepenwolf”. But yet me. I watch as I look to fullfill conversation yet never stop looking very long any where.. I am not satificed and escape question. When all anyone really wants to ask,, I see through my visons, in their eyes as questions. Like “are you all right?”. but know I will only get smart conversations going, yet no one will remember them.
And then I am agian the voice of nothing ness,, I am a clown and kid everyone,, even the biggest person in a child to me. And laughable is violence. For I am already five steps to ready ,, except they call it performance,, and I want to let loose,, in a state where the truely insane get to have there nights of rights.
And slowly the sun descends, growing areas darken, red yellow and blue flash from the plastic lights in time to the cool multi-voiced narratives with binging sounds and synthic brandings, rock music The smell comes from a pig roasting on a spit, such that you look up constantly for the vikings,, who are going to eat it,, becasue you can not remember the last time you saw such.
And it is ,, the first three drinks, and the fist set of pretty yes that have distracted. Eyes connected to sensour organs,, and plaese points,, screaming throughh my thiehs to be joined with me,, I hear, suspended in action, above the Question answer period of true mediocity for forplay. A first stage eternally is a party without reall attraction any where,, and to much on the other side,, I don’t really have time to tell you me,, I am sorry for my own visions of me,, which I am trying to change with my talking to you.. My vision so related to the inspiration I need and live for ,, the muse I respect of myself, lies within you if love is to consume,, I want to stroke you gently,, I want to privitize us,, and make memory a feeling. Like I want philsophy. Like I feel naure through.
“ Yes I am writing when I can” as I stumble with my beer because I know I am not there,, writing instead of being at this party.
Maybe that is why ,, I am bored.. And the exclence of the company is it effect on me,, and there is none,, so I see what I have seen before and the experiment is only a calling to myself to face again the dragon for which I can see the achievenment against,, the “you can not take me down” that I scream bleeding from a juggluar wound. The air thick with more whisky,, and I drink one more to fight off the pain. As the invisible double edged knife blood lets.
But at the same time old friends ask me how I am ,, ask me what I am up to .. And I have little to say ,, except the Website which is little ,, and the self publishing I have been doing on the internet, for which I forget,, but I am thinking about the music I am going to play,,
and more people show up,, the band is an electric drone with beat, and there is little room to dance ,, the new englanders rarely do.
Sitting by the side lines. Disscussing mutual people ideas and personal achievement, I never seem alive to ,as in I would like to talk also, stumbling into little groups,
May 29th 2005.
It is another day. Sunday,, where I thought writing was going to be the care of the day. But I met with a friend and played pool. For which I lost. And the day is gone.
I watch the television. As I smoke, I as write, and turn on the internet. So many ways to distract myself , I need to distract. The commericals convincing me I should turn over my life,, to the market so I don’t smell. Or offend you.
What meaning does this have but to tell me I am offensive.. My thoughts my life.
Do I argue,, do I just bow my head , telling my heart that I am still alright and it is just the being ,, or just the market creating being.. The acts are the same for who you can blame ,, no one.
So here in a natrual progression,, of the mental abdonment. W come to our minimal excahgnes finding retardernts. Minimal as to what is my life living of culture and conscious.,
Auto wrecks ,, the lights for cars,, the shambles I am seeing the careless doctors of auto running,, and being.. .. The coke 600,
the autos runing with gas,, fuck up ,,, solar races only..
And there a change comes the demands of a new day.. Ten thousand sites for consciousness , and never one mention on national television..
And I hid in my room instead of seeing the pretty one in another,, I am insane and know it.. I have denied emotions for to long and to live them feels so illegal to the acked mind.. Criminal even ,, to need,, the quiet must survive,, the hidden must live,, our analysis of reality begins with our selves.. And what caring to cure self.
Oh then the white noise from the compjter,,the televsion,, the images on national televsion, the conversations ,, no mumblings, from the other room. .. My art every where is silent ,, except to look,, the ideas to tell a friend , and to invest with more investments.
But I feel the space I need,, for truth to self. Oh, to care sparks a list of importance’s divided. A whole path is need,,, a natural way at hand.
And I feel the just ness of sistuation. The tales of you don’t like me,, and I am an outcast once for my anger. I do not seem even sane I guess.
It only gets to me sometimes.. Like now.. I feel the difference to path , people outside my door having dinner and not inviting me,, I am no one,, and it is friends,, and never,, it is the people I see beyond to see myself. And it si philsophic. , but it is divided sapce, where are you hunting?
Didvide space,, the area of guilt for which keeps me silent and just away,, I am guilty you know,, because of communication , for which I have a lump in my throat about..Depression or other wise, I have not been able to shake body lice for a year soon,.. And I am a coward.
Each person I touch,, who gets in my car, who lays in my bed, sits on my sofa, lives with me, eventrually, this constant irratation. , though I smoke so much a lot I don’t feel. And I am clean,, so that helps. But my head is guilty and depondant, knowing.. I ma wasting the communication with sorrow self and same,, my head is filed with fantasy, like when I took LSD and had to remember I am on a drug.. She is vison somewhere,, anywhere,, but mostly older women who have left me,, the pain of them my heart not being right, as I wait like the abused chid for someone to tell me,, while I answer the purposes without being told just so I can feel superior when told,, but wait all the same for the voice from consciousness to define purpose as little as possible, and as generous as focus.
So fantasy is inspired, instead of love,, and because of the love .. For desire so romantic, until clinical. I dream of your wife, and your daughter, who I have loved, with different eyes,, and mentioning names gets me there again, for I live in timelessness, and a moment we remember is held emotionally, but what is this slant,, I have turned a little. The National guard car is turning the track untouched.
I had a mental block,,what was I talking about,, I refuse to go back, was I talking sex, the hiegth shared , the magic lived,, what length humanity will go .. To be partnered,, and yet, I can not find a mate,, even as I would turn my mind so much to the qualities of life, and yet, the quality of money seems possessive, when you are cold like me, I guess,
for what interest have I found to make life become my pleasure.
And can you measure your achievements against your world or your lived environment. For I have achieved I feel in the ways of the muse, the ways of self understanding, and the talents of music and performance. I have felt my childhood, and a constant view is the over view,, though that makes me doubtful, and in that I am yet to change, It is not to compair errantness.
I ling for life, like the dreams I watch in eyes looking secure and knowing something together.
I have fallen inlove to many times,, I used to fall in love when the forces were younger, a lot. But then I fell and moved in. And she was everything , the momment past and I forgot to marry her. Somewhere she created,, and I started to imageing other women to make love,, I guess that was safer to fulfill my lusts, it was fantasy while with a fantasy, she was my first real love, We broke up afater I forgot how important unions are. And diddn’t go to a wedding with her.
I lost her soon after.
Another came along, after after after, about three years, and with me then, I was working pouring coffee, and she was southren, and I forgot , in front of her father, during the thanksgiving game of penn and pitt. And that was it.
All the romance we saw,, I created from my truamas, I loved her so much it hurt,, and tried to work harder to make it real for me, I was still in the dream , I guess like now,, maybe,, still.
The fantasy that I could do something with my life, that would be important to the kinds of life that excist. To raise conscious with a through itemization of the wrongs,, that I experience,, the text book of feelings the range of disparities beyond..
But is this writing.. Does it have answers to what where and how.. Or graceful brevity, to inspire others, and I am not sure,, and will only be able to try and live the koas, and write what I have to say when no saying it.
The future is yet today.
So today is another day.
A movie plays, its premise is true.. To a point. And I can not tell which is will.
But divided is science and histoyic morals.
And there reading is the nick cage, reading the Declaration of Independence,
one would rmark on the absence, of acting,
Done in disney, apeall. Prograganda,, with a mission.
But like the film is is assuming the flow of eleven oceans,, or whatever, and everything is starting to look that way, even the acting is just as second rate,, or reall oe was better,, with our cmputer dud, and limited production value in computers,,
but the worst is that if anything is true about a secret government. This could be the worst documentation. Of a truth.
Filled with illegalities. With this couldn’t happens,, like the vedeo in the same room with the Dcoument.
Or the fact that the female lead doesn’t get the idea to ask further ,, and just proceeds on and doesn’t listen , or ask the next question.. How do you see the writing?
So lets get back to the comentary..
Nickolas berates, an encroacher apon the damsel, with a story of the high treason on the masons. Where they were in control of the government,, they say,, nine we masons,, And then ,, “ or so we know. “
listening the rest of the story is a replay of tje re[;au pf a boring hall. Seen it.
Oh and the difference,
nick has the paper and it is here.
That the plot is a different turn.
And they steal the lady that cage gave the document to . .. And now even the dvd gets confused and slows .
Cage has it all.
And here we accept the plot.
,, Harvey Kietel comes in , survivig the bad lt. Thank god.
And not the 911 mistake is a line in diesney,, as an assistant.
Says,, “ ah sir, we recieved a tip lsat week but didn’t do anything”
Sothat was another day.
Today,, thinking about nother ing for some how, one doesn’t need to think as much as feel. The day was a good one,, my mother,, who is the only love I can remember when all else tells me I am alone.
A feeling is marked, with it’s actions. I smiled during the mroning for just hearing Mother tell it like it is.. A fact I figured out long ago. A mother with two children ,, alone at birth with the second. It is the first time I have recieved a letter in years. And no communication since chrsitmas. And the day excisted with the outside of being,, the reality we live with, thinking our lives as not so alone.
So here we stand. Knowing love is the only chemical able to support life and inspiration. It has been all my life I have been looking for the obvious, but without another to support what I think. As in I have walked the earth with the friends I am loyal to, but mostly , for you can ask little from friends, really. And nothing of the troubles floating in my mind..
And what has been the life.. I have often pined away years, drunk or between drunks, in a cab as the driver, cring all night for the pain I am to another,, I cried like there was no reason to be live another day.. Each love and there were acouple, drained me of persaonality, I was a chamleon trying to hold on to life but the intellectual strings found in Sufferance. For love seemed beyond me,, and still I know the growth is only acceptance, and letting go. It is feeling the difference of life with and without love.. So today I spent different ,, I felt quietly that I was respected and loved by my mother.. Is that weird,, is not it proof of being. .
And so tonight I sno different than last but a moment to celebrate through this statement, it enough.
I keep wanting to tell the story of my life, like there is such as could be told . For all the little nesses,, I have hidden, or feel I have hidden , the lives I entered without my own, for I was an imagination, and situation turned into television even if it was live.
In that I was watching, or so I thought. Most of those days were long ago. When life treated me like was a wounded child, trn and left on the streets, when I was elightened and beyond them. A profit counting the hours, like eventually is a moment yesterday.
Escaping reality with ease, for the practise was life once. Trained and talented I could walk outside like a child does, clinging to the hours of one day,, and know the answers as advice for the wise. While the answers we outside body, and the high was inside to keep company and give seclusions ever after. Early I would run with theater, escape, I would sing in chorus, escape, I would walkk to the mountain, or sleep in the golf course, I would dream and smoke, or stumble drunkenly minding the twin vision wasn’t the principle because I wasn’t at school. Or the next car, not a killer waiting for the right moment.. A fourteen year old drunk, on a little traveled road, at a quiet time of day.
Just like me. Early, when people gave me attention. Late night , when the world sleep, Attention for which lent me to think I was special and beyond even farther. Raging in the One day and how all will be, sort of ,, because I thoguht only with some aristotractic attention.. Experiencing what is mine to enjoy and take fault with,, humoriusly. For I was a slut. And late night men would buy me drinks and I would drink them under the table letting them do what ever didn’t hurt. And I drank more..
Fourteen with an id. Imagine.. I started a paper route swirling a drunken cloud.
Fourteen was an age,, fourteen was the year a step father stepped off. And everyone felt alittle lighter.. Mother brother and I ,, yet,, I was all about pay back,, and there was none , I would have gone off and killed him willingly,, carried that for a lot of years, also until . Like the staying of sanity , the weight fell away. Don’t hold me to it,, as I smoke a cigerette,, and light a joiint,,as I watch televsion,, and wait on the internet for a women to call.
The white noise giving to extra disattentions, the denied to survive stuff,, I didn’t hear about the old lady getting beat up in her house until death do we part.. And I heard it ruined my dinner,, then like when I walked up to some street living Vetrens at the top of the subway one day,, one of them was down,, laying on the ground , his friends over him, and I really thought something was wrong,, and rushed up,, and couldn’t figure out how to see he the man on the ground was alive, I just stood there looking panic ridden and needy, enough that one of the others,, leaned down like were we in a war area,, his eyes, looking at me ,, “ you stupid newbe” and he placed his first two fingers to the jugglar. And pronounced the downed man , as alive. The old lady story, made me remember how little I can do. As I ate my dinner.
I sat dwn here tonight just because I remembered to .. Apart of the other projects I am sticking fingers in,, is myself,, a part of the clay of being is grown, another survived, yet,, other projects are coming closer,, and oblagations. Ideas,, are abstract and numberious,, I want to just tell them and let the world think of them,, or I don’t and want to have the illusion of my own ablity of years on the planet to do them all..
So times I want just to be a Cam man,, like I would masturbate for money,, it would be fun for an hour maybe,, so shallow I am,, Or I now see, more of, I am a sex addict like a drunkard miming druggy, tell me your name little girl and I will with you make love,, feeling the hights of your soul to climb through your skin in heat,, Testing my own rites, hovering hands through the curves of the lower back , never touching except where the heat collect,, then test with small touches,, increased to fine moans,, my lovers knowing to let go , and I would always,,there were forever mine to cover up the whole my suicide has made . My survive has claimed,, and my growth entails to knowledge. Freedom is the living . But yet what stroies does this lead,, fourteen..
Oh yea.. That was the year,, for walking up the mountain,, the year I felt the presence, the first time I noticed the eath moving,, before I thought it was just the over heard and we never moved,, , seven I guess,
The first years of shadow s moving at night,, the first year of intoxicating dreams which some have still never left me,,
, my be thatwas the first years of tasting slowgin fizz, maybe,,
The mountain side, prayed over the susuphana valley,, and years before three mile island happened,, that was the last summer for the step father also.
My mother wrote me.. I was quiet and pace ful today.. I like that ,, but it is hard to go from ,, “ok, it is my mother” to ,, “damn fuck en christ spit in soup”.. About something..the love hate,, what we need, and what is there..
It is today a Sunday,, and again to the written page, where not in my journals with ink pen and lonley writing time,, we are herre walking the hours of life, and while the earth seems changed somehow slowly ,, the winters getting the summers getting,, I am a paranoid,, but the is consciosness getting the final straw a straw for which there is no coming back. Unless acknowledged. I sit here the wounded immoral child in a room of historic. And no one see the writing,,,,, and when I read I am funny, such that people would laugh to tell the truth,, and it seems impossible,, but then it continues,, and I wonder why I care when I am just dependant on civilization as much as anyone. Civilization that lets and drives people away from natural feeling.
So here we come to define natural feeling ,, and I think the term changes with each equality with technology, but when we don’t change with each equality or the equality of our change goes in the wrong direction.. Like the question of cigerettes compaired to the gobal warming trend caused by more industry in third worlds, a capitalistic castrophbe, such that we formed huge ad campain for one and do nothing for the other.. So here we are,, one created division innerly with the petty hatred now for smokers, when before it was for communist,or abortionist,white people seem to thrive in a hate culture and I am tired of it.
I believe human nature rises with each self social discovery,, that we change to feel the connection with the all in daily movements,, like the way we treat each other, and I foster a change just like you do to me..
But my truama have made me and for its cure I relie on my words.
So here while I smoke,, I write what comes into my thoughts,, the planning is not civil the rise in art almost illiterate. And happy to be so outside.. And alive,, then plastered into the forces of civil lies and denial.
So here we are I am getting stoned,, I am tripping the outer self. And holding on to the nature to escape for the consciousness is there,, and without it our art sufferes. But as I pull from the joint , I try and pull for life, the elements working in reverse a lot but that is to come to fully understand. But can I, Know and not know?
Another day the fantasy is alive in the coolness of a cellar,, I am to be fixing , and I am to romance my lust for. Very causiously intreging self to come understand to mirror, I hav eto feed it treates,, Alittle joy at the closer to the heartness, and the preeversion of something I have walked away from before. The complexities. And yet the years go on..
Have you ever just told you self this is worthless, the hidden lusts behind offered innocesence.
And where should we start,, interests here are far from real.. Every offer is with strings misunderstood. Like Why am I still in boston. Why does the cd sit on the shelf and why does it feel so hard to live ,, and the joint goes faster,, and sobriety is a high.. And addictive, I had some and wanted more,, but the facts of rebirth are only the continuation of path,, and spirals work for me,, I learn and relearn until I feel it.. Then it is not such a step to say it is done.
But who am I to kind, I ,, like that is the course ,, it is we, we learn with feeling, as god is feeling.
In stronger and stronger the muse. And maybe the muse is ego. But not when true,, there alone art is innocense, and positive
Taken from a recent journal.
So with an unsteady hand I remember last night, taking forty dollars from construction money. And drunk it fast with my roommate. Who started to tell me how I was acting for which cast me off into more drinking, faster, a women gave me attitude , told the bartender , I smiled as he told me,, but anger and anger.
I am not drinking to be around people , I am drinking in insanity, Wondering closer to the edge of law again Sowly wile I have so much to lose and nothing.
But what is lose but change, what is law and why have I been drinking.
I am still running from emotions. ?
I can not say, the heart has been so alone, all its life, fear makes me drink maybe I am finding the bottom everyday, in loves I don’t have ,, the bills which take my labors leaving me with a car , a home and an outside feeling. I smoke and drive people away, I smile sometimes. When the first world social order completes denial.
I Pause from the journal..
It is another Sunday,, the weekend has gone I have worked little, but enough is to keep going the wroks premise ,, to get done someday. It is late,, aws ten oclock can be, on sanday,, the day gone by saying hello. To some of the adventures escape,, namely I have gone , visiting a friend. Gone as in Past today it was done,, and gone as in sitting listening to anothers life after telling what little truth I find in mine, gone as in believing the fantasy for a second to believe in hope of the day.
So today has played out and now is done, and I was today, a plumber an artist a musicacian forming a band,, a lover from afar, a human all the while it was hot and to have sex is the closest I can come to define the humitity,, like a womens warn out lips the fourth time,, our juices so mixed she is either coming or the spittle is just coming out wetting her ass,, to day was the sweetness of being common and alive.
Butthen rating the day defeates commoness. It was a day, but even as it is late , I am doing the worst to strech the hours til tomorrow. Though I had such a time as to watch tomorrow come knowing to day was.
Maybe tomorrow I feell the love comeing that is on it was,, hopefully,, if not an nother mirage. For I have in pen pal ing met another her p0ictures I ahve seen. lousy pictures but a whole women,, thin enough pretty enough,, and what loving the touch is , what eyes the love wants ,, will show next week and I watch the time go by while staying committed to the forces of life,, and yet whet is she ,, a plan ,, a student martyred to civil illregularities with grades, two more years till a masters,, and what love inspires the dream of loving.
I need to feel. For so long I am quelling the pain with porn and wrenching my head against wall inadimit,, as I love you walking down the street..
Other project as walking toward me,, this week will make extra for a meeting with a contractor. I feel the pieces coming together, as in I am not sure where they have always gone to and wonder if they will come again.
As in I saw a movie ,, betty blue,, I was inspired by loves like hers,, the eyes that speak to me of support and reconition if only to improve the self vision of lovers. They loved me cause I loved them. They stop loveing me when they realize how alone I have always been ,, and the sick are left to there dieing..
Taken From Notebook with spiral bindings upper..
So it is morning ,,
I might be dieing
age creeps, but my fault
have come to grasp
my throat, to feel the truth.
Lets me , feel the inspiration .
And the faith
So years have moved
to reach beyond statistic birth
I feel the change of time.
Finally we are weeping
if america is lead
by the rich fascists,
the immoral minority,
powerful corporate interest.
But why ? Because we have proof.
But welcome the next time,
where we define
as a world orientated government.
And yet, if bush wins, we will see the real plan, behind mr.bush , with regard to corporate buisness.
If he stays , we will finally learn the big picture toward personal freedom, and domestic harmony.
We will see the final plan of republican leadership for education and welfare.
When schools are hard pressed to stay open, becasue of budget cuts, because of a defiscit which makes states cut , wheich makes towns and cits cut..
We will finally find out that the world with irrated muslums , first , but many to follow. We will see the rise of crime because education is failing to train and change jpeople for the better. Wo whats up? Who cares we will eventually learn the truth and deal with it.
Written September 25th 2004
and that was then..
And then morning,, what is not,, the beach is there over the edge of of the woods,, for what has been is .. Back in boston,, waiting like clow death, or like the future, depending on what now is I guess, the morning is ,, with trees and a partner from boston,, a partner who is , has been, will be,, a talkive extra,, like his ways spoil mine alittle,, but the goals of being seem to attract him. Like mesquitos to the smalll waters, foul is the effect of there birth ,, We , ahave gone to the beach on the nintiy degree days of this June 26th or so..
A camp ground is much more ,, for some,, some have moible homes, stationed forever on the twenty three dollars a day. Spaces,, some for a day or the rest of your life,, it works. People are people still, the life rises and fall, just heree, as steven puts on his shoes,, and survays the next act.. ,the battery. On the lap top is about done,, yet,, the trails of words don’t really stop.. Like the need to be can not have controls ,, and I have been loosing respect fore life,, when mechanically surviving.. Life the last few moneyh to the last year.. Minding I started to work almost a year to day, of this week in boston.
July 03, 0300 hrs.
A day has passed alittle like all the rest and a newness sorted against it parts. The tales of Where have you been after being known and gone. The little red headed girl who found troubles passion through misery. Who lies to stay alive, and remorses so much that the lies are life , and she seems to cry through her guitar,,a step song writing takes.
And just one, more? The boy genius wildlife survier. So in tune , selling weed and playing tunes while no one listens. All the time waiting for someday. The rememberance will fade and a father will be gone with the side long open dead stare, a puddle and a slacked stiff wrist. The remembrance around of life and addictions, the last look before cops and violent tweleve year old tears. Soaked up through the guitar’s silence for other. “ I want to go to the store yet no one will go and I don’t want to go alone.” the walk , two blocks. His last love passing with limit hello, like a women who could not stay around forever or change to fit the love she had secured. Side and downward looks. Her innocense more shield, his resolve turned to conviction. He spices “hello” with a turned lover even now. Tortured as love has chained him she can be only There in the distance forced facing daily the child of his rage decided. Smoke billowing from his bag, the 0pipes dealing to his life. She moves into and out of his sight following her form everywhere, the told story over and naked on the street.
But then even, I get for told. A women in eyes I have looked into completely to the secret and unknown. A women who will or not ,, does or does not feel what I would for her. Touches my heart of other days, far away .what was said and how it was between us left. My last touch for the first again, She writes down my number on my shoulder, to have connection without feeling every movement of her, each time to touch,
and night takes me off.
the stars come full observation,
limited street lights to the country air,
Here is different life to easy
it comes to boredom and ever where is better.
We all have good lives simple,
there where we know where it is.
Twilight and tales.
So with an unsteady hand I remember last night Taking 40 dollars from steven his construction money. And drank it fast, while treating another to match. Who started to tell me how I was acting. Casting me off more drinking faster , a women gave me attitude, told the tender I was bothering her, I smiled as he told me ,, but anger and anger, wuiet and silent waiting , the killer without blood, who paints to much in red.
I am not drinking to be around people , I am drinking in the insanity, Wondering closer to the edge of las,, slowly while I have much to lose and nothing. What is lose but change, what is law and why have I been drinking..
I am still running from emotions, though those are the visions of me mirrored..
Is that ego or idea? Are they the same in some fashion, Idea,, to be a writer artist ,, the ego to think that I could matter,, the ego,, to remember only the self when thinking about conscious,, self as aligns with nothing so as to remember simplistic happiness.
It is another day.. \
for few moments I can with lighting hands type this,, paragraph,, type before lights out ,, type with nothing to say,, as that is the classic of all.
So it is smoke and relaxing, telling fingers the speed in matter and course is tidal. Obnoxious,, ,, I sit in a Vermont field watching youthful late twentie,, play with swings,, push push push the height, the speed ,, the jump..
A floor of dirt the softness,, the earth kinder than civility,, the day awaken more by the test and trauma, inventing for theme selves what life has spared them,
are you the savoiur because you have pained me pure..?
You have cured me of romance and determined stillness to be infection,, for a determined simple sight of savage advantage
So as a survivor ,, I am cured ,, ,,
go brainwash others more able to react.. I have been docile and determined to kill myself well without you ,, such that you apologize to me with money to keep me quiet,, knowing the bottom is bed and break-fast,, would sell soul for security.
Up gone and away..
Soon the battery will run out and the hands will move this or that to come back.. But in love real love we can transend even our subconscious,, and tho her eyes are on many women, I know it comes feeling the arrival,, is realizing death ,, like it has always been ,, except only in fantasy and experience experimental.
It comes and I would with a dieing hand remember the historic nothing life has no doing of; but is, a art’s representation.
So it is now the battery is well charged, the money sorted into bank accounts and promises of work next week. It is only to survive for the next few days,, asking myself to go or stay ,, asking the gods which movement will take me to where I want to go. And less on who to blame,, I walked away from civilization to be here,, here the trees,, and I am at home with time like they talk in the aged voice which winks as answer and knowing grand father all is right. In a sond I will smoke.. And a second later I will ask the gods to lead,, for I know I am confused no matter how I go. The faith must lead me,, I fell away from civilization,, to be here,, leaving the voice I have in the city which is part of a million that sing within the clamor.. So the voice is only to partisipate within the voices. The silence with the silence. And a knod gives us to understand each other.
So here I am trying the silence with words,, asking to produce from me the might to realize a moment..
I am in the vermont country side.. A well built half A, with about five feet to its back wall, and a slanted highth of nine feet.. With and exposed fron,, the forrest is just beyond , with thick with trees, and birds who call out in different pitches to wake the world or just mate,, or give warning. It is day..
And we sit, watching the torches used in Hawanian camping, burn slowing the oil in them. Heat waves with smoke. A high flame on one of the two. To ward off mesquetoes which are popular here. I hid with the smoke and my lust,, for that is the desire to live.. And the way I got out here.
It really started on a Wednesday in the early night,, after work,, after cleaning up,, after sitting down for the evening waiting out the hours till the next day, like the last as I played the part of construction worker.. As I swung the hammer to no tune and couldn’t ring out anything. For the tired ness was getting to me,, the lack of time against the bills I was , without control, creating. A bill I could tend to ,, the absence of purpose for existence,, the habit taking over,, the brainwashing reaching for security beyond the human response of being. Being is larger and more studious then civility understands,, and of course , for that, one is seperated, into allowed personal time,, escapes into nature when it is an escape from nature is civility.
So a Wednesday after,, is the continual fight for the presence of being to return. Oh if only for an hour ,, pulling out the guitar,, living freedom of music,, timeless and romantic,, interests amassed in water colors and clay,, sitting around a Room. With me looking for the remote ,the escape into what is allowed,, without to much adjustment of system,, the human is to travel weather the body comes who cares.. The spirit’s an equal to it’s mental being.
I masturbate, with great fantasy, the women lover who would come to me,, in truth sharing the escatasy and weeding,, I would only marry the same as myself, who isn’t to let the morality of the unloving to foil my own. Touch is transcendence,, and I give myself to a spirit what is in another,, somewhere but has a million faces until holding my hand. Some door to fantasy as I disconnect that it is me,, and she is with slitted eyes feeling love,, she is with the gods and plainly she is my religion ,,till it is her holding my sex , licking tortures to my nerves,, reaching to feel the energy, she is warm there ,, pulling my hands to the muscles,, touching delicate combinations fleshing out flow the water beds tidal-ness. Of her alone,, and never two are alike ,, and sometimes I fear,,only one will truly meets your hand,, of the same faith,,
and she is gone,, no longer do I remember her out loud as inner screaming cryings rivers, undamned and daming. Know longer a self spiritual proof ;the fantasies physical nature,, for as I remember ,, I remember to well, and must stop.. For there was the road to a poet in the wind ,, as I have mentioned of swinging feet, and unaccepted love.
So she is vision.. And dream,, she has a light skirt on to let me in,, she has a smile that tortures others who are not close to her,, and the tightening of muscles is so obvious that jealousy can not help but tighten themselves for the attention unbecoming to their presents.
Its is not force and she lives to touch me as I her,, it is to escape ,, and it is to be,, knowing the sharing we know magic. Having equal unity in lead, follow, lead. For we have decided together road,, and what walks and survives is creation.. And she knows I will get her to be our creation, though the closeness to birth I can not ever go,, fouled into man-ism,, but I have the sword the idea,, the strength and the drive,, when we should have my back ,, and be my caring.
Spinning hands through pants waste lines, waist and wondering wheather will is willing. Forever a touch ,, a motion toward each muscle, and dividing. the intrestes to one,
her moans small tight sticottoes. Breathed in. Out caught like the ponds deep wasn’t really knowing to the smiler and to tire is to envelope the soul
. A hard member is the dilation of all energy. Trantic and out of body. So her eyes are not far off, laying slowly face to face,, the known realized beyond the dream , beyond science and of god.
Tweleve top men or the glass city.
Scene one Party Birthday
Scene Two Hero’s inner control room
Scene Three Phlya’s room the fix
Scene Four Just us justice court
Scene Five Pain Reaction.
Scene Five A Hall
Scene Five B The door
Scene Six Neon Glass sculpture studio
6b the working computer.
6c the techniction “see the live writing”
6d Emergancy door with self welding frame
Scene seven Inner shelter hall.
7a Carmer Survailance
Scene 8 the pc port
scene 9 Meeting the commune
Scene 10 Concuncil (two weeks til vote)
Scene 11 Sterialization
11a assigned box
11b “the compter inside”
Scene 12 tech enters Hero control room
Scene 13 Hero “PC” communzism
13A trail underground Order to die
Scene 14 Tech trys to show Proof to ?
Scene 15 Proof stole
Scene 16 Proof returned (covert friend and the one who stole it.)
Scene 17 tech goes to control room followed and attacked almost raped,, saved by the thief friend
Scene 18 tech and thief escape patrol by going outside the walls , where we see the new construction gong on the horizen.and kiss?
Scene 19 Hero caught between walls
19A finds food a drop of blood for water, and vit pills
19b finds others who demand blood Voilence. Everyone (there are fifteen ) on Pcp like drug, toxic state for hero
scene 20 thief makes deal with same judge (more because more friend know)
To culminate with Hero pulling heart from opponent. Phyla tossed the first coin.
Scene 22 Tech cannot find Hero trys to get into control room?
22a seduces guard gets time in control room to find secret instructions ,, veiws the pit comes on the monitor a second viewing of rigpping out the heart.
22b tech finds hero crying on the floor in shallow light
Scene 23 gets judge to repeal ruling for a price and hero is rescued
.his knowledge of power and usage complete he rises form the pit the ruler he know he is.
Scene 24 Hero kills amber Phyla and covers it up
24 b Hero kills judge and covers it up.
And looks toward the next construction.
Another day to sit. And sit, is to muse. With captiol t’s, and jesting, for aloof a thought comes to natural and a day often demorsed before the fall, when just as we look
we might squint.
A room devoid of me in a state park in vermont, a pay fee here sign, looks from the house wife, with my heart in her before we speak I will not. Tomorrow another day to see trees which lean,
Truth echoes kindness? As absorbed we are,, I am ,, waiting out my importance to leave. When looking does to often,
travel away into the being of another like that is your day,, being lead with jokes drink , and joints,, as I lead myself , the self doubt, and failed innocents for whcen words first enscribed themselves to my head, I ran to throughts unrehersed and without plan, chaos ,a lack of faith, is.
Just when it is worse is what defines the extremes,
, some would say and all inside move to,
unless our world is without civil meaning
the brown and green themes , reminders,, and inspriational and sexually charged, return to nautre, appreciate for a monet , you are alive, and no matter the facts, you are all right.
Fishing yesterday , yesterday, the dusk fading to an enduced black and white,, creting an off in the distance small black bridge to a mysterious channel. A middle summers humind dusk spell. the horizen.’s grey shy’s nightly planning, with a cloak of trees to either side the dark water body. A canon there I sat. And watch a placitic ball bound on water, or not.. Ketching nothing, but having two murder scenes , as I pounded the cannon with its head, four then five six. Blood splatters everywhere, and the fish is seeing you , where are you from it says,
have you been here all the time and no one told us,, are you the ogd,, I have been told would create more ninnows, if I would only repent and redeman my equaltic shitting behavoir,, the minor princes like to have it nearer their holes, but you don’t care,, and now neither do I .. ,, you Are the god,, I have hear of..but you will never kill me,,, I am going out but it is only because you have hands,, and some knowledge of wasting your contribution to nature. For who is higher,, oh I remember,, the virus,, ha
ha ha ah ah ha ha ha ha ah ah l…. ha ah,,
And only the stare which never look away,, even in death you see only that fear of the dark. .Wide eyed like a blaming chald.
Born of the muther see,, like you,, as you cast off the body for the mercury levels are to much to even consume the spirit. So you burn them, and known you want to go the same way.
Make me think I am going to dinner,, and get it over quick.
Wood picnic tables,, but of course I have to find a women to look at,, and to describe her would be tomuch,, and not as interesting.. Because I have often had trougble describing thins ,, objects become that which they are not, and I look with the amazement of a guilt of loveing, from the unwatered pasion of my uncontrolable and feel able to see beyond,, as she knows there is something we’re suposed to do..
And I stoned and stationed in the roots, of timely by sitting at the computer,, waiting for the cell phone, and whe is and her husband is, and it is not to claivoantly tell, or only is , even as it is just a day, and a set of eyes addressed. , one moment is all. For the yearning, A day with light for the blind , a seond of meaning for the confused, a gift of love from the devine. , a wish answered, yet it is funny for all I feel.
And the reason ,, for the words without plann, a ?wife ? Of a man,, while tending a flock of chidren in a brown bikni, quick and quit I stolen a glance, like for me it was sin to look, so over taken by her frame ,, and a structure I adore was her,, but to really see her would have,, been to much ,, so I didn’t portray what I felt, alleast I had hoped, for then I was confused, the setting sun of a humid day. A Wife mother daughter attached,, as I pushed the cannon into the still water, the keel gratting the stones, warm water on my cheaply sandled feet. Hard plastic making marks which turned to sores later.
I was quiet to the effect, seeing her grow smaller out of my distance, tuned to reveal the world rising into a mist of humid passions. While Mosquitoes danced on the late day haze. And here and there a weakening fill of orange to black or green to black, to finally blackness with lights,, distant but ever there.
And she just drove in… .. And so,, it is the same time at night , and the river will be the same I will go there,, she is a dream of no one,, her brown hair in a ponytail, her husband walking around the car,, her stoppin and loooking away so I can look like Proust in the forrest, and a misread vision of the lonely or the unfullfilled feeling each others sight accrossed the rooom , but here fomr is still my wanted schulpture,, my high and touch.
And the angles hear , that my deire is only eaquled to the day and escape of nature and in the pure and temptless, for it would be a momet for two. As one can not. A giving of totality, , I watdh her,, when I can ,, thinking about her form, seeing it outlined in a loose shirt whcih does not hid, what is just hers. And I type,, so many the moments, where love is just there,, there with another, there without me,, for the fiath I feel,, I am not sure,, it is almost a madness to feel at all, I just like to live eaach for the humanity,, but I am unpure,, ??,,
I am the fountain of youth.. And guard the entrance with each purpose and ablity. .. To know the moment becuase length and breath are to long. And can be beaten burned and given back to energy, like a poet hang who hangs on a sudden breeze.
I am not paying attention angain, the sorrow is creeping into my soul. Last night I stole a painting I am greived by I love it. It is marked wth the calling of expression alling me into the middle of dreaming.. I look and see engeries,, and tellling. Waht are the effects of “depression” the asking of natrual responce to civility. Who talks the loudest must be heard.
So what am I telling what am I hearing the television using ads on a baby dealing company.
On the show marketing urban culture.
So here we sit the dis approved the trashof man, the drunkard, the me,, here where I could never answer the focus with the holds demanded,, each movenment linear and when I escape it looks so distant,, the self doubt the no when I am like this ,, talk, the late night echoes of crazy criminal activity, where I love without me,, without logic,,with a self loathing, which scorns me. And for which the mirror is the cause and the cure. Misery is to be gone. This body and time must live the future I intended ,, to stand and fight for the voice unknown and constantly conversed. But never in arts forced explaination.. There wherre we grow must be the heart and mind finding the faults of human excistance,, and answers. The proofs of out of body nature and nature that is stifled my human systems. We are beyond ,, we must admit it..
From astrology to human awareness, we are of space and timelessness, to no see is killing the earth.
So as one voice I must see through the hardships that have made me.. I must to many have died. And those are just my frineds who took in their hearts the ways to give and hold.. I feel like each of them I have failed the callings of not being apart of my life, the callings of drugs,,
And the unattached being. I roar for spirit and lose in the physical. The balence is eliminating doubt with action and acceptance.
So here I am I can create a magazine and have a talent for entertainment. As it would effect with quality. It is just management. But it is not to be let go.
It is not to be dismissed.
The time of man demands the answers of natural responces,, humanity has been blessed with innocents and intuition. A far reaching voice of being , a natural form of physics.
And it is not of me to say else but it excist,,
I am not any but a man ,, small with telling of being.
Stumbling, through our own understandings naturally,, our survival in innocense, and plant like evolution of being.,
It is to be..
From the time of being far from here the endings are the beings to be.. One society still involve the natural being . Or many but as a being it is create in heart and among all societies.. But there is the society of mind. Eternal. And of that our future must enlighten the present.
Sometimes with much strength of life. I can clearly see, the focus of humanity is its savoir.
The plan is nature.. And we worship it in the end. To direct being.
In these words I know the truth comes,, it is not me to say them and yet all I have to say, all this life or life can give is the being.
Sould I look out to the forces that have made the stanch determination of being and the livelyhood for which I must take . I am not sure,, as creating is living, the history a mirth of preceptctions understanding. And the tale a moment to see love fully.
. And yet what of the messenager,, and am I.
Except to walk do we know.
So what wind binds
tide guides , on mis laid plans
so voice is risen.
Casting lostness to body , function dis-laid, of equal to spirit, and techonolgy. It is to know not what I say, to cast adrift into the spheres of grammar,, and the asking of spelling,, alone.
nothing means more,, casting self to the movies, while I write, and ask home inside, the dream.
You understand that it is a making of my doubt,, and which would ask out of invisiblity, the clamoring wake , of future’s imagined self . This determination for the, willing,, to ask of self cure,, to see the reasoning plain and undeniable,, but the arguement become the problem, the human nature to weaken, easily,, the pained will. Lost to self definition,, getting used and proven in charater, there our humanness, make desire..guilty motive.
A trust must be with the innocense, that unity under corrected terms
not foul the land or race
with powers temptings,
, that is why some know and some don’t,,
And the so day rises again for the darkness. But day or night interests move me to see the clamoring of me against the reality. The clamoring of betterment. Oh where can I stop and start again with the past chassing me to death. I had a dream of my mother leaving the message on her answering machine that she was gone and leaving no address. I turn on the televsion. Five oclcock in the morning is the time of news. And the time of quietness other wise, I look in side my room to make the maorning to try and sume up what is me. Even as I know each “I” is wrong. Each “and” each dis placement from point equals an intentional waste of space? An illeducated trait of me.. Me is wrong,, of course it is me.. Sitting here writing.
I have one hour before I have to go to work.. This me.. This man created of the last fourty years of American policy. Blame is not to be romanced. Blame is a cost of law to make any statement. But to see this world that has happened to me,, for it is not opinion that I was Beaten as a child. It is not the sensitivity of my mental conditioning that matters to others. You want story to keep attention. What limitedness mental paths have for you. You my un culutured mass. My readership, my friends.
So to humanity I would cast the moments that have made , this , this skin and heart , this mind and fantasy. But to wrap up a life , like foustus did, not of himself, and maybe that should be for me a third person view.
It is early in the morning, tired eyes look up from a sound sleep to the pitch darkness. Afirst moment of knowing.. The plan before the fourteen year old, a responciblity, he is a male chid. And as he rises he doesnt think about the years pass this momment or how manytimes in the future he will repeat this feeling, tired waking knowing the plan, for which he just has to walk , for the plann is bigger than him and he is just a cog. A first waking to a first job.
I have not written all week. I have spent the week smiling at my worn arms, enjoying the time I have had. Maybe I can I think. And I don’t the world is away,, the heart alone inside..
the days years go on, each asking of self the time. The self.
Alone as chistchild logic spreads constants into solitude.
A time unloved, because love is a happy testimonial. No.
Yes, I am confused,, to admit anything..
As somethings are alone.
And cast that way.
After many years the idea of writing, comes like a calling. And a sacrifice, A perfect fit, but fitlessly created, a minor of time to create the future of .. Self. and yet.
When the heard is beyond ears, and blindly present in every classic image and rightly considered, The magic voice in dostosky, ,, The intuition, in Hemingway, Spiral voices of prayer in the world of Jobe, or Jesus,
a voice inside , timeing lifes religion of conscious state,
a simple conversation which proposes responsalbility.
And it is that one which requires of the dream to make means mean.. Courage is life ,, I should hear from the begal man from tweleth grade english. Courage. The most important virtue. And I agrued it was intelligence, but there is no one,, but courage is first on my list but just after my devotion to life. For that is a stumbling with smiles and joy in trees, squirrels and papers floating with the wind in swooshes,.. A women’s eyes , a pets geature toward me. The way a friend tells a tale, the way a life is woven from scraps. In captured images and feeling is posession.
It is August and the summer is heating to it’s end.
What life has sat me here.. For which I can not make into a right or wrong., I am not sure why,, maye because I can not see right or wrong , now. I am looking at what is, the man or beast. I am, the quality of human from under my sights. Of me,,
the sites which excist with humor and hardship. With time delaid sound track, um making my sconsious comtrol. And clmplteteion. I am not handsome but watch my mirror ness, my video ,loaming televsion. Popping zits thorugh qualitive conscounsness relavances ,As I sit and talk to myself. Of other tales un mine but made in my vision.
The human species casts love back into the being.with television. Sight made us..
For fear driected our evyes and eventurally the responces.
I moved with the wind and knew the rains from sent. For I saw the creature, I ate, or ran. Seeing the creature, my delights to repeat.
So what moves you to day, moves all to inert areas of sensitivity, humanity is cats swinging at insects. Yet.
What is health , would be expressed in the repeativeness history commands its people.
Awareness of the mirror as the mirror, moves fantasy to the first view.. Eliminating the middle man, we ask for the pulse of color swurls, if we care to ketch up the understanding chaos promotes,, yet under represents. For the dragon comes the dawn.
I maybe wrong ,, could there be no connection between facts and faith. Yet to mention sees the implanted visonary comment of god.
When nature is what could be,,
Yet to realize,, while hints seem everywhere , demanding attention , as attention does demand,, gazing at the televsion while I write,, and nature rules my fingers for I will ,to let be civility. Joy exceeds greed.
Stop edit. Delay the obvious, kind prejudice, interested seeking of obvious, mathematic beat, and swelling, turning innocent, and yet..
I ask fault, demanding the obvious. But to expect to tell, to linger over one point. small and so me.. Is a timelessness of focus, asked and received, a knowledge unexplained like love,,
could be knowledge. So focus, and the manipulation, is the key ,, for I am constantly involving myself in a battle I am to understand slowly like the statements are undefined and yet known, like the truth of your hand is looking,, then cutting it up. And looking,, so we jog , or I jog, I can not be alone in this ,, asking and learning,, magic and technological effect spirituality makes of an energy mixing into perspective, knowledge into knowledge given to understanding felt finally , somewhere on an island of solitude, slowly achieved and never to end.
.. Of a timeless creation in the time of humanity,, where once we were happiest as trees..
The fallen gods. Come home..,
To reveal truth is to live inside ones own,, but truth is not given just to the saint but held in every heart, and searching,, casting aside what has been for “ want is , never leaves”,
.. I make sex videos to remove the scent of family,. What masturbation gives, I can not shake, maybe asking myself to be alone, to learn learning I think, but alone not to be restricted by another’s slow pace, that care to up hold thoughts paths and renegade.
No matter how fantastic. I feel them wholly.
The scarred humans which join themselves to my bloodline,, un-renounced, but yet to come with me,, as man creates himself.. And the survival is to be felt, death on a stick my Russian-ness, drunk to the day my Irish-ness, a lively entertainer to my Libra ness. A Violent escaping laughter from a scared cheek seven year old who reddening an adults palm.
The humor is the need so simply fulfilled. As we march billions strong.
A scape goat to time,, here where the mention of distance brings about wars to shut us up. The obviousness of WTO rallies, and the 911 plan. Secret money straight to our legacy. As distant media upholds orders and order. Wrold war for the world control. Eqaul sided planing”
“The president has been shot” until Hollywood comes to the rescue and sells it back again,, like if we buy it it is just fad, creating an obvious underclass of losers who listen. So disregarded is any point beyond the end of your noses,, no it is not up to the voices of Tantric. We have separate mind and body enough. We are the growth from the focus television inspires. Where none else could. Consuming lessons. Understanding that we are seeing our dreams lived, and try to know what we are living, in comparisons.
Funny , simple and true,, yet,, what I hire is him who knows.
So the voice of disreason is demanded,, tell me what paths come to ,, what innocents I can avoid and grow from,, as documentation, for each world realization is a moment passed in time,, like the edited words of men during the addvent of the catholic pope who procliamed the world round.
So each movement of art and writing should be,, a new world of revealed life, calm and lived , but the tales, are my problem,,the constand all around me talkes, and the prefjudice creation conducts,, for when I come to describe another,, I am only the smallest time I can see of them,, I was never one to lie. Or invent, but act and I would reveal so many stories of self. like it was life to be true to a commonness. So character, in stereo-type , created through culture and oppression, or enlightenments, for each comes with each, I would look for the meaningless and the just me, wandering over the adventure of being,, this me,, that fromwhat tales bleed into bone from culture and the uncontrolable childhood years, inadvently meaning to escape, creates to a non physical, to know natures wholeness Death is creation..
Oh rambling,, yet.. Where should I go ,, the truth is spining inside plans , and plans inside plans,, mine ,,
but one more Penny make.
And then the dawn
So a couple of minutes to inspire the goals of living. I have been writing all my life. With confusions and depressions, with loves lost and gained, with sunsets and moon shadows. but in all that i have been tryin to find reality of self and conscious world descisions. The path to self enlightenment while loving yet the living of truty. for i can not step aside for myself totally. It is to lonely the warrior monkishness required. And of me i wanted only happyness. and pepace. the world has always been a concern of mine but to the point of how it effected me , and how my survival could help others. I have seen many in my boat. I have seen life effecting a cancer on people all because they could come to grips with life. So Long ago i decided to come to grips with life, but no as would be normal. I couldn’t see my way to college and authority through man made studies, for which study the common more than promote abstracts or even natural paths. And the answers i need didn’t seem to be able to find in books. For therre wasn’t any on the study of me.
i choise to see life and through my soul search out what wasn’t preposed as complete answers. I found only answers with lead to spirals But the starting point was / is god is energy.
I am not religious, persay, I just felt therer were more facts of the God sistuation then were being discussed and these facts have been only through feeling that i have found answers. I have felt them and thought how these steps produced other thoughts spiritually and intellectually. following the same facts.. I come here to tell them,, for at my age .. i hae decided i must tell them, if i can, to do what i set out to do .. compose my survial thoughts for all victums of the mondern system..
it is a large task.. I know.. to wrap up your thoughts, and one i have spent my whole life trying to do. If you could take a second and tell all of the thoughts and feelings of the world around you. you would undestand my problem, for the deeper you look the larger the rabbit hole , as they say.
So what are the simple things.. this i wonder because i talked with my friend who is only fourteen, and to him the world is so large and for him i am inspired to fullfill my goals of this art.. to tell the second.
You see the world through media is so large the pains we are to hear so outstanding that we are afraid to think to much, each of the problesm of global concern effect us, but in our adult hood we tend to forget them. It is not that way with my friend, each movement of mankinds ailments are new to him , as these same problems were to me when i first started to think. The global sistuation lends us to depression. Nuclear winter was my first concern whan i was a child, I grew up around Three Mile Island, and at that time descided that the whole world was further supressed by the realization of a misstep of government would lead to world war. It was the cold War, and i felt and still do feel the global depression caused by thinking about such an event as Nuclear War. but now , we are even further down the path with AIDs, Global warming, Etc. such that our information age is turning into the age of mental depression for some and a nightmare for intellectuals. And that is from my age , My friend has yet to grow , and these thoughts are for him to worry over . One must have a hold on what is real in all this.. Material ism is only as good as the purpose would understand .. without purpose materialism is nilism and cold to a childs understanding.. even though alot of people live that way,, for themn there is no god. really even if they go to church every day.. they are not spiritual. So the purpose to life is to change into a concious being .. and in that we might be able to come up with a system for which answers the questions of governance , of self and global interests. only in consciousness can we find a reason to live and develope a idealogy to survive the animal reactions of humanity.
This is only page two of this .. and i must sleep but tomorrow is another day.. and further i will write so that I can tell these thoughts in a more complete way , for which i have been writing in journals my whole life. these pages are the struggle to live with the intellectual depression though conscious spiritual realizations.
But i plan from here on to write every night .. if only to get out what is in me to say,, just becuase someone must.. So here we are. the night with a love in my heart but yet one that has been tempted to death. h8rt to the core with lies and deceit. one again for which i was only an image, a bad played hand with no real love, a holding stone of the infinite kind for which only dreams fullfilled. and yes that is me ,, a cause lost to the night with telling. but i will be yet a tomorrow. I will see the sun come up and know where i did not see is where i ust look, Lonely ness grasps the hand of the wander like a fist, tearing away sanity. such that we fail to look, I almost think it is funny that if she loves me a little she will lie when she comes home. but it is silly that. to lie is not love Where the addicted lye there is not telling. for the addict runs to the food..
What can i say I have tried.. I should have…. hind sight and the living.. you know you can make it with any one if there is love. but only the children love.. here in this house of being this home of flesh and bone. one must know the reasons as feelings. I thought maybe this would be my love,, this one would accept me for the love i have,, yes it is out of the normal. it is a survival outside of civility,, for i am not economically profitable, i have no real skill , that i have been able to idenify,, I write some songs. I laugh well, but trying to get paid for either is a longer road than i have been able to follow, mostly becuase of my insecurity with it,, and then there is the intellict for whcih imagines and experinces the people involved,, I could take the drugs,, or the women, even here is the focus of that ,, the i love you becuase,, you are different and then it is i hate you because you are different, your talents make you self centered, your loneliness the same. your caring eyes are the truth for to care has been the lacking of life,, the montra of the deformed, and the gift a man can give without money and without class. we can care.
That has been all my years have to offer,, the caring the telling to a world outside of me with these words, the caring voice in a crowd of greedy materialists. and it is a spiritual cry in the last seconds of death for whcih we finally look for that voice, but it is all else in life, but.
So here i am again. sitting with the pain in my heart ,, i have been left many ways,, but this one is different,, this one is not the telling off, or the lie from the other side of a phone,, no this one is more secure than that,, this is the out right fading away,, because i wouldn’t answer the dream.. wouldn’t live for moments,, without self caring,, wouldn’t play right with a lazy bitch who has earned her life from the fucking of men,, and i one more penny make.. you can see it.. the pretending.. she never loved the father,, and got the children,, she doesn’t love the children,, and leaves them hanging all the time.. she has only her self to care about and all else is achieved through sex.. i guess she wins in the long road,, a house ,, or atleast money ,, she wins after me her old boy friend,, who is coming into a large sum soon. her angles are all played her gamble is that i will leeave with out any adue,, or that i will stay until she can kick me out with the right amount of criminal intent on my part.. she is waiting for me to go crazy and throw around my fists.. oh god i want to .. i want to scream for the part i have played in this.. i was trying to find love again.. mostly because i couldn’t find myslef.. and now i am left again with a confussed impossible being so lost from goal ,, that i can not find goal..
but yet live with the talent to be goal ,, and yet the pain of the living is really getting to me,, the pain of sensitivity and the hurt of true thought.. it is killing me,, such that i want to be violent and i know i am not alone,, i know the the world pushes with its hard bent rules of aristocratcy..